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husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Bailey13
Community Member
I have recently found out my husband has been/is cheating on me (saw it with my own eyes). Every time I try talk to him about it, it triggers his anxiety and he shuts down and walks out.  He blames his emotional issues and me for not loving him enough, although I love him more than anything in the whole world and I believe I've done nothing but tell and show him that.  He says he wants to end the relationship with the other woman but can't cope with the conflict because she also has emotional issues and she can get abusive and hurts herself (which I've also seen for myself). He continues to be very secretive with his phone and messages and where he is/going. I have so many questions but he won't talk to me, even if he does I don't know how to believe or trust him anymore. Everyone we know would say we were the perfect couple, I never ever thought I'd be dealing with this and I have no idea what to do. Has anyone been through this and saved their relationship? How do I move on from this?
13 Replies 13

Lost_Girl
Community Member

Hi Bailey13,

I agree with Pipsy and I agree with you. I think you need to trust your instincts in this. To me it sounds like you know what to do but the only thing holding you back is fear for his mental health.

I agree with Pipsy, help for his depression should come from his GP and psych etc. Having this other woman make him feel good is not acceptable if he is married to, and has made a commitment, to you.

When you say he puts his energy into work and being alone, is that at home or at the office. If it's at the office I would be questioning if he is alone.

Having depression should not be an excuse to emotionally blackmail you which is what he does when he freaks out about you leaving because of the poor choices he is making.

In my opinion he should be freaking out. If I were in your shoes I would lay it on the table that you will accompany him to the GP to work through his mental health issues and support him in working through it. However he must immediately cease all contact with the woman, prove it to you by allowing you full access to ph and emails. He should immediately look for a new job. I would also suggest marriage counselling. Failure to do so within a timeframe of your choosing will require him to move out.

He has been making lots of choices without you. It sounds like time enough to make your own choices on what is best for you and your children. You are right...put yourself (and your kids) first and don't let him treat you like crap. You and your kids deserve better.

If he uses the kids against you by saying you're hurting them by breaking up the marriage, be confident that having a miserable Mum and a poor role model for a Dad is worse than a happy Mum and a Dad that has to give 100% on visitation because you're not there to bail him out of his responsibilities.

You sound like a beautifully caring person who truly loves her husband. He is not the victim here.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Lazykh
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Yes, I agree with Lynda. Relationships are complex things with lots of push and pull factors happening all the time, however...

His behaviour is disgusting and selfish! There's nothing more loathsome and soul destroying than a partner's infidelity. I recommend looking seriously at the reasons why you stay with him and the reasons for breaking up. See if the 'cons' of the relationship outweigh the 'pros'. If there are sufficient 'pros', you could give it a go just being *very* assertive, as Lynda said, about what you will and won't tolerate. (By the way, get him to go to a GP and get a free mental health care plan for 10 sessions with a psychologist for his depression, don't let him use it as an excuse for bad behaviour) See if you think you can survive without this relationship (I'm pretty sure you could). This will put you on a lot more solid ground to boldly say what is on your mind. I.e. what have you got to lose/what have you got to gain?

If the cons outweigh the pros, make a new list of reasons why you aren't moving on: Here's a freebie exercise I use in conselling: identify which of these headings apply to your reasons for 'stuckness', then attribute a percentage to each of those that apply as to how much weight the item carries for you. Once you've done this, you can start to look at each factor individually and also the situation as a whole. Let us know how you go and please feel free to come back and discuss, I'll check back on your topic. Here's the list:

Emotional attachment (love, investment in problem solving, altruistic desire to help)...;

Welfare of children, dependents, pets;

Fulfilling promises to stand by or take care of;

Secondary gain (Anything at all that means you benefit from the otherwise undesirable situation);

Curiosity/scientific interest;

Schema of marriage/relationship as a lifelong commitment or as an essential step to happiness;

Schema of inability to find better/disbelief that better exists;

Laziness as a block to change;

Self-harm;

Fear of other/change;

Sympathy;

Avoidance of relinquishing dream;

Hope;

Like a challenge;

Avoidance of winding up process;

Avoidance of decision making process;

Financial dependency;

Security;

Emotional dependence (can be tricky to spot, think carefully);

Anxiety;

Any other factors.

Bailey13
Community Member

Thanks for the advice, you all seem so strong and clear, I mostly feel exhausted and blurry so it helps when others are honest to me.

He has been seeing a psych and taking AD's since before all this started. I've been seeing a psych to help me work through my own emotions aswell.

I think if I was to write down the pros and cons at this point, cons would be the clear winner. But I'm not sure I can make any decisions based on the now, because the now is the lowest point of our relationship so far, by far! I guess my 'stuckness' is because I still love him and therefor I am hanging on to what was, and hope of what could be.

I'll give that exercise you suggested Lazykh a go, thank you. I just really struggle to be so clear about such things at the moment. So I write down each topic and rate it with a percentage to reflect how important that element is to a relationship? Or how much each one is an issue for me right now?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and for giving me your honest advice and support.

Lazykh
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Bailey13,

The percentage relates to how much that contributes to the fact that you are remaining stuck. So they have to add up to 100%. It's easiest to pick out the ones that apply and then highlight the ones that are more problematic (ie more contributing to stuckness) within that list. Then you can tailor the percentages more easily.

You can make another list though of core values that you need for a relationship (then you can contrast to what extent they are present in you current relationship), good idea!!!

Yes it's very hard to feel clear about anything in a situation like you find yourself in, but the fact that you are hear and also seeing a psychologist shows that you are wanting to make an effort to sort it all out and that's great.Also remember that while lots of people are depressed, seeing psychologists and on medication, most of them do not choose to be abusive in their relationships. (Cheating or failing to end an affair with those sort of justifications is emotional abuse.) Depression is not an excuse. He might be trying to compensate for his depression through having two women on the go, but that does not make depression a valid excuse. You don't have to put up with it, and if you stop putting up with it he will have to find some other way to cope that is more adaptive than cheating on you.

How does the cheating change your relationship with him? How does it change the way you feel? How will you feel in the future about him? Will the cheating stay at the back of your mind despite trying to forgive and forget? Are you willing to run the risk that he might do it again some day? Has the affair brought you closer together in any way or has it highlighted a growing rift?

Good luck with my exercise and feel free to come back to chat again any time!

Lazykh