I don’t think my partners family like me

[kd1111]

1. I have been with my fiancé for 8 year, engaged for 1 year and we have a 2 year old together. 
   My partners family started off a bit stand off ish and I just put it down to them getting to know me taking a little extra time. Whenever there was family events I would always make a lot of effort to try and make conversation with people in his family but it never felt organic or meaningful. It felt like as much as I tried to make conversation it was never returned. 
   I started to notice after we had been together for around 4 years that when organising family events around everyone’s availability it was never taken into concideration when I was working (shift worker) and they would often still get together when I wasn’t available and my partner would go to these events alone. It started to bother me but I kept it to myself because I thought maybe I was being insecure. After being with my partner for 6 years, being engaged and pregnant I mensioned to my partner how much this hurt me and it felt like no one cared that I couldn’t make it or like I wasn’t part of the family. 
   My partner agreed that he noticed it too and we spoke about him not going to family events anymore unless we all went as a family. 
   In the last couple of years I have stopping making an effort at family events to have conversations with people. I have noticed that people will not make an effort to speak to me either. 
   my partner insists that his family like me and that it’s just the way they are but I find the whole thing very uncomfortable and can’t help but feel insecure and think it’s me. 

[therising]

Hi kd1111

I think some people can definitely be hard to work out. Can take years to finally make sense of their nature and when you do it's like 'Ahh, no wonder we never got along really well. It makes complete sense'. Until then, you can be convinced there's something wrong with you.

Can't help but wonder whether your partner is kind of like 'the black sheep of the family' which could explain why you get along with him and none of the rest of the family. Do the rest of them have a particular nature that doesn't match your nature? For example, is it in their nature to talk only about politics, current affairs and what they did on the weekend? If you have no great interest in politics and current affairs because they can be kind of depressing in some ways (so you steer clear of those topics) and you can't relate to what anyone did on the weekend because you don't have those common interests, there's basically little conversation to be had. Are they the kind of folk who keep their mind closed around a lot of the topics that suit them? Perhaps you're more open minded and prefer open minded conversations that are less about fixed opinion and more about a sense of wonder.

Are they also the type of people who find what works for them in the way of who's available for family gatherings? If they've always been in the habit of serving each other, maybe it's a habit that's simply never been broken and they feel no need to break it. Problem with this is it can close off a circle of people and opportunity.

It's good your partner can sense it too, that way you're not left feeling like it's all in your imagination. I suppose the question is 'How well do you really want to get to know them?'. While I get along well with my husband's family, we live in different states (we're in Melbourne and they're scattered throughout NSW and Qld). While I have a basic amount of stuff in common with my in-laws, there are a lot of differences between us. They're big drinkers and I'm not (those days are behind me). They're rather racist and I'm not. And while I thrive on a sense of wonder that fuels an open mind, they're got a lot of ways of thinking that are pretty fixed. As I say, I like them but we really don't have all that much in common. And I'm not judging them, simply noticing the differences between us.

Do you think if you could spot the differences in nature between you and them, it might help in making sense of a few things? One of those things could involve you being more sensitive than them. Sensitivity is an interesting thing...Can you sense the exclusion but they can't? Can you sense the need for conversation but they can't? Can you sense the discomfort in you not being invited to events but they can't? etc etc. If this is the case, you gotta wonder why they can't sense such things.