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Community Member

I am in need of advice and perspective. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now, and our relationship has been very strong. We both feel a very strong connection between us which we think is rare, and are very serious about staying together. We are monogamous, and we value loyalty and honesty. This is my first real serious relationship. I have struggled with anxiety, depression and PTSD for a very long time. My boyfriend works at a gym as a trainer. He conducts classes with many people simultaneously, kind of like a boot camp. In November last year, there was a new person who signed up. My boyfriend found his social media, and saw that I had liked one of his posts. He asked if I knew him, and I said yes. Him and I had a fling a few years back. One day, as my boyfriend was going in to shower at the gym, and this guy (I will call him Tony) followed him and came onto him by choking him and making sexual remarks. My boyfriend told him to get off, and pushed him out of the room. Eventually, Tony apologised as he hadn't realised my boyfriend was in a relationship. Along the coming months, the two of them developed a friendship. Tony owns a business, and my boyfriend is looking to start a business of his own, so Tony would give him advice on business ideas, etc. They would go for walks after class and discuss this.

One day, Tony admitted to my boyfriend that he had developed feelings for him. My boyfriend responded by confessing he had developed something for him, too. He describes it to me as solely an admiration for his motivation and drive rather than infatuation, falling in love or desire. He told Tony that it sucked this was how he felt, but he told him that in the end, he loves me and nothing would become of this mutual attraction. He has never thought of him in a sexual way, more so just attraction to a personality trait. A few hours after this ordeal, my boyfriend told me what had happened, crying. I consoled him, and we talked about it. He was remorseful, and acknowledges he made a mistake. That was two months ago, and I still can't get it out of my head. The trust has come back, but I still feel hurt. He has completely cut him off. I do not want to leave. I can’t think of how someone who says they are loyal can develop an attraction for someone else, and confess the way they feel to them. When I asked him why he confessed to Tony, he said that it just came out. He didn’t really think about it, and that it was a mistake. Advice?

10 Replies 10

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Kiwiboy0897~

The fact you are having such open discussions with your BF is a most health thing, and I guess seeing it as a positive, honesty in your relationship, is the best way to view it.

Secrets have been known to kill a relationship, the pair of you are that much closer with his trust in you. He was tempted but wanted you, I'd be more than happy with that.