Hoarding in laws

[Janksie]

Hi,

I'm sorry I have been lost for a while, my crawling toddler takes a lot of my time. Anyway I have been feeling very frustrated and I want to speak it out because it gets me very depressed. I live with my in laws. Before I continue my story, I just wanted to say that there is no way I can move out because of my husband and culture reasons. Secondly in our culture we don't talk directly to our inlaws. Thirdly, my husband is very attached to his parents, he will not do anything to change things even if I say it.

anyway back to my point,my in laws are hoarders. We live in this beautiful house that looks beautiful from outside but inside it is like a slum market, there are things everywhere, old things from 40 years ago to present. My room and my baby's room are the only cleanest rooms in the house. We have a kitchen that has 5 fridges that are fully crammed with food. We have a living room and study room etc that are fully filled with stuff that you have very little space to walk in between to get what you want. My in laws have separate rooms because their rooms are so filled up they they both can't fit in their rooms. Every day I wake up and see this I feel disgusted and put off with life, I have tried talking about it but no one wants to do anything. My worry is my son, my son is too small to understand anything, but as he grows will this be his childhood? Will this hoarding be normal to him? Will he be like that because everyone is like that? My family members never go out anywhere we are always forever at home, it has been many months since I went anywhere and that was for my son appointment. I have become used to it for 8 years now. I am a housewife and don't work. I haven't got my driving licence yet.

i worry that my son will be like them and I don't think I can handle it. When I try to clean myself they all get angry because they can't find their stuff.

how do I get rid of this frustration and the feelings I have?

anyway I just wanted to let it out. Thankyou for reading.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Janksie,

Welcome Back.

In my work life I am around all sorts of families and everyone has worries, they also have some good stuff, and some dreams.

It sounds like you don't have a lot that you can do about the mess without upsetting relationships and culture. I think though as a mum you do have your relationship with your son. I think he will seek reassurance to be comfortable exploring the world and will return to you with all that has happened. You can do so much there to help him grow and with that I hope he might understand the value the good in the culture and the relationships and to understand what he might like to be different too.

I would admit getting worried and frustrated too. What works for me valuing myself enough to take the time to do the little things that I enjoy and make me feel settled. One favourite is gardening, another favourite is sitting on the floor with the kids and playing with a big wooden train set together.

I wish you all the best.

Rob.

[geoff]

dear Janksie, I do remember a long time ago that someone was also in the same situation as you are in now, and Ihope that they are still on the forums so that they can help you out.
If you stay with your in laws then your son has every chance that he will grow up being everything like your in laws, however he will get the chance to move out when the appropriate time comes, I maybe wrong by saying this, so please correct me.
Personally I couldn't live like this but then I don't have any culture beliefs or relations, but I do understand what does happen with certain cultures which makes it very difficult.
ARE you able to build a 'granny flat' onto the back of the house and would this be allowed and can you afford it, or are you able to make weekly or monthly appointments with a doctor for your son's sake, so that you could spend the time outside, and would this culture permit this, as it maybe easier to do if your husband is working. Geoff. x