How do I help my daughter cope? Her 15 year old has moved out and is living with her dad.

[Sparkle1953]

it’s difficult to know where to start. My daughter who is 41 is a single parent and until recently was the primary carer of my granddaughter. My granddaughters dad has always been involved in her life and to my mind is a good father and has always paid child support.

Over the last couple of years as my granddaughter moved into her teens the tensions started between them and have only got worse. I have tried my best to support them all by staying neutral and helping where I can.

There has been much tension over the last 8 weeks as my granddaughter has decided to go live with her dad. My daughter has sent me the most disgusting texts saying what a useless human being I am because she feels that I have empowered my granddaughter to behave badly towards her and wants me to fix it. On the night she moved to her dads, it was after her mum had what I would call a psychotic episode and I actually witnessed it. I moved her out of what I believed was harms way.

I have to say that I didn’t expect it to escalate to the point of her moving permanently with her dad and enrolling in another school.

Her mum is now a complete mess and is seeing a psychologist. She keeps telling me that the psychologist and her doctor etc think that I am a disgusting human being for not helping the situation and so now it’s affecting me to the degree that I am anxious about them all the time and truly don’t know how to help. My granddaughters dad sent me a message tonight saying that none of this was my fault, but I am feeling so conflicted. It bothers me about what she has told her psychologist, to have them make that assumption about me. For the whole 15 years that she has been on her own, we have helped support them in every way, which includes emotionally, financially. I spoke to one of the councillors at Beyond Blue tonight and she said I should step away and let them figure it out themselves. I’m not sure I can do that. Your feedback also would be appreciated.

[blondguy]

Hello Sparkle1953

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the courage to write such a heartfelt post too..

I was born in 1959 and understand the pain you are going through..and for myself its very painful. My daughter is in her mid 20's and has been refusing me contact with my 6 year old grand daughter

Can I ask how long the phone call lasted with the Beyond Blue support service? From what you posted above stepping away and letting our 'kids figure it out' is not helpful....at all

You are very much like myself when you mentioned you have done your best to 'stay neutral'....yet when we care the way we do it can sometimes be difficult to stay neutral Sparkle

I have also had some vile texts from from my daughter over the past couple of years and I shake my head in disbelief as I have brought up my daughter in a kind and caring environment...Like yourself I have provided ongoing emotional and financial support...My daughter now wants nothing to do with me...(as I have stopped the financial assistance) My own health is paramount now as I dont want to pass away early due to my daughter being belligerent towards me....as there is only so much I can do.....at this time

just letting you know that the forums are designed to provide you (and myself) with a non judgmental place for you to post Sparkle

If you even just want to chat (or ask any questions) we are here and listening

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[Guest_7403]

A psychologist or GP would never say or make statements that your daughter says they have.

Thats all from your daughter

[Sparkle1953]

Hi Paul, thank you for your reply.
The call with the support person was about 45 mins.

I had a fitful nights sleep and about the only thing I could come up with was to make an appointment with her gp to discuss the situation with him and see if he could get her to come in and perhaps check her over to see if perhaps she suffers from bi polar or is taking drugs that are not compatible with each other.

She was on a medication for back pain last year for about 8 months as well as another medication. She has been weaned off them but I’m wondering if there is another cause under the surface that has gone undetected, or she came off them too suddenly. I believe the side effects can be brutal.

I know her gp can’t discuss her medical situation with me, but at least hopefully he can take my concern on board and see if there is anything else that can be done.

I’m not sure that seeing a psychologist helps, when they only get one side of the story and other people who are involved don’t get a chance to speak. I believe that the psychologist should be asking if we would be happy to come into a session. I definitely would.

Thanks again for your reply Paul.

[blondguy]

Hi Sparkle1953....no worries at all

45 minutes is a decent amount of time to chat on a helpline....and thankyou for your return post too!

Regarding a joint psychologist appointment with your daughter...Do you think your daughter would agree to a joint counselling session to clear the air?

You also mentioned about visiting her GP about taking your thoughts on board....excellent idea... you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so

Its only my humble opinion....The GP idea is good one as it also provides you with an opportunity to vent your own feelings and it keeps things simple...I really hope you can also look after yourself in this difficult time Sparkle.....Your health is paramount

my kind thoughts

Paul