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I cant tell this to anyone

Community Member


This is my first post on here so a bit nervous of how it will go down.

Basically I am a closet gay guy, 21. I am currently staying with a family who I had never met prior to staying with them. I get along really well with one of their sons and developed some strong feelings for him.

I came home one night drunk and ended up having sexual relations with him. This surprised me because i had always thought i would never let the urgers get the better of me. We carried this on for a few weeks in secret which was some of the best few weeks of my life. One day he began to regret doing it because he felt guilty, and like myself didn't like the fact he was gay.

Now and again we would do things together but the feelings I got from him were more bad than good when it was us 2 alone together. I assume because he still fancies me but doesn't want to fancy me, but i didnt find this out until a few month's after because he doesn't like talking about it.

For me I find it easy not to be gay when im with the lads and he said the same. We both still have attraction to women. But as this went on I began to fall for him which scared me because I didn't want to fall in love with a guy, and I also didn't know if he felt the same.

The other night I slept with a woman, and now he wants nothing to do with me. He says he doesn't care anymore which really hurts because I still love him. I regretted doing it before it even happened. But i felt i had to to keep up the persona of being straight. I thought he would understand because he always saif he'd be jealous but wouldn't mind if I slept with a woman.

I still have to love another month with him and his family and I am now tearing myself up inside at the fact that he hates me for what I've done, and won't talk to me about it. I can't talk to anyone but him about it because its all secret.

So I guess what I would like to know is am I a cheater and a bad person for doing what I did? And what can I do to try and get him back and cope with everything? because I would honestly consider coming out to the world if I was with him because i love him that much.



8 Replies 8

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi ST,

Relationships can be really hard and you are in a bit of a messy situation. I'm not gay, (though have friends that are) others on here are and will no doubt get back with some good advice, I just didn't want you to feel alone at this hour.

It is so tricky that neither of you are being honest, if you're gay, your gay what does it matter? It certainly isn't something to be embarrassed about. Loud and proud I say, you can only be yourself after all everyone else is taken!

Falling in love is so lovely when it is reciprocated but dear one it doesn't sound like your house mate is ready in any sense for a loving relationship. One more month and then I guess you are moving home and far away. Long distance relationships are hard work and takes a lot of maturity.

I know my gay friends had relationships with women before felt they could be honest with themselves and others in their lives. Maybe this is a time for you to find yourself a little and think about the lifestyle you want. It's probably not really fair to sleep with a woman without any intention of a relationship with her. That said I can't see how it is cheating unless you had a committed relationship with your housemate, which it doesn't sound like you did. He sounds frightened, embarrassed and concerned about his families reaction. He doesn't sound like he is ready for a committed loving relationship.

Do be kind and proud of yourself, no regrets. You are still young and you will change a lot over the next few years. You will find that special person and relationship you're looking for. Feeling bad more often than good doesn't sound like the sort of relationship you deserve.

Good luck

Here's a hug because I think you probably need one.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi ST, does it matter whether you're gay, bi or straight, no it doesn't, but the fact that he has said he wouldn't mind if you slept with a woman, but now he's not talking to you, to me it seems as though he is only jealous, and realising that once this happened could mean that you may love this lady as well as him, I don't think that's what he wants, he wants it to be a one on one r/ship between him and yourself.
He may want to keep it quite from his family and that's OK but eventually he may have to tell them, because they will be asking questions, but why hide it, it's not anything to be ashamed of, but perhaps he maybe worried about the thought of you leaving as well. Geoff.

Firstly thanks for the reply, it has made me feel a lot better about myself. Even just being able to vent my thoughts and emotions helped me massively.

All I want is for him to talk and be honest with me about how he's feeling and I will act accordingly. He has always stopped conversation when I do try and talk about things with him which has made the whole situation more complicated. In my head im basically guessing what he's thinking and hoping that its what I want him to be thinking and feeling.

He has asked me to leave him alone from now on which really hurts. Do I just leave him and try and be normal with him? Do I keep trying to get him to talk so i can have peace of mind? Or is that too selfish of me?

