How do you know when it's time to leave?

grt123 · ‎10-03-2019

I was married for over 30 years. I was as loyal as a Labrador and wouldn't let go no matter how bad things got. Then one day 'bing' - I was done. The trigger was insignificant - no argument or fireworks. It was like I'd been on a journey and I'd quietly pulled into the station.

geoff · ‎10-03-2019

Hi Grt, thanks for your comment.

Being married for 30 years is a long time but then the flame goes out, not really for any reason, but the relationship just falls apart and fortunately, it was amicable.

I'm not going to suggest why this happened but worried that after all of this time you might be feeling a bit lost, that's how I felt after 25 years of marriage, but once I got settled my life all fell into shape.

So much must have been achieved but would really like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

demonblaster · ‎10-03-2019

Hi grt123 ☺ you're fairly new here so welcome you've come to an amazing caring place with such good people

30 yrs wow you poor thing it sounds as though you had a pretty hard time of it. Entirely up to you if you want to talk about any of that but I'll and no doubt others will be listening.

Good on you btw for leaving that I would think would have many mixed emotions. I really hope you're feeling good about the move although no doubt your mind has so much to sift through too.

I'm wondering do you have any hobbies or distractions, suddenly after the stress you've been under being by yourself if you are, can give room for a lot of negative and painful thoughts which can easily spiral into if you're not already depressed.

If you find you're needing a voice to vent the number here's 1300224636. Do you have friends or family that you can talk to at all and you always have here too

I'm sorry you've had so much grief in your life. I wish you well in your new life and look forward when and if you'd like to let us know how it's going for you darl.

Look after yourself hun. This is your time now.

🕊

grt123 · ‎10-03-2019

The good thing about holding on so long was that I'd mourned my marriage and my broken heart had healed (almost) long ago. The challenges of separation were financial and logistical more than anything else. I have good support networks but fear I might use them up - after years of keeping secrets I now can't stop sharing - that's one of the reasons I came to this forum. I can speak frankly about the violence and his drinking etc without the guilt of feeling I'm being disloyal. Lately I have found myself being forgetful at work and it's hard to get motivated. I'm anxious that I've left my run too late to recover financially and to find love again (if that's even what I want) but then another part of me says to just be glad of the peace and safety in my new life.

geoff · ‎10-03-2019

Hi Grt, thanks for getting back to us and what you've told us, let's us understand your situation about the violence and his drinking.

We will try and help you because some of us have been through similar circumstances.

Take care.

Geoff.

Definitely_Otherwise · ‎10-03-2019

Hi grt123

I haven’t experienced spousal violence but I was raised in DV, so I don’t completely understand what you’ve been through, but have had experience from the position of a little kid. I know what it feels like to have to build a broken sense of self from the tiny little pieces left, that were deformed by their aggression and self centredness. Clawing yourself out of worthlessness that was constructed by someone who lacks inherent empathy – takes years.

What I found so beautiful about the imagery you conjured –

I was married for over 30 years. I was as loyal as a Labrador and wouldn't let go no matter how bad things got. Then one day 'bing' - I was done. The trigger was insignificant - no argument or fireworks. It was like I'd been on a journey and I'd quietly pulled into the station.

Is that despite how hard and how long he tried – you haven’t given up on yourself entirely. And you haven’t bought into his brainwashing, although many days it felt like you had, because he made you feel so empty. You have come to realise that you are worthy.

Only surround yourself with people that make you feel worthy from now on. And you will gradually rebuild your life from that stance of self-respect.

Def

Just_Mel · ‎10-03-2019

Hi grt123,

This is me right now, down to the letter. I’m 25 years in and all of a sudden I’m done . I’ve done the same mourning and giving up long ago. And it’s so strange you mention the forgetfulness at work, I have been experiencing the exact same thing. It looks like you made the move, I’m not there yet, but would really like to know how you did it, because I would give anything to get to that place. Without the guilt, without the regret. How did you leave.? I would really like to hear your story, it seems so much like mine.

geoff · ‎11-03-2019

Hello Just_Mel, Definitely Otherwise and Grt, I'd like to talk with you because I was the drinker when I was depressed and that's one reason why my wife divorced me, I don't blame her for doing this, but now I've changed completely and my ex and I still talk regularly, just as we did before, laughing and then going our own way.

I'm sorry it happened and never thought anything like this would ever happen.

Geoff.

Definitely_Otherwise · ‎11-03-2019

Hi Geoff,

The fact that you can speak so frankly and openly about it, says to me you are an incredibly strong man, and to climb out of alcoholism, which is a medical and health problem is no mean feat. I am sorry you lost your marriage, but I am glad that you and your ex wife don't hold onto any bitterness now and can have a laugh. I won't take over grt123's conversation, because it's about her life, but what stuck our for me probably was

I can speak frankly about the violence and his drinking etc without the guilt of feeling I'm being disloyal

I find it incredible that speaking about violence is equated with being disloyal. He must have said that. The only thing that I can think of is that it has been framed as acceptable inside of a diagnosed mental illness such as BPD or NPD. She has been told it is disloyal, and I found that disturbing.

I won't talk about my childhood situation, it's a spcae for grt123 to talk about the end of her marriage.

Cheers

demonblaster · ‎11-03-2019

Hi grt and everyone ☺

I feel for you all going through such terrible times and over so long too.

I agree it's very sad and I imagine brainwashing going on feeling you're being disloyal speaking the truth. Also shows extremely strong character traits in your favor not his.

Grt although I detest what you've been through I like that you've kinda come to terms I guess with tne situation over time because I'm hopeful for you that your new life will give you the freedom you so richly deserve.

In the short time I've known you I can see you're a strong lady.

Very glad hearing you have support if you don't mind me asking do you have a good psychologist or counsellor also because you can really let it out with them too and not be concerned about drying up your resources.

Completely understandable you poor thing holding so much pain all those yrs that you'd want to talk and both of you ladies not being able to concentrate at work, your minds are full with deep pain and confusion, be gentle with yourselves.

I wonder if you might also find helpful to write down how you're feeling in a journal or even a book if you wanted.

I commend you leaving and wish you every peace and freedom free of pain and guilt.

Very best to you Mel and definately otherwise too

🤗 it's virtual but if anyone needs a damned good hug I don't charge much 😉

🌹