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husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Bailey13
Community Member
I have recently found out my husband has been/is cheating on me (saw it with my own eyes). Every time I try talk to him about it, it triggers his anxiety and he shuts down and walks out.  He blames his emotional issues and me for not loving him enough, although I love him more than anything in the whole world and I believe I've done nothing but tell and show him that.  He says he wants to end the relationship with the other woman but can't cope with the conflict because she also has emotional issues and she can get abusive and hurts herself (which I've also seen for myself). He continues to be very secretive with his phone and messages and where he is/going. I have so many questions but he won't talk to me, even if he does I don't know how to believe or trust him anymore. Everyone we know would say we were the perfect couple, I never ever thought I'd be dealing with this and I have no idea what to do. Has anyone been through this and saved their relationship? How do I move on from this?
13 Replies 13

Scotchfinger
Community Member

Bailey

Sorry to hear that. I'm not sure what the best advice is, only stay true to your own needs first. You deserve fidelity and think very hard on whether he be forgiven for this. If I were you, I'd be tempted to get a separation, especially if he is not remorseful.

Guest_1055
Community Member

 Dear Bailey

I am so sorry this has happened. I am only guessing that you would feel betrayed, because you trusted him. And it would be a challenge to build up trust again. And you probably feel hurt and alone. And maybe even shut out. I am sorry Bailey. I can also see that you do indeed love him.

I have never been through anything like this, and I cannot tell you how to even move on. But I do care. So here is a hug for tonight.

With love Shelley xx

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Bailey, how sorry I feel for you, but you're not sure of what else has been going on behind your back, it's only because you caught him this time, so my advice is that it may only get worse with his deceiving, so it's time to leave him, sorry to be so vain, but once someone gets involved in another relationship outside of your marriage, then eyes still wander. Geoff. x

KTOCD
Community Member

Hi Bailey13,

very sorry to hear this. Hope you are hanging in there. I don't have any experience with this so can't offer a lot of advice. Maybe having some sort of meeting / mediation with a psychologist with all involved (you, your husband and the other lady) may help. It might give your husband the opportunity to speak the truth and know that the other lady will have some support. 

U don't deserve this though. I think if your husband isn't willing to work things out then you may have only one option left. Really really hard though as I can see you love him dearly. 

Thinking of you and hoping he is genuinely keen to fix things.

KT

pipsy
Community Member

Dear Bailey.  It's always very difficult to know what to say in these circumstances.  Some people seem to believe that extra-marital affairs strengthen a marriage.  personally, I think that's rubbish, but that's the excuse that's often made.  Geoff and Scotchfinger both advice separation, I'm inclined to go along with that.  He's cheating on you now, how often has this happened, you don't know.  he could've been doing it for some time.  There's a pretty good chance he'll keep doing it.  He has no conscience.  The funny part (if you can call it that), is if you were to start seeing someone else, one of two things would happen.  Either 1): He encourages you, with the excuse 'it'll help us. Or 2): Outrage, 'how could you do this to me?  People like that can, as the saying goes, 'dish it out, but can't take it'.  He wants his cake and eat it too.  Whether you stay or leave is your call, just remember, if you stay, his behaviour will too.  If you leave or ask him to go, he will act remorseful, at first, but either way, his behaviour won't change.

Hope this helps.  I know you love him, but I don't think he's capable of true love or commitment.  Fidelity is not part of him.  That doesn't enter the equation.

 

seadancer
Community Member

Dear Bailey, So sorry to hear about your situation, you deserve better. I've been in a marriage for 39 years with a man I now believe is a narcissist. I only found out that he has been cheating on me 2 years ago which he denies but like you I have seen them together many times, at first I had hoped that we could repair the damage but the lies & secrets just kept on going on. He has filed for divorce 3 weeks ago & our house is going up for sale very shortly. Tuesday was my birthday & our (so called) anniversary. I didn't get so much as a"happy birthday". The last 2 years have been hell for me going through depression & anxiety while he just ignores my feelings. People like that don't care about you or me they only care about themselves.  