I regret so much making that first drunken move on him now. We were such good friends before then and now it's like he hates me and it makes me feel sick thinking about it, but its all I ever think about.

Thanks again for replying it really helped

Community Member

Thanks for the reply.

I am torn at the moment as to how to act around him now. He frustrates me and it hurts a lot, but I still love him so i don't want to hurt him with words because it's not fair. But i also feel like if I'm actually going to have to start getting over him I will have to be blunt towards him and not pretend everything is ok because it's not. And pretending will only prolong things.

Have you got any advice on this? I can't avoid him every day because i live with him.

hi ST, can you remember back in any other time that the same situation has happened, but look at it as if you were the one that was upset and they really wanted to talk with you, what did they do that enabled the two of you to start talking again, in other words what were their actions that made you decide to talk with them. Geoff.

Hi ST,

I think that you need to look after yourself right now. I know love is blind and we put up with a lot to be with the person we love, but he has a lot to work through. Dealing with his issues is not something you can do they are his issues and he needs to face up to his reality.

You however are trying to work through this and it's hard. Sweetie you only have a month left with this family and he is not sayings he wants to be with you, indeed he sounds very confused. What do you need to get through this?

Some friendships are only for a short time and this may be one of them. Maybe in time you will be able to rebuild your friendship or maybe not, I don't know. What I do know is that in six months time you will be a different person and feel very different, you may be in a relationship, anything can and will happen. When we are in these times it feels like this is it, we feel like this it forever it's not true. Think back six months or a year and see the person you were then.

Back to my question what can you do for yourself right now? What makes you feel good, a walk in the park, a swim, watching a funny movie, reading a book, dancing?

Be good to yourself, you will feel better and every step you make to take care of yourself will help.

Hugs, xx

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi ST,

Sounds like life has gotten a little complicated. I suspect that the hardest thing is when you feel like you can't just be yourself. For me I feel like it can be a little vulnerable at times in relationships because they might just decide they don't like me. I've lived in a country town being gay for a long time, and when I went with it life got much better for me.

So what if all those things you talk about there describe are you, I wouldn't see a problem with being one of the boys, interested in women and men, and falling in love when it happens. All that you describe makes you sound interesting. I wonder if the problem is more worrying about the thoughts of other people rather than just being whatever it is that is you now. So what is the worst that could happen? You might have some upset people. But what if they weren't?

I'm interested in what your perfect world would be.

Community Member


thank you for your courageous & honest post! I have no doubt that is going to help many others in similar situations to have the courage to reach out for help & support.

I know things seem messy & complicated but from what I read I see it from a different perspective.

Maybe you needed to sleep with the girl to find out what you really want & who you really are! Sleeping with her made you realise your true feelings for the guy your staying with! And maybe it is showing you how to accept who you are & be ok with being gay!

i think sleeping with the girl also made the guy you live with realise his feelings for you & that he is gay also. I think that scared him & I don't think his ready to accept his gay yet or perhaps his scared of people's/ family reactions.

Unfortunately until you are ready to come out, neither of you will be able to enjoy a healthy, happy relationship- be it with each other or someone else.

can I please encourage you to just be you, accept, embrace, enjoy, celebrate YOU!

I know it can be scary but it's also so Liberating when you finally get to the place where you just don't give a rip what anyone thinks anymore. You are who you are! You're sexuality is only one part of you & anyone who judges you for that, is not worth having in your life! You are so much more than that. You are awesome, amazing and wonderful! NEVER apologise for WHO YOU ARE!!

if others don't like it, it's their problem & issue, not yours! It's a reflection on them not you!

As for the guy you live with- I say give him his space, he doesn't sound ready! But I think you are ready to come out! Who knows maybe you coming out & seeing you free to be yourself, will give him courage to do the same!

If you & him are meant to be it will happen in the right time, when you're both ready. But my advice would be as other have said to you- it's time to focus on you & do what's best for your own health & wellbeing! The Rest will fall into place - be it with him or maybe someone else! The right person will come when you are free & happy to be the real you!

All the best coz you're worth only the best 🙂

kindest regards