i feel like i can't talk to my friends and i'm close to invisible.

[aceupyoursleeve]

i was basically masking whole of today and i don't normally mask but i was doing so i didn't just burst out in tears. and with the people i thought i let my guard down, i didn't. i didn't get to. i've got two friends in this situation. let's call one purple - uses she/they pronouns and the other yellow. he/him.

at lunch i was gonna find the friends with yellow but they went to the shops without telling me untill lunch was basically over. I was also going to find purple but she wasn't in the room she said she was going to be. I found her when art class started and I asked "where were you?" and they said "oh i'm sorry! i forgot!" but... idk they didn't tell me. it's small. but it made me sad. and i was alone for that lunchtime.

when i was in art class and i could barely do anything. i was too focused on making sure i didn't burst out in tears. my lovely art teacher saw this and told me to go on a mental health walk. she suggested that I bring my friend purple. I was slightly hesitant but i was masking so i said yes and like.. idk maybe thought that'd be okay and maybe being alone wasn't a good idea for me. so i just, whatever. trusted it. i said yes. it was a walk for MY mental health. MY MENTAL HEALTH. and she just kept  talking about her and her problem. I could barely get a word in and we just went back inside. 

before that my (maybe best) friend yellow saw that I wasn't feeling good. yellow said that we could talk after class. I said yes because it's what i really needed and we were best friends to the point where we could tell each other everything. we talk. i talk for a little bit. he just talks more. this conversation is no longer about me. and now this conversation is solely focused on him. of course i care that my best friend might be schizophrenic. but i need to TALK. he said "thank you for listening" one we finished. i said of course. cause i'm tryna be a good friend. it felt more like a therapy session for him. myself obligated to listen. and i am once again the therapist friend. i have a stong fucking mind. but it is only so strong. you guys were supposed to be my friends. to listen. stop talking over me.

idk. you can call me selfish. it's not the first time. i'm just so. fucking. upset. i'd like disappear. seeming my friends don't care. i'd like to start over. in a new town. and then hopefully i wouldn't screw it up this time.

[therising]

Hi aceupyoursleeve 

I can't help but wonder whether you're a bit of a 'lighthouse' person for others. What I mean by that is someone who others naturally head towards when they're experiencing dark and challenging times. Maybe you're someone who naturally offers the kind of brilliance and guidance others are looking for.

There are both ups and downs to being a lighthouse person. The up side can include being able to feel the positive difference you make to others, being able to feel the progress you help them make, being able to sense how much lighter you lead them to feel and so on. The down side can at times involve listening to a lot of dark stuff, getting a sense of how down or depressed they feel (feeling their feelings), working hard to make a difference to others (which can feel exhausting at times) and this list goes on too. Sometimes people don't always stop to consider how drained a lighthouse person can feel at times, how much darkness they can be sensing around them and how much they need others to raise them or recharge them so that they can remain brilliant or bright and full of energy. If you naturally are this type of person, it's so important to develop skills, abilities and strategies for managing such a nature. Just a handful of things on that list can include

• Developing the ability to feel or sense when things are becoming too draining for you, too dark for you, too overwhelming etc
• Being able to gain a sense of when you need raising (some light brought to you and into your life)
• Developing a sense of how you are able to feel in different ways and to different degrees
• Developing skills and strategies for recharging at times
• Finding guiding lights for yourself at times, offering you some direction
• Developing the ability to say to others something along the lines of 'I'm so sorry I can't help at the moment, I'm feeling quite down/drained myself but let's find someone who can help you while I take some much needed time out for myself'

Can involve quite a long list when it comes to mastering being a lighthouse person.

I think one of the toughest things for a lighthouse person can involve initially not knowing that this is who they are. They can question why they attract people looking for guidance/direction in dark times, why they can feel so drained at times and why things around them can appear dark. It can be hard for them to see their own brilliance, within, until it's pointed out. A lighthouse person is typically someone who sheds light for others. So, if you had to pick a lighthouse person for you, can you think of who this person might be? May even be your art teacher, who sounds like a brilliant and deeply feeling person.

[aceupyoursleeve]

thank you for replying.

i've never heard it been referred to as "a lighthouse person" i just thought it was "therapist friend" but i guess lighthouse person sounds better.

and yea i guess i am one sadly. i try to give both sides the best i can and people do come to me in terms of advice and whatever. 

i know i need to practice my boundaries. it's just i was already masking that day so i just... continued it. idk i've texted yellow today saying that i need to talk to him. and so i will. if i loose another friend, boy, won't that be fun.

anyways thank you for the support, it was very nice how you layed it out and i'll be sure to keep that. thank you ❤️

[therising]

Can definitely be challenging when it comes to gaining a really good sense of where our tipping point's at. What tips the scales from tolerance into intolerance can depend on a variety of things. When I say 'intolerance', what I mean is in regard to what we can no longer tolerate the weight of. Tipping points can be impacted by pre existing low energy levels (feeling drained), too many challenges all coming at once, heightened sensitivity (feeling too much of everything), our own personal challenges to begin with and so many other factors. The scales we can feel at times can be pretty sensitive for one reason or another. I've found typically something leads up to a tipping point, it doesn't just come out of the blue.

Definitely pays to know what a certain challenge is about. Sounds like this one could involve managing your brilliance, your ability to illuminate or shed light for others while also managing your own energy at the same time.🙂