Hi be_yourself
You are an amazing person and an amazing parent who has managed to do something that always amazes me. You have found the ability and courage to leave what can feel like a soul destroying situation, which can be far from easy to do in a lot of cases, for a lot of different reasons.
I believe you've made an excellent choice when it comes to not speaking with him without a mediator (aka witness to his behaviour). The next channel of communication you offered is written, which he doesn't want to accept. So, in fairness, you've given him two choices, both which he has knocked back because he wants his own way for some reason. Can't help but wonder whether he doesn't want to go down the path of written communication based on the possibility he doesn't want anything in writing that can come back to bite him. Verbal communication without a witness means he can freely say whatever he wants. In my opinion, you're managing things carefully and perfectly, something you should be taking a lot of pride in.
How to deal with someone's 'stomach churning' or 'gut wrenching' behaviour is definitely a challenge. I've found throwing a 'because' into a statement can make a huge difference that can lead us to trust our feelings more. Instead of 'I'm sick of you', it becomes 'I'm sick because of you'. Then it becomes a feeling we can begin to trust. Every time you feel sick, you know something's worth questioning. Taking it up next level can sound like 'Which part of me or facet of me do I need to come to life in order to manage such sickening behaviour?'. I smile when I say 'The intolerant cow' in me is a ripper. While I can be the most compassionate, gentle and deeply loving gal, there are certain people who will trigger the intolerant cow in me to come to life. This aspect of me is a serious questioner at times and can be confrontational. Can sound like 'Why do you feel you have the right to treat me like cr**?!'. When this aspect of me comes to life, 'The people pleaser' in me must take a back seat, otherwise I find myself trying to please people who treat me poorly. Not a good practice. The cow in me can be a feisty, upstanding warrior type and a natural self esteem booster. Bringing it to life on command is definitely a tough challenge at times, especially when the people pleaser in us has been our 'go to' facet for so long. The intolerant cow will often announce its presence through uprising feelings of anger. Btw, if it comes to life along with our inner sage, this can sound like a ranting maniac accompanied by the words 'Give yourself the freedom to feel anger but do not burn bridges right now. Best to save that for later if the need arises'. 🙂
If he has always relied on leading you to self doubt as one of his ways of managing, there'll be a part of you that holds no doubt at all. Finding that part of you and practicing channeling it on command will be something that I imagine he'll come to find extremely challenging. Perhaps that part of you has come to life on occasion in the past. Do you recall feeling it?
