i feel like nothing

[cleo1988]

hello there everyone,

i just need some warmth and some advice. I have used this before and found it incredibly helpful during a difficult time - relating to this relationship

long story short, i feel trapped within a relationship (1 year long) . I have ended this relationship many times, and he never leaves me be - i have told him but he keeps saying he wants to marry me, be there for me, be together etc… But he is controlling, isolating, 13 years older than I. Why don't I want to be with him? He is quite rough, his friends are all 10 years older than him and hence 25 years + older than me. Anyway, I don't need to go through all the reasons

But the main reason is. the life i would have with him is not the life I want.

I wish i could be more assertive. But inherently, I want to love someone, and show them affection and give everything to them. I am lonely, I am very vulnerable and lonely in my position, i live in a state where i literally know 4 people. Work is isolating

I have really struggled to settle in here, and have since day 1. I have been here for 1.5 years.

I saw him last night and this morning, it is never enough for him. He wants to be around me and stay with me 24/7. He cries because of god knows what… and its left to me to make him feel better. Another issue - i feel like there is always a problem with him. I am a very positive, optimistic and happy person and he isn't - which i find difficult

I need help. x

[cleo1988]

hey star

that reply was to you, apologies for not being clearer.

what you've said what draws me to people i like is useful. i need affection, supportive words and encouragement, fun, activity - some of these things he gives me. but not support or encouragement. I know i provide these things for him, but i need more than that. especially to commit to someone for life, which is what he wants from me. i know in 5 years i would be terribly unhappy, more unhappy than i am now.

after i see him i feel sorry for him, i feel confused and i feel weak - so much so after letting him back in. he doesn't deserve me. i know that

personal boundaries i think is something i need to employ more - i need to keep saying to myself why he's not right for me, and how i will feel after ill see him.

i'll forgive myself if things don't go perfectly, and love myself more. you're right i am human and can get through this moment by moment

i have found this so very hard. i feel like a small part of myself, he has taken my energy and zaps me. my strength has been chipped and chipped and chipped away by his words and actions, particularly his pushiness and making me feel guilty.

thank you so very much

x

[star76]

hey cleo

how was your day. I hope you're being kind to yourself. I just wanted you to know I read your reply thank you. The behaviour (the man's) your dealing with would be difficult for anyone ,you are not weak. I don't know if you will find it helpful but I'll suggest (anything I say is always a suggestion based what I learnt helped me) it anyway

Form what I understand he isn't physically abusive but mentally. Have you heard of the 'cycle of power and control wheel' it shows (typically) how the abusive partner tries to reel someone back in. I found it helpful to see that a lot of his behaviour was written on this wheel and he wasn't unique. This gave me a bit of distance from the his behaviour and I could see the pattern. Just a thought....

Star 76

[CMF]

Hi Cleo,

How are things? You mentioned that he says' i love you so much" "I'm thinking about you and us" "i miss you" "" i have never felt like this about anyone" etc etc'. Did he express these feelings before you broke things off?

It's great that you are trying to join some groups and that you are comfortable with your own company but yeah, we all want some adult interaction at times too. You mentioned a friend who socially isolates herself with her husband. Can't they make some effort to keep in touch with you if you have no one else? Are you working, how about work colleagues?

I understand you family is not close by, is there a reason why you moved away? Would you consider moving back? He really needs to get the message that you no longer want a relationship with him. Maybe you need to take further steps, block him from your phone, change your number etc. You really need to get that message across and don't let him make you feel bad. He is a grown man, not a dependant child.

Do you have a local cafe you can go out, grab a coffee or brekkie on the weekend and just be around others? I do this on a regular basis and have met so many people that i am always chatting to someone, yet i like my own company too.

Hope you can find some peace.

cmf

[cleo1988]

Hey star,

I had a look at the cycle of power, and warning signs of being with an abuser… Thank you for telling me about this. It opened my eyes. Honestly. He encompassed many of these:

Being overly needy, and feeling sorry for himself - i felt empathy for him for the life he has had, of course, but those were his life choices that he made… and not my problem (harsh but true)

He was very clear early he wanted to live together and get married, I'm taking 3 weeks after meeting…. !

Making decisions for me without asking - booking things, when i had prior commitments, and I never actually said yes. Then making me feel guilt

Believed he was above/better than others - above others in his industry - very negative about them and others

Ignoring my boundaries - for example, I say no to seeing him, he pushes and pushes and makes me feel guilty … so i would cave. He'd turn up at work, and my house.

Pressuring me to be intimate with him.

Road rage - not all the time.

Possessive. One time my phone went out of battery, he messaged me 10 times, and sent an email! Disliked when i was out with others - which mind you, barely ever happened as i was always with him

I had ignored my gut instincts time and time and time again, and believed i loved him. I still do believe i love him a little …? But i don't want to be with him, my life would be horrendous

The abuse was never physical. But I believed once, he was in such a state he was about to hurt me. It was awful. I should never be with a man like that.

