How to let go and have an amicable separation.

[Jupiterme]

Dear All,

I hope you are all well.

I am currently going through a separation with wife of 22 years (2 children aged 10 and 12) and feeling depressed, scared and at a loss.

I can understand and accept the basis for the separation but unfortunately I am struggling to reconcile with the way in which the ex-wife brought things to an end.

Despite there being no easy way, she did it in a way that was very cruel.

How does one reconcile the significant impact on their emotions with the expectation that one must relinquish any ill-feelings almost at the same time or not long after upon entering formal separation proceedings ?

I understand the need to let go for our children and having an amicable divorce but how do you realistically and practically do this ?

With little time to process your emotions and compounded by demands from lawyers and the rest of life's responsibilities, how do you find an emotional pathway to navigate your way through an amicable, fair and reasonable separation/divorce ?

To avoid potential conflict I am feeling myself withdraw from the separation process. I don’t like feeling this way and any thoughts or advice would be most welcome.
JupiterMe

[ecomama]

Dear Jupiterme, welcome to the forums.
I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time that brought you to the forums, but I'm glad you joined and shared some of your story. 

The emotional distress some spouses feel when blindsided by separation and divorce is completely ignored in Family Law. IMHO it's completely ridiculous but then again I find quite a lot of FL dumb founding. 

"Amicable"? 
Hm how sweet! 
Obviously it's NOT possible in some divorce situations.
My last one was described as "vitriolic" at best. 
I'd had time to get my head around our desperate NEED to get out, study his many disorders and research an approach to divorce whilst separated and study FL for years. He had a completely OTHER direction which led to vitriol. 

Mentally I split my approach to life during this time into 2 sections: 
1. Being the legal side which demanded steely rationality and pure focus, 
2. Being the emotional side which I kept schtum - more following below on how I handled this. 

I ended up driving the entire process. 

My aim was not to keep loving or keep hating but to feel "nothing" towards him. This was the rational approach, even though distressing disclosures & legal dramas challenged me 24/7/366 for years. 

I suggest you read up on "The 180 strategy" and "the Gray Rock technique" << these help us get to "nothing". 
They assist us to make any interactions moving forward, devoid of emotional charge (even when the ex attempts to poke and create these kinds of reactions). 

For the emotional side, I found a Counsellor who held strong with me throughout all those years (5-7 years through many Courts) and still now. It was horrible. 
But I was able to save my emotions for our appointments and of course cry and let it out at home when the kids couldn't hear me. It was extremely hard. I often went to the waterfront by myself in the car, with a hot drink and box of tissues! 
He couldn't control himself, as per. Lost his split in front of Police, Judges, Barristers, Security Guards protecting me... anyone. 

Avoiding alcohol is my overall best advice. 
Dreaming of things you want to do in life AFTER divorce helps. 

Best wishes
EM