How to deal with partner smoking inside

[Ameyj]

Hi,
I am experieincing relationship problems with my partner of one 1 year, mostly related to our out of synch sleeping patterns and his insistence on smoking inside. My partner is a hard working man who earns and pays for most things such as rent, food, bills etc. I am a full time student so I have become used to living like this. He feels because he works hard and pays for most stuff that he should be allow to enjoy his luxuries - which mostly include smoking pot everyday, inside, and playing computer games til very early in the morning.
I do not wish to control him and make him unhappy. But I am becoming increasingly affected by these habits. For instance he insists on smoking in bed and watching netflix before sleep. I on the other hand prefer sleep earlier in complete darkness, quiet and not breathing in smoke. So we go to bed, pop a movie on and I fall asleep halfway through, only to wake up an hour, later feeling grumpy that lights are still on, and joints are still being smoked. At this point we often have a fight. I think he should stop smoking inside and respect my need for darkness. He thinks he has a right to enjoy his late night smoke and movie in his own bed. All this usually occurs anywhere between 1 and 5am in the morning.
He also smokes in the toilet, which has no windows only a fan, and in our bedroom at any other given point in the day, often inviting all his male friends over to game and smoke in our room. We live in an apartment and have been warned to stop smoking pot inside and the front balcony where he used to smoke, as a result now our room which has a back balcony is the only place to smoke, as he doesn’t want to risk smoking his pot outside.
I have been heading to my parents house up to 3 days a week just to get adequate sleep so I can study. This takes a lot of stress off our relationship, and when I head back to our apartment we feel happy and loving to one another, but after a couple of days I’m fed up and we fight again.
I love my boyfriend dearly. He is generous with me and has recently quit alcohol, after finally acknowledging he had an drinking problem. To show my support I quit with him and I am proud of how he has become a better person. We have gone through a fair bit together already, including an abortion, and despite his flaws he has shown me that he does really love and care for me and I don’t want to throw it all away. But what should I do about his smoking? How can I get him to stop?

[Zeal]

Hey Ameyj,

Welcome to the forum!

This is a tough situation, and I'm glad you explained it in detail. It sounds as though your partner is caring and loving, which I'm very glad to hear. It is fantastic that he is abstaining from alcohol, after accepting that he had a problem. This is no small feat, and it is great that you are supporting him by also not drinking. You are a great partner to do this.

This indoor pot smoking sounds out of hand. I personally have very little tolerance to fumes from smoke. No one in my family smokes, and I only have one friend who does, but he always goes outside when he wants a cigarette. I have a very keen sense of smell and I genetically have bad sinuses, so smoke affects me more than most.
Having to be in close quarters with drug fumes in your own place is certainly unhealthy. Does your partner realise that it affects your health and wellbeing? Also, having your sleep regularly disturbed is problematic for you when you're studying. Even though your partner earns the money at the moment, this doesn't give him the right to disregard your own wishes and wellbeing. Smoking in bed is really bad, and I can completely understand why this frustrates you so much.

In an ideal world, your partner would stop smoking pot in the house (or at all, for that matter). However, because this drug is ever-present in your partner's life and is also something he does with his friends, a good start would be to have boundaries about where your partner can smoke in the house. Your bedroom should definitely be off-limits, as this is a shared zone and it's important that you don't have to breathe in smoke fumes while you sleep. The bathroom should ideally be smoke-free too, because of the lack of ventilation. Maybe there could be one room where your partner is 'welcome' to smoke (at least for the time being). It's important to discuss this openly and as calmly as possible. It's also best to bring up this arrangement in the absence of direct conflict.

Has your partner been to a doctor (GP) about the smoking? I don't know whether he would be willing to see a doctor for this, but this would definitely be a wise step in the right direction.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Ameyj]

Hi Zeal, thank you for your response. I have told my partner repeatedly that I do not like the smoking inside, espeacially in the bedroom. he chooses not to listen and do it anyway, despite my obvious disapproval and how uncomfortable it makes me. Unfortunately due to the neighbors complaining about the smell, the only room in the apartment he can smoke in is our bedroom, so he uses this to justify it.

My partner has no intention of quitting, and has no regard for the concept of second hand smoke. His parents smoked and all of his friend smoke, its so much a part of his life that he has no desire to quit. No he hasnt been to the doctor about it, and I regardless he wouldnt listen to the doctor.

Im not even going to try to convince him to stop smoking, I just want to know has anyone else been in a simular situation with a partner smoking inside, and how did you convince them to realise that it was causing harm to those around them?

[Starwolf]

Hi Ameyj,

You are in a distressful situation and it's seems there's no escape from it. If there is, it is obviously not going to come from your boyfriend's side..

Pot may not be addictive in itself. However, the induced state of mind is. What specific issue lies at the bottom of any type of self medication is its root cause. This is what needs to be addressed but denial often makes it impossible.

So the real issue here is whether you are prepared to cope with long-term effects - for yourself, your bf and the relationship- or not. If your bedroom is the only place where he can indulge the habit, you may have to choose another room to sleep in peace.

Kindest thoughts.

[blondguy]

Hi Ameyj

Good topic!

I smoke cigarettes and live on my own, but when people visit I smoke outside as a courtesy.

I had a boarder smoking weed years ago in my home. I quietly mentioned that I dont want that foul smelling stench inside my house.

Besides being a trigger for people that have a pre-disposition for schizophrenia/mental illness it just smelled bad. I was polite yet firm. She said she was addicted to the pot and then left.

Nice1 Ameyj 🙂

my best

Paul

[Ameyj]

Thank you all for your responses.

The situations still hasnt been resolved completely but I have become more conscious about the tension it causes and have been more careful not to get into an argument with him as I know that wont help.

Yesterday while surfing the net I discovered these "I can Breathe" masks designed to protect the wearer from fumes, ciggarette smoke, pollution, dust, moulds, etc. While my boyfriend was smoking in the room yesterday I showed him pictures of the masks. He offered to buy one for me because I said it would make living with his smoking more bearable. Today I went out an bought one and sent him a pic of me wearing it and he sent me a response saying that he 'felt really shitty that his girlfriend has to wear a mask in the house so he can smoke next to her, and that he felt like a shitty boyfriend and he offered to smoke outside in the evenings from now on'.

Basically he felt so guilty by me having to wear a mask around him hes offered to go outside.

I feel happy with this outcome and I really hope he decides to stick to it. I know arguing my point isnt gonna help anymore so I'm just gonna wear my mask around him every time he lights up and hopefully he feels the need to head outside.

[SubduedBlues]

Ameyj

When I first read your post, I was angered by him smoking in bed. Hopefully that is over and one with, and a thing of the past, but just in case it starts to occur again, you may want to consider letting him know that "Smoking in bed" is the number one cause of house fires resulting in death. As far as I am concerned, there is never a good reason to smoke in bed.

But it seems as though the two of you have reached an acceptable outcome; I think that is wonderful news. Let's hope it stays that way. And I like your idea about continuing to wear the mask to help reinforce the impact his habits have on you.

Best wishes
SB

[Zeal]

Hi Ameyj,

I am so glad your boyfriend is starting to realise that his smoking really does affect you directly. Those masks are a good means of protection for you, and it's also a visual reminder to your boyfriend of what measures you need to take because of his smoking.

I'm happy for you with this outcome! 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Starwolf]

Yesss (insert air punch) !

Great idea Ameyj...so relieved a non-confronting solution has been found. Well done !