Husband addicted to porn - need advice

[Guest_01884801]

I recently found out that my husband is addicted to porn. I am so upset. I have been crying and feeling depressed and now insecure about my body. I have spoken to him about the porn. He said he will stop but I don't believe him at all. I also don't want to control him and now just want to divorce him. He is trying hard to keep us together but I don't believe he will ever stop and I don't want that kind of relationship. I don't know what to do. I really don't think counselling will work either for us because I don't believe he sees it as a problem and will really stop.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life and your relationship. My heart goes out to you, given the sense of betrayal and disappointment you feel, amongst many other feelings.

While some people are addicted to a sense of excitement, the form it takes can definitely be highly questionable at times. As a gal who's been married for 22 years, there have been times where I've thought 'What the hell?' when it comes to my husband's sense of excitement. While porn's not an issue in our relationship, the fact that my husband's sense of excitement in life is channeled more into a V8 Commodore (rather than developing a greater sense of excitement in our relationship) has led me to actually question him in a number of ways.

Mentally, it can be about a sense of identity in some ways (whether it be about porn or a V8 car) 'I am a virile man who's attracted to attractive things. I am a man, attracted to manly things that men like. Such things are produced for men like me. There's nothing wrong with me if I like that kind of stuff'. Bit of an over the top example but one nonetheless in some cases. Physically, it can be about biology and chemistry. Endorphins, dopamine, testosterone and all that kind of stuff can be felt at high levels. So, when a man gets a hit of these chemicals, they're highs that can be felt. Such feelings can become addictive. The next 'hit' pays off. The next hit produces a high. From a soulful perspective, whatever offers a high tends to give us an energetic sense of connection to life. Again, there can be some highly questionable energetic connections. 'Why are you more connected to erotic actors and screen time than me?'. 'Why are you more connected to a car than me?'. I sound a bit harsh when I say this but it can be so much easier to access a website or get in some vibrating manly vehicle than it can be to bring about a more exciting sense of connection in a relationship with your partner.

I suppose, at the end of the day, the question we pose to our partner can be 'If the challenge in this relationship is to develop new highs with me, are you willing to invest the time and effort it takes in developing yourself in being able to do that?'. If the answer is 'No' then are we prepared to stay with someone who can't or won't change the way they get their highs? It can be about a bit of give and take too. 'Am I willing to develop in new and exciting ways that are going to be attractive?'. It can be so incredibly challenging at times for both parties in a relationship. While I've said to my husband in the past 'If you gradually develop the romantic in you I will feel undeniably attracted to you in so many more ways and this will pay off for you', his response to that has been 'That's just not me'. The key words here are gradually develop (not 'magically make suddenly appear'). After 22 years of marriage, I've come to be pretty tough and intolerant, with the response 'Either accept the challenge or be lazy. The choice is yours. Either way, I'll be able to feel the choice you make'. I should add that the main reason for my intolerance comes from all the work I've had to do over the years on myself in the ways of self development and greater levels of self understanding, so as to manage my mental health. I have little tolerance for my partner doing no work at all.

Of course, I fully acknowledge the difference between being attracted to car bodies compared to women's bodies. The second can bring about an incredible sense of betrayal. A person's addiction can come in many different soul destroying ways for their partner, some far more painful than others. I wish there was something I could say that would make what you're facing so much easier for you. This definitely sounds like a next level challenge in your relationship. The question is 'Is your partner prepared to rise to that level and meet the challenges that will positively develop the relationship he shares with you?'. ❤️

[Fiatlux]

Hi sweetheart,

My husband of 37 years is addicted to many things and 1 is porn. 

It took me several years to learn about all of his addictions but I still don’t understand or accept them. He can’t stop himself or help himself. 

My husband is impulsive and acts without thinking first which has landed him in a lot of trouble. He is careless and self obsessed and narcissistic in every aspect.

The porn addiction he has tried hiding from me in the past as he knew that I would disapprove. More recently he just watches porn and tells me about it if I refuse sex. He can’t be cured as he sees it as a problem with me, rather than a problem with him!

I will add that my husband has been unfaithful to me for our entire marriage. He has absolutely no respect for me or our marriage and he doesn’t want to stop or change.

As for your husband stopping, he must prove to you that he has stopped. It’s not healthy for him or you or your marriage. 

Have you read up on porn addiction? This may help you going forward with your husband’s recovery.

Good luck, Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Scared]

I dont want to see anyone to divorce unless a marriage is destructive.

My time on beyond blue forums I have read many stories now and men behaving badly features somewhat.

And often divorce seems to be the easiest answer as some problems are just so overwhelming I need to pass on replying on them.  But something I learnt when my brother died and the change in attitude and morality.   My parents learnt the hardest way possible that most things dont matter that much in comparison to burying your son.   My parents would think about for eg. Porn addiction as "  well I dont agree nor like it but at least he is alive and thats all that really matters to us "   My parents would not condone the eg. Porn addiction and still kept their Catholic morals but they changed their perspective of what is their priority in life.  Im not saying that you should have to live with husbands addiction,  what Im saying is Im happy you are not being abused by an alcoholic violent partner or lost your home thru a gambling addict or burying a child to drug overdose.   I am not here to invalidate your problem with your partners addiction as I hear this is distressing you.  Sometimes I think we all need grounding as we never know what is awaiting us around the corner that could spin our worlds apart forever.

My brother was an alcoholic who died at 33 yo .  My parents and my brothers girlfriend were very concerned by his drinking but after he died they all would give anything to see him back having a beer.  Its funny how quickly my brothers drinking suddenly became something they longed to see.  Their perspective had changed .  I hope things sort out with your partner and I wish you well