How to Move on

Draconhart · ‎09-08-2013

Where to start. There is a bit to my story...

I got into a relationship earlier this year. A relationship I never should have- with a married man who is quite a bit older than me. It was so against all my personal morals and beliefs- cheating is wrong and I never envisioned I'd have a relationship with a married man. But I did and I fell in love with him. He told me he was going to leave his wife and move in with me, he told his wife too, but a few days later he ended it all with the excuse that the age difference was too much.

However, months later I still can’t get over this, can’t move on and it’s affecting my life majorly. There are a couple of things happening. I still want him, I can't get over him, I still love him. But on the other hand, I feel so ashamed and guilty for even getting into the relationship in the first place so beat myself up about this all the time too. Another part to this mess is that we have a common interest- music- and we both played in a few different bands together. I've been playing for 25 years and I love it so much, but I've had to give it up because I can't be around him any more. I did try for a while to continue, but he just acted like nothing ever happened- even though he knew I still had feelings, and it was too hard. So I gave up bands which has been the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. Even harder because I can't tell anyone why I've left. I cried when I made that decision and still cry because I miss my music so much.

I’ve seen a psychiatrist about it, given up stuff that we did together so I don’t see him any more, talked to the minister at my local church etc- but nothing helps. It doesn’t help that I can’t tell anyone what I’m really feeling. I’ve never been able to verbalise my feelings. It just stews up inside me. So I still cry over my feelings for him, over the fact that his life has just gone back to normal when mine is crap, over having to quit music, over being so stupid at getting myself into the situation in the first place. I hate going to bed at night because my mind just plays it all over and over, so I sometimes cry and can hardly ever get to sleep. I'm not sure if I have depression, but I get pretty low at times. I lack any motivation for work, hate being on my own, don’t eat and when I do it’s just crap, but I can also put on a brave face to the outside world and appear happy. It’s all just driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do or how to move on. So any suggestions greatly appreciated.

Draconhart · ‎19-08-2013

Thanks everyone for your support. It has helped immensely. I wish I could meet every one of you and give you each a big hug as both a thank you and a keep going, it'll get better hug.

I've contacted my psychiatrist and am going to see her soon, which hopefully will help. I'm still feeling pretty good, happy and all that, but I know I'm not over this completely. I really want to get back into my music and I don't know what will happen when I see him again, so I need her support through that.

I have learned a lot from this experience, so hopefully will never make the same mistakes again. I'm determined to be a better and stronger person after all this. Everyone who has replied to my initial post has helped me along the way. I know there is still a long way to go but thanks again 🙂

vip · ‎20-08-2013

Your welcome Draconhart so happy to hear you are on the mend good on you for this great achievement you should be so very proud of yourself. Goodluck always

Draconhart · ‎25-08-2013

An update- I went back to bands this week. It was bloody hard, I nearly didn't go but I did. Turns out that he wasn't going to be there anyway, which was good. So I actually went back to 3 groups without having to worry about him being there. Everyone made me feel so welcome which I wasn't quite expecting. On Friday I got to see the psychologist as she had a cancellation and we talked through some stuff and I was feeling really good.

But I feel like crap today. Can hardly put on foot in front of the other. Woke up just feeling sad for no reason. Haven't been able to shake it. I went to church this morning (been playing in an ensemble there) and then had quintet practice this afternoon. I decided to walk as I thought the exercise might make me feel better, and playing would too, but it didn't. I just feel so down and, well I don't know what I feel actually. It's different to what I'd been feeling recently. I just feel blah

Amelia · ‎26-08-2013

Hi Draconhart,

I just wanted to say that a couple of years ago, I fell in love with a man 10 years older than me - and he was engaged. We really connected and he told me the feelings were mutual. However, he chose to stay with his fiancee and it really, really hurt that I couldn't be with him. It took me at least 12 months before my feelings begun to fade, but they did (much to my surprise and relief). There are still moments when I think about what might have happened if things were different... but the pain is gone and now I love him just as a friend. At the time, I didn't feel like I could ever love anyone again as much as I loved him. It was overwhelming. But it did get better, after much time.

You deserve someone who treats you better than that man did. Your heart will come to recognize that in time. And I would suggest trying to write those lyrics... I wrote 70 songs in those 12 months of heartbreak. At the time, it didn't always make me feel better, but in the long run I think it helped for me to release everything I felt and couldn't say.

I also had another relationship where things really got messy and I didn't tell my parents about it for months, because I didn't feel like they would understand, and I thought I could handle it on my own - but when I finally did let it all out to them, they were my biggest support and it really strengthened the bond between us. I hope you can talk to your mum at some point.

Well done for contacting your psychiatrist! You are awesome. 🙂

Amelia

David123 · ‎26-08-2013

Hi Draconhart,

I am also slowly recovering ... haven't had to call lifeline for a few weeks now and have started dating again which is a boost to my self esteem. Also slowly getting back into normal routines.

But like you I have days when I get down. I am learning acceptan eof these bad days, and underdstand I will ride through them. However I think the general direction is up (this is what my friends and family tell me). Looking at your posts above, we can all see you slowly improving. Good work.

- David

Draconhart · ‎03-09-2013

Well I had a good week, then a pretty bad week. My doctor gave me some antidepressants which I didn't think I needed, but when the bad week got into it's third day I decided I'd try them. Been on them a week now and it's been hard. I have been very anxious to the point of having a few panic attacks, tired, churning stomach and just feeling pretty bad overall. Then wishing it would all go away and a little crying again.

But I saw my psychologist again today, who tells me that most of what I've been feeling could be a reaction to the medication and it should pass shortly. Pity someone hadn't told me that earlier. She gave me some techniques to try too if I had another panic attack, and also told me I am breathing too much which can cause anxiety- I breathe like 27 times a minute when normal is around 15, so I need to do some breathing exercises. So hopefully these, plus the medication all start to work and I can feel a heap better soon.

The up side to my ordeal is that I have discovered there are a whole lot of people who care for me. Not all know about my depression, but have sensed things aren't ok and have been looking out for me, offering to listen if I want to talk, pick me up to go to band, even mow my lawn. When I was at my darkest point, I didn't think anyone really gave two hoots about me, so it is comforting to know I have a large network of friends and collegues who care.