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Don't know how to deal with all these emotions

Community Member
I have been with my fiance for 4 years, engaged for half a year.
He has cheated on me a couple of months into the relationship with an escort and we've both decided to move beyond this and give it another go.
For the past year, our sex life have gone south. I'm mostly always the one initiating play time and giving all my efforts which sometimes he shows no interest.
He watches alot of porn and pleases himself. At work he will be very busy and don't have the time to respond to any of my messages.
I understand if I'm not interested in sex and push him away, it will oh be fair for him to watch porn but that is not the case as I am pretty much throwing myself onto him.
I feel very unattractive and unwanted right now. Fiance keeps reassuring me that he still loves me, but what I'm getting is the complete opposite.
I've given him the option to leave me so he can be with prettier girls and he's also declining to that.
I just currently do not know how to deal with all this emotion right now nor am I getting any closure as to why this is happening.
The more I think our wedding way is getting closer, the more it's stressing me out as to whether I should go ahead with it or not.
Due to Covid-19 and the lockdown here, I can't even go physically see my counselor at my next appointment. I honestly don't know what to do and feel so lost.
3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Einna,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It's always difficult to have the ones we love let us down. We tend to seek validation from our loved ones, and when your partner appears to prefer porn and self-pleasure over you, you feel unattractive and unwanted. Added to this is the fact that he has cheated on you before. While you have mutually agreed to move beyond this, you have brought it up here, which makes me wonder if his cheating still causes you unhappiness now.

From what you say, it sounds like you have spoken to him about this before and offered him a chance to leave, but he reassures you that he still loves you. I'd suggest talking to him again and sharing with him how his behaviour makes you feel. It may be that he is going through some things himself that makes him turn to porn instead of you. It would also help if you find out what he wants from sex. Perhaps he is looking for something different from what you usually do, and this is something both of you can only work out if you know how the other feels.

All the best,

Community Member

I'm so sorry for your situation Einna. You sound a very sensible person and I think its right that you are having second thoughts about your upcoming nuptials.

Here is the statement from you that worries me. "we've both decided to move beyond this and give it another go"

This is a much bigger issue for me than the porn or lack of interest in sex (although I don't want to diminish these issues}

Cheating on your partner is a huge violation, it destroys trust. I admire your ability to push through the betrayal but I'm urging you to rethink. Was he remorseful? Was there an authentic apology? Did he promise never to stray again? Does he allow you to discuss it without shutting you down? Does he mind you looking at his phone, social media, computer ? If the answer to any of to any of these questions is NO or NOT QUITE, I would end it.

He has to realise there are consequences to cheating. Things just can't go back to normal. I know I am being blunt Einna but I see red flags everywhere here.

Put a higher value on yourself and move on.

"I've given him the option to leave me so he can be with prettier girls and he's also declining to that."

I just wanted to say I felt very sad reading this sentence...
It's sad that you feel like you're not the best option, I feel sad about the self-esteem etc that makes us feel like that. I also feel unpretty sometimes, and I worry that this relationsihp is not helping your self-esteem