Hi Iam new to this site and Not coping with seperation from my husband and still do not know what to believe is truth or lies

[cherish]

My husband and I have been separated for approx. 12 weeks  we have been together 6 years and married 3 this year , I am not coping very well and have just made an appointment this morning to see a doctor to get help  and try to understand some  reasoning's to why my husband hurt me the way he did and still is  ,We both work very hard at our jobs and they can be  stressful at times and shift workers but we had a pretty good balance with home and work or so I thought , things started to go wrong when I hit that dreadful time in a women's life (Menopause) and we where working through it together he was so caring and supportive he even came with me to my doctors appointments so he could understand what I was going through, Anyway go back 12 weeks ago that's when things finally came crashing down around me  he left his computer on and he went to bed I was sitting watching the end of a movie when I heard a pinging noise so I thought I would see what it was and it was his computer and a message on Facebook messenger believe me I was not prepared for what I saw  it was a work college who only 4 weeks prior I met at his work place and she was very nice to me and joking with him in front of me  and I said to him she is a nice person when did she start working there his reply oh only a about two months ago she is good at her job glad I hired her I replied that's good she can take away some of the stress you deal with then "yep sure does " Now the penny dropped as to why he started working earlier and later and going in at the drop of a hat on weekends and sometimes having to go back to work later at night as something had happened and so on. then I got our phone bills which I didn't take any real notice of before but was even more shocked to see all these texts. So I confronted him about everything and the stories started  I don't didn't know what to believe and I still don't  he moved out and now lives closer to his work  and joined a dating site so he can make friends to go and have coffee with and movies and someone to talk too but he say still loves me and wants us to see each other still  I am sorry but I really have a problem in understanding this and why, he is going to a councillor now  as I have been to much for him to handle and he cannot deal with the fighting and the why I cannot understand and he needs to fix him self before we can fix us 

Can someone please help me understand  or even just talk with me I am really not coping at all 

Cherish

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Cherish,

Welcome to BeyondBlue and thanks for reaching out.

I haven't been in your situation before so unfortunately I can't relate but I just want to let you know that you are not alone.  I'm so sorry that this is happened to you and I'm proud of you for both reaching out to us but also being calm and going to the doctor.  

Try to remember that it's okay to feel. That sounds cliche but often in situations like these we try and deny anger or frustration or confusion, but it's normal to feel this way.

I hope that your doctor is able to refer you on to a psychologist so that you're able to have someone to talk to and look at what's next and how to manage.  I'm also sure that lots of other people on the forum will reach out because they have been in the same boat.

Take care,

[pipsy]

Hi cherish.  The first thing to understand (for lack of another word) is Menopause.  The things we women go through once that starts is unbelievable.  I am post menopausal (thank goodness).  I went through 3 stages of Hell.  Mood swings, imagination, headaches, sleepless nights, night sweats.  Your husband (like most men) has no idea what it's like.  Men do go through a type of mid-life crisis, where they say and do some strange things including being attracted to other women, wanting to reclaim their 'lost youth'.  Some men and women really hurt their spouses/partners at this horrible, nasty stage.  Going to your Dr is a great idea, he will be able to give you some practical advice on managing day to day situations.  Going to a councillor is also a fabulous idea, your husband sounds as though he's really wanting to work things out.  Maybe this colleague at work is also trying to help him understand you.  Are you positive he's talking about going on 'dates', as such.  We all need someone to 'unload' on, he feels he can't talk to you, not your fault.  With Menopause, we women fly off the handle so easily.  I remember what I was like, I knew how I was acting, but I couldn't seem to stop the insensitive remarks I made.  Once he understands more about Menopause, things could be easier.  There are books on the subject that will help you realize what's happening.  If he asks you something, try explaining (if you can).  The more you learn, the easier it becomes.  Menopause is about 10 years of hell.  Sorry about that.

Been there, done that. 

[cherish]

Thank you so much for your comments It has made me feel a little better just knowing that there is always someone to talk too and help put a bit of perspective to a situation , We cannot even talk about anything as it always ends up in tears ,and the hurt is unbearable and I am hurting beyond repair from the lies 

He has been on a couple of coffee dates so he said ,and the work college well from what I read and she wasn't actually  trying to discourage him and besides you do not use personal phone for work when you have work phones to use  or send texts at 1 am in the morning when your wife is asleep next to you  he seems to have excuses for everything these days or maybe its just my imagination ,I just want the hurt in my heart to stop and the sick feeling in my stomach to end ,turmoil in my head to go and feel a little bit normal  

Going to the doctor this afternoon was a blessing in getting the help i need to be able to deal with my anger and hurt , be able to trust again 

Thank you 

[White_Rose]

Dear Cherish

I am so sad that you have been through this horrible time and you are still struggling. I understand about sorting out the lies from the truth. Lies sound so plausible and reasonable it's hard to work out which is which. And the worst part is that it drives you crazy trying to work it out.

Would you say that usually you are a reasonable and balanced person? I know menopause does strange things but despite that would you say you are able to think reasonably? One of the best pieces of advice I have been given is to listen to my body. I don't mean the hurt and anger you feel, I mean the innermost gut feeling. What is your body telling you? That's where you will find the answers.

Take some breaths, sit down and put your anger aside. Allow your body to talk to you. Is your marriage able to be salvaged? Will you be able to trust your husband in the future? I am not trying to influence your answers, just get you to consider this situation as well as possible. Consider also if your desire to reunite is based on love alone or because you worry about being alone.

OK I have suggested some questions for you to ask yourself. You are the only person who can make the decisions about your future. It's good you were able to talk to your doctor and I hope this helped with your decision making.

Mary

[pipsy]

Dear cherish.  Reading through your post, I must agree wholeheartedly with Mary.  If by talking to your husband about how you feel could help you sort out what you want to do, go for it.  However, having said that, it would be hard for you to believe anything he said at the moment.  I think what you need to do is 'step back' from the situation and try and see it from 'outside' the square.  Very difficult, I agree, we can't 'divorce' our emotions.  Whatever you decide to do, you will 'know' deep inside whether it's right for you.  If you do decide to reconcile, there must be 'ground' rules.  These have to be mutually agreed on. 

My heart goes out to both of you.  I wish you all the best whatever happens.