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Hubby doesn’t seem to understand my wants

AspyGirl
Community Member

Hi, my name is Mel.

I have been with my hubby now for about 16 years and been married just over two.

He was awesome, up until recently. We both had stable jobs, building a house but we weren’t happy. I was travelling nearly two hours each way for work I didn’t have a life, see my son or my hubby. Hubby also works in pubs so we could go weeks and never see each other.

Then I got offered a job in Townsville. We decided, as a family, that I should take it and we relocated. Love Townsville. But he took 6 months to get a job and we are now massively in debt - to the point where we’re are now selling our house to save ourselves - and the job he has is only casual.

Several times over now, he has been overlooked for a permanent position at his work and he just won’t fight for one. He’s been there over 12 months, with fairly regular shifts, so is entitled to request permanency under a Fair Work ruling. He just refuses to do it.

The job I moved for is just awful. The people good but the way it is run is just barbaric. I don’t want to be there anymore. But given that we have a 9 year old and financial issues, I am trying to make myself as indispensable in the job as possible and gain promotions. So far, I’m not sure I’ve succeeded in either task. My contract is up in 5 days, I am under review for a permant position and I’m REALLY scared that at the end of next week, I’m going to be completely out of a job, with a kid, a mortgage, rent, bills and a hubby who can’t see that it is about us not him.

I want to leave my job. I want to try to work at other places and find a job I actually enjoy. But while he’s casual, I just don’t feel safe enough to take that risk.

This issue caused a fair shouting match tonight and my poor kid is stuck in the middle.

Am I being stupid? Or does he just need to stop being so selfish?

1 Reply 1

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi AspyGirl,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Reading your post there are two issues to contend with. The first is your position and the second relates to your husband.

My personal opinion is that you are both a team, but the team from the sound of your post is a bit one-sided, being more reliant on you than him. The reason why he would only be happy (?) with a casual position is something that would have to be determined. I am guessing that you are able to have discussions in this area that do not devolve into arguments? (I see a psychologist on a regular basis and invariably will have to have a conversation with my wife about something. Sometimes I will take her out for coffee, and sometimes in the bedroom where the kids can't (haha) hear us.It is tricky to get the right words out without putting the other person on the defensive.) It might be that does not feel he has the right to do request permanency, or may not like the job or .... the reasons are endless. But if you are able have that conversation with him, you might get the core of matter and from there work out what to do.

In relation to your current position it was a little confusing to me - good people, but run barbarically. You have tried very hard, but also want to leave your job. That's OK. But you you were concerned that you will be out of a job after the review. One of the things my psych reminds me of is a list of questions I have to ask myself when I have a negative thought. The most important are (I think)

  • what proof is there this is 100% true?
  • what would you tell a friend if they said this to you?
  • is this healthy for me?

It is natural to be nervous and concerned. It might be easy to answer the questions, but believing is different. And suppose that you stay in the position you are at, you can always look for positions elsewhere.

With limited space, I just wanted to touch on the debt situation... you can contact the national debt helpline for free financial counselling on 180 007 007. Their web site is can be found here...

http://www.ndh.org.au/

I am really sorry for what is happening to you and your family in a move that you hoped would resolve the issues you were dealing with. If there is anything you want to chat about in my reply, or anything else, please let me know. Sitting on the strand with you.... I used to live in that city.

Tim