I don't know

[Mjj]

Hi,

I feel really strange writing this but here goes.
I've been with my partner for almost 5 years, we have a house together and are happy. But we don't necessarily display "happiness when we are together. He used to tell me that he works hard and is always too tired. He genuinely falls asleep in minutes at night. I understand that we all get tired but it always feels like there is no effort. It feels like I'm living with room mate instead of a partner.
When he gets home he asks me how my day was gives me a kiss etc but then that is all we really talk about. I try to make conversation and I don't get anything back. He always watches stupid videos on his phone and when I say things multiple times I have to repeat myself because his not listening. I simply feel like I am not worth his effort. He will sit out the front of the house and vape while I'm just sitting inside doing other things. It doesnt make me feel connected at all. I have bought this up with him in the past and it's usually "sorry I'm shit, sorry I'm not good enough" coming from him. He tries a little bit for a week then things go back to normal. We do love each other and like any couple we can get a bit snarky at times I just don't know if this is something to be concerned about or if I just accept it and that's just what it is. I just feel like he used to understand me and we shared the same hobbies now he doesn't really care and we barely share any of the same interests.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Mjj,

I feel for you. I can sense your feelings of hurt & perhaps even feelings of rejection...

You understandably want more from your partner. To really connect...

Sadly, it does sound as though he might be feeling very drained from work. I think work stresses can unfortunately seep into our personal lives...

I know you have tried talking to him in the past. But perhaps I would suggest asking to have a serious but respectful chat with him about this recurring issue when he has a day off.

I don’t know what the answer is, but maybe you could discuss alternative options to reconnect & how his behaviour makes you feel...

For example, if he’s very tired at night, maybe you could both get up earlier and chat/enjoy quality time together very early in the morning (before he’s worn out from a day at work).

Another example could be planning ahead with date nights a week in advance, so you’ll have scheduled couple’s time.

Those are just suggestions of course, which you may or may not find suitable, but I thought that I would share anyway...just in case...

I am thinking of you. I know this is hard for you...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[geoff]

Hello Mjj, thanks for posting your comment.

Please don't feel awkward about letting us know how you are feeling because it's concerning, but his remark back to you 'sorry I'm not good enough' seems to indicate that his confidence and self-esteem is low, not that I'm qualified to say.

Whatever the reason is, is up to his doctor to try and find out all the possibilities and for the support, you might decide to go with him.

We hope that you can get back to us, either today, tomorrow or in the future as we also pass this message onto everyone.

Take care.

Geoff.

[jollydolly]

Hi Mjj,

I'm sorry, that's rough, especially during COVID. My partner has done similar things over the last five years, including: saying that he is so tired from work and our small child that there is no emotional room left for me; sitting on the couch and not wanting to go anywhere EVER unless it's with other people and not me; doesn't ask me about my day or my work or anything; in short, I would be wary about accepting this behaviour from your partner, because it will continue to erode your happiness and confidence. If he has some depression or stress going on, he should sort it out unless he wants to lose you. Relationships take work, and it does sound like he can't be bothered. That's not a reflection on you, but if you stay and put up with it, I doubt anything will change.

Your needs are not wrong; they are important. If he doesn't want to have a proper relationship, that's fine - it doesn't make him a villain - but he needs to move on.