I think that he wanted to keep me, and just have me as his possession. So i am not sure that he really ever loved me at all

I feel lonely at the moment, but I am trying to get out and do things.

x

[star76]

hey Cleo

The whole situation sounds awful and very distressing. I remember the feeling well. I was kinda shocked when I saw the wheel of power and control. My ex wasn't physically abusive but was good at emotional abuse. When I saw that there was a pattern that abusive people follow that was helpful in separating myself from his games. I had no idea there was a cycle till I saw it. Glad you found it helpful

good on you for getting out and doing things.

I totally get the loneliness, I suffer with this too. It's almost like they know that getting us isolated will be to their advantage. They find a weak spot and keep poking it....the whole thing is exhausting

I found i needed to find things to energise myself with after another episode dealing with his behaviour. I had to learn to be myself again as he had also changed me. I experienced a lot of the same things you posted about.

I understand there probably is a part that of you that has strong feels towards him. You had a relationship with this person. I did toward my ex too. I became less fearful of my thoughts and feelings too. during this difficult time someone somewhere suggested it was ok to still have a small part that was concerned for him (loved ) But i wasn't responsible for his feelings or actions. I didn't have to act on those feelings of concern or guilt. Like cmf posted 'his a grow man not a dependant child'

I likened it to a kind of grief process . Like an onion. Slowly slowly peeling off the layers toward becoming me again. I was still there underneath slowly allowed myself to let go.

Have faith in yourself. you sound like strong woman to me ,courageous . You moved from the other side of the country. You do know your own mind. You're reaching out. This I believe will strengthen you.

Thanks for sharing so openly here on the forum. As always this was my journey and some things will/will not be helpful.

Take care and keep gentle on yourself till next time

Star76

[cleo1988]

cmf

thankyou for your response.

he did express these feelings before, but not in the same way…. now it is more desperation i think

i am so lonely i think its destroying me, i do not think clearly. he has me in a spot. i tell him i don't want to see him, or be with him, or romantically be with him…but the loneliness draws me back - i literally have no one else and he knows this and uses it to his advantage

then at times, i feel its my fault. maybe i made him be controlling and such. maybe i'm making it up in my mind….?

the friend i spoke of and you've mentioned is another issue, I'm trying to distance myself from her too. yeah they should make an effort, but they don't. i would always make an effort to be include others, particularly who aren't from the place where they live, but not everyone is the same and i should remember this

I've got to be strong myself. and i will get though this difficult ti,e

I do work, but my work is a strange industry. I literally work with a lovely group of people and then won't see any of them for 3 months as we are all on different rosters. I will try and reach out to some people i work with…

hard though, at work i feel i have to put on this facade and smile and be nice to everyone, yesterday i went to the bathroom at work and just cried. this morning - the same

he called me on my way home yesterday and i caved. i feel wretched. he has me in a spot and knows exactly how to get me to see him

i moved away for this job … thought worst would happen is that it didn't work out

he is acting like a dependant child and pushing and pushing at me.

i can't take it. i feel I'm at a sort of breaking point

thank you cmf, I'm sure i will find peace too, but its not always easy

[cleo1988]

star,

thank you for your words, as you say my life and situation of late has been very distressing. my mum is pushing me to come home, and doesn't know about his incessant contact - it would distress her

I cry sometimes, I am so lonely. I cannot tell you how much.

This man definately knows how to manipulate me, and its awful. I feel disappointed in myself when i cave and give in to him. You're right, he knows i am isolated and i believe he likes it this way - because then he can have me all to himself… i feel he wants to keep me.

As you say, they find a weak spot and keep pushing it…. i am so drained and exhausted. i feel i am at breaking point. honestly. i should block him totally

its like he is poison, an emotional vampire -

He drains me, when i see him… i don't want him there and then when he leaves i feel terrible about myself. disappointment, regret, dirty almost and sad.

I know my strength will pull my through - but nothing worth having is ever easy

You have been more helpful than you know xx

[Quercus]

Hi Cleo,

How are you holding up? CMF (and your Mum) have a really good point about moving away from him (and more importantly closer to people who can support you). Would you consider a move?

I have been in your position a very long time ago. Reading your posts makes me anxious and angry all over again. You are not safe with this man. Your safety needs to come first. You need to come first regardless of the emotional blackmail he throws at you.

The hardest part is getting out. I remember pulling together the courage to admit to myself I was going to end up hurting myself to escape from him if I didn't leave.

He said he would hurt himself. I left anyway. He was on my parents doorstep abusing my Mum before I had even gotten home. My sister drove us around until my Dad had threatened him and he'd finally left. He broke into my home. Left flowers everywhere. Went through all of my things. Spoke to everyone about how unstable and horrible I was. The violent possessive side came out for everyone else to see. It was truly the best thing I have ever done for myself. I wish I'd done it earlier.

You are lonely. He is using and encouraging that. Because it's easier for him to control you if you are isolated. The best thing you can do is cut all contact with him and surround yourself with people you trust. If he gets violent go to the police.

And please... Please... speak to a psychiatrist. I buried this fear and hurt for years and tried to moved on and start again without talking about it. But it doesn't go away. I'm only in the process now of opening the can of worms to deal with. It feels as raw as if it was yesterday.

There is hope. You are a strong person and you deserve better than this!

Please keep talking and be safe Cleo... You are not alone.