Husband and family issues

[tandia]

Hi, first post for me.

My husband has suffered from sever depression for many years. He finally went on antidepressants a year ago, which helped to some degree.

However, he seems to be seeping back not talking, becoming angry and frustrating. He gets angry over something and holds onto it for a very long time and sulks. We have two children 5 and 2 yrs old which are very wild, amazing but exhausting in nature. They push our limits and sometimes my husband will be too rough when handling our son. It makes me upset and Ihave tried to coach him to speak with a less angry tone, which he has been working on and less strength used. But he is still doing on occasions when he is very stressed.

We have had a stressful time recently as I had a fall at work and have mild brain injury about 8 weeks ago, so i am getting better. However, it has been stressful for my husband to cope with this, as I am normally the happy glue that sticks us together. I have suffered mild depression and anxiety from the injury, but it will pass as I get better.

Over the years I have thought of leaving my husband, as it gets too much sometimes. 11 years on I am still here. But I feel like I can't go on like this forever.

Is it too much to expect him to change to be a better father? A more supportive and warm husband?

I have tried to get him to seek counselling, and he won't do it. I'm not sure what to do anymore. We only get one go at this life time and I don't want to waste my life being unhappy.

Thank you for reading.

[white knight]

Hi Tandia, welcome

Yes I would like to encourage you about your situation.

Firstly, he has refused counseling, then, attend yourself. If and when he asks you how counseling us going suggest to him he comes along and that without him there you are learning strategies to cope with home situations. If you say nothing more he might go along.

Im reserved with his roughness with your son. Providing your sons safety isnt at risk, children are resilient and adapt to various adults, they learn what one parent does and one doesnt. We cant base correct parenting on our own view of what parenting should be. Your husbands parenting cant be a copy or a clone of yours for example, he needs to have his own identity as a dad. But draw lines on any safety issues like face slapping or emotional abuse. Another good reason for counseling. So I'm suggesting drawing lines in the sand but not suppressing your husbands natural ways.

Dwelling on issues could be associated with some emotional issues he has. We cant diagnose but I suggest you try to get him to a GP.

Other measures are mentioned in the following threads. Even if you just read the first post of each.

Again welcome hete and all the best

Use google

Topic: can you force people?- beyondblue

Topic: is there room for stubborness? - beyondblue

Topic: depression and sensitivity - a connection?- beyondblue

Topic: who cries over spilt milk- beyondblue

Topic: embracing the embracer- beyondblue

Topic: relationship strife? The peace pipe- beyondblue

Topic: being reasonable in arguements- beyondblue

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[tandia]

Thank you for your response.

I am seeing a counsellor, and have asked he will come along, but at this stage he won't do that either.

[geoff]

hello Tandia, I'm pleased I have found your comment, simply because I've had a head injury and boy I know what you are going through, but it's even harder to try and explain any of this to your husband because he can't see what damage has been done.
Children aged 5 and 2 are always a handful, and if you are feeling well then it's an enjoyed, however if you're not then it becomes tiring and stressful because a child this young doesn't know 'keep quiet means'.
It's to be expected that you are going to have depression and anxiety that goes without saying after a head injury or anyother type of injury which then stops you from doing what you have been used to be doing.
How can you explain to him that you may have forgotten something, to him that's no excuse, but it certainly is, and eventually you will learn to cope with what has been lost, but yes it's sad and very disappointing, but hard work.
I wonder whether he is still taking his medication, because there are times when the mood of a prerson doesn't get any better, so they decide not to continue with them.
As Tony has said, you really need to have not only counselling but also therapy for your head injury, and unless your husband knows that he must seek counselling for himself then I'm really sorry but nothing is going to change, except heartache for you and the children.
You have to now weigh up your position with your children, now and certainly years ahead.
Please keep in touch with us, your situation concerns us. Geoff.