How to look after a depressed person after an affair?

Nil · ‎31-10-2018

hi all, I'm nil and I'm new here. I desperately need some advice...

My family is overseas. I have just found out that my dad had an affair while my mom was away on a 2 months trip (to visit me in Austraila). He has been talking and chatting to my aunt ( my mom's twin sister!). we reckon this has been going on only for 2 weeks or so and after my sisters found it out by checking their mobile phones they talked to the aunt and asked her to end it and never let my mom know about it. they asked her to end it without letting him know that my sisters are aware. and she did that and stops using social media and texting him from the day after (June). my mom went back home and apparently, dad was being very nice to her for a month and being very supportive and my sisters could feel him being regretful and ashamed at that stage. ( before this they have always been nice and friendly). last month, aunti suddenly told everybody that she is getting married and since that day dads mood changed. He is very depressed, he even cried the day after and he is not nice to mom anymore, doesn't talk much, doesn't care about anyone, having earphones all the time and being rude. its been 2,3 weeks that they don't sleep in the same bedroom and they hardly talk together and mom confused and sad. On the other hand, mom complains that Aunti has suddenly stopped coming over, she doesn't talk to me like before and I feel like something has happened and she is annoyed of something but it's not me. she is thinking too much about the changes and wonders why her sister is so depressed ( aunt is her twin sister, 50 years old, widow, has 3 children and the youngest is 20. she used to be very talkative and happy and now seems to very very quiet). I and my sisters don't want her to find out what had happened and why are they changed but we don't know if she has noticed because she loves dad and this could kill her. Dad very much looks like he is deeply depressed and we are afraid he might commit a suicide but we can not talk to him about that and we don't want him to know that we knew about this. We don't know how to make him feel better and come back to routine life. we hate and love him at the same time... but all we think about it not letting mom know anything and also look after dad. we have time to be angry at him later. What do you think we should do? how can we help? aunts wedding is soon, maybe is 2,3 weeks and we are so worried if he does something ...

Croix · ‎01-11-2018

Dear Nil~

Welcome here, you have a complicated very upsetting and worrying situation and I can understand how your feelings for you dad are very mixed, however you give the impression you still love him.

I'm not going to make any remarks about right and wrong, I'd just like to talk so given the situation you can make your own mind up what is best.

Love is a powerful thing, and will enable a person to forgive things they might not in other people. Being scared someone might kill himself is a terrible feeling to have. And of course by the sound of it your dad is isolated. Partly because he has distanced himself from your mum, partly for other reasons. He may feel grief and despair too. (I'm guessing)

If he were to kill himself the consequences to you, your sister, your mum, and probably your aunt, would be devastating.

While it may appears sensible to not let anyone know that you know anything that does have a couple of consequences. It is making a decision on your mum's behalf - not to keep her informed. If that is the right thing to do I've no idea, it depends on how your mum would handle things I guess.

It also means that your hands are tied as to doing anything. Do you think it might help your father to be less isolated, possibly less alone and maybe less guilty if he knew he could talk with you or your sister? It would not stop you saying how you felt, but at least you would be talking and that could potentially make a huge difference.

Just thoughts, I really would like you to come back and talk more

Croix

Nil · ‎03-11-2018

Hi Croix, it all makes sense. I understand that this is her right to khow but we just thought if its over, we should not bring it up, its already like an old wound for me and my sisters. Im afraid she gete depressed or even have a heart attack at the worst case.

and we just thought if dad finds that we already know, then he will have no other reasons not to live, for the shame or guild or mabe it just makes is easie for him to go away...

but I do agree that he might need to talk about it ( not sure if people like to talk about cheating on ther spouses), but that might help him and take the pressure off him.

Croix · ‎04-11-2018

Dear Nil~

Well, I'm not sure you are right about your dad. Isolation is a horrible thing, it makes unreasonable ideas breed unchecked. I would guess, and it is only a guess, that your dad might be very frightened that you and your sister could find out, and that extra bit of pressure is not good.

No, I'm sure he would not like taking about what had been done, but I suspect not talking and living in fear might be worse - what do you think?

Telling your dad the truth in a non-threatening way - that you and you sister know but love him anyway and are worried about what he might do is a very powerful thing. Only you and your sister can decide if that is the way to go, but at least it is an option.

As for your mum, things do not always remain the same and she may, one way or another find out (and that you had kept silent). Do you think that is best? If your mum discovers everyone around her knows and she did not it might make her feel powerless and not capable, quite apart from the hurt of the affair.

When someone does something to hurt someone often they have regrets and will wish to make amends, do you think your dad feels that way?

I suppose I'm just providing more thoughts, I've no answers. Sometimes talking back and forth can make things clearer.

I'm glad your have your sister so you can support each other

Croix