I'm very hurt & have a lot of healing to do & I'm also angry with myself that he controlled me for 40 years, gradually isolating me from my friends &  destroying myself esteem, I felt ashamed that I had failed in our marriage some how but now I feel embarrassed  that I didn't leave  along time ago. He chose to shut me out along time ago. I now reflect back & wonder what else he got up to, not that it really matters I guess. I'm 63 & find myself having to kick start my life with very little skills & assests.

PLEASE: Don't end up like me!

glimmer_of_light
Community Member

Dear Bailey 13. I have indeed been through this situation. I really do feel for you.  I found out my x-husband was cheating on me with my so called best friend. I was actually at the end of my uni degree with 2 weeks to go before l sat my last exam. Great timing-not. He pushed the blame back onto me, cause he wasn't happy with the intimacy side of things. When l found him out he lied and lied and lied. I gave him a second chance we went to councillors. But deep down my trust was burnt and so was my soul. 5 years on had a gut feeling for 6 months- only to once again catch him out- it was only a matter of time-guess what with the same person. He actually had 2 different women on the go at the same time. This only happened 5 months ago, so things are still very raw. Once again when confronted he lied and lied and lied. This time his reason is because he had no one to talk to- lame hey! My opinion only- a leopard never changes his spots. Only u can make the decision, no one else. I hope u can find peace and comfort.

Bailey13
Community Member

Hi Everyone,

So, my husband and I are still together but I am struggling, so is he to be fair. He's been home more and not seeing this other woman (other than when she stalks him as they work in the same building), but they still have some contact via text, which he is very aware is NOT ok with me and can't give a good reason why he can't completely separate himself from her. He says it's a given they can't continue it but for some reason he is trying to distance himself from her gradually, rather than just stopping it altogether straight up.

His depressive thoughts around how guilty and worthless he feels are making him very needy, like he wants me to constantly reassure him that I love him etc. And he focuses a lot of his time and energy on his work and being on his own, so he doesn't give our relationship the emotional attention I think it needs right now. Considering what he has done I find this really selfish and insensitive. If he was truly remorseful I think he would be making more of an effort to communicate with me and show me he still loves me with kind gestures and affection, even if I'm not ready for it I think he should still try.

I feel like I've done the hard yards to prove I still love him by still being with him and trying to work through this after everything that's happened. If I didn't love him I wouldn't have stayed with him through all the nights and weekends he left me home with the kids while he hooked up with someone else and I spent the night shaking and in tears. But it's like he thinks I should instantly understand/forgive him because of his mental health issues or something. And the very rare convos we have generally end in him twisting my words and freaking out that I'm going to leave, but it always seems to me that puts out the fire.

If this situation has taught me anything, it's that how important it is to put yourself first and not allow anyone to treat you like crap just because you love them. I always believed love would be enough, but I was very wrong, it's not!

I guess I'm after other's experience and suggestions on how I find the strength to tell him that my needs have to be met too or I can't see us surviving, when I don't believe he can see far enough past his own pain to even understand the gravity of the pain he has caused me, or what I need from him to help me heal from this? Or am I being selfish to ask him for a bit more effort and attention? Should I wait until he's in a better head space?

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Bailey13. Lynda here. Your hubby is the one who's being selfish here. You have forgiven him time and time again but he still continues to see her, with the excuse he has to 'break it up' gradually. If the boot was on the other foot, he would be practically demanding you cease your affair, now. You really need to stand firm on this and tell him enough. Could he not ask to be transferred to somewhere else or better still find another job. It really sounds as though he's not too keen on ending, he wants to have his cake etc. If he is suffering depression, can he not try to see his Dr and ask to be referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Sorry to be a bit blunt here, but you've been the 'doormat' long enough. It's her or you, no more excuses, dilly dallying. He is using his guilt against you when he twists the arguments. Don't take his guilt or lies. Put yourself first and demand that he gets help and stops seeing her.