How do I put a past relationship in the past,

[movingon1970]

I’ve never talked at length about this before… kinda thought it was daft.

Back in 1986 i met “F” who I thought was the girl of my dreams, the one! I was almost 16. We dated for c4 years and then out of nowhere it was over a month before her 18th birthday. I’ve no idea why it ended although she was moving away for uni.

Over the following 4 years we kept in touch and saw eachother now and again. I continued to hold a flame for her even though during that time we had seen various other people.

In 1991 I met my now wife “S” and a year of so later “F” met her now husband.

I think that there were probably a hand ful of times where “F” and I could have gotten back together, but I either never took the chance or the timing was not right.

As my relationship with “S” got deeper it became clear that my ongoing communication with “F” was getting in the way… “F” seemed to pop up when S or I was feeling a bit wobbly.

In early 1995 I wrote to “F” to say goodbye…. That wasn’t received well and I saw her for a final time. “F” said she understood.

In late 1995 “S” and I got engaged. I had heard that “F” got engaged a week or so later.

I married “ S” in mid 1996. Turned out that “F” got married the week before.

Since the goodbye letter I have now and again thought of “F”. Bizarrely when things weren’t 100% with “S”, I’d have an out of the blue dream about “F”…. Which always made me feel a bit wobbly for a day or 2.

Fast forward to 2007 and “S” and I plus our 2 round kids have moved to Australia from the UK. Within a month of moving downunder “F” made contact via social media. The messages seemed innocent although she did reminisce about the past using “in” language. I showed “S” all the messages as they came through. After 3 months the messages stopped.

Again since that time I have thought about “F” now and again plus had the odd dream…. Never anything sexual, just “F” and I doing everyday things.

fast forward to December 2023 and out of the blue I dreamt of “F” again… this time I woke up with an overwhelming sense of loss, sorrow and sadness. 2 days later I’m still feeling the same and becoming very emotional.

i believe dreams have meanings and so found the old messages from “F” and wrote her a message asking if she was ok, explaining the dream and the intensity of feelings… I deleted the message as I thought it hadn’t been seen and thought that such a random message after 16 years silence was a bit wierd.

”F” did see the message before it deleted and responded. She was grateful for my concern, we shared a couple more messages about our kids and dreams…. And that is it.

My mind is now running overtime thinking about “F”, what could have been, could there be something now etc… every time a thought pops in , the tears flow…. This is ridiculous.

This is ridiculous as I don’t know the 51 yo “F”…. Just the 18yo memories.. .There’s no way I’m giving up on my almost 30yr marriage. When I entered into marriage it was for life… divorce was and is never an option. We life 12000 miles apart. 

so how do I put “F” firmly in her rightful place in the past and kill off the emotions?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

I suppose thats how Psychs make a living but I do know that feeling. So it happened to me and at 21yo I met a lady, she had a 2yo child. For 7 years I tried to make it work but every week in that 7 years she would leave me, such was her issues. Anyway we separated and a friend noticed I was in grief. So my frind suggested I meet with my ex and feel the vibes. Turned out by chance we met at a shopping centre and chatted for 15 minutes. I came away from that meeting of the firm view that it was never meant to be, she treated her now love the same as me and was confused and non committal- like every day I was with her.

So meeting with an old flame does sometimes have their advantages.

The grass is greener syndrome hits a lot of us. Missed opportunities extend to careers, selling houses in a boom period and so on. In my case I went on to marry twice as well as a 10 years relationship. I cant help but look back sometimes at those days, but it isnt realistic to ponder on a reunification. It isnt logical etc etc.

If your feelings are too great then why not try to be friends and see what happens?

TonyWK