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Help!

kiwiboy0897
Community Member

Hi,
I am in need of advice and perspective. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now, and our relationship has been very strong. We both feel a very strong connection between us which we think is rare, and are very serious about staying together. We are monogamous, and we value loyalty and honesty. This is my first real serious relationship. I have struggled with anxiety, depression and PTSD for a very long time. My boyfriend works at a gym as a trainer. He conducts classes with many people simultaneously, kind of like a boot camp. In November last year, there was a new person who signed up. My boyfriend found his social media, and saw that I had liked one of his posts. He asked if I knew him, and I said yes. Him and I had a fling a few years back. One day, as my boyfriend was going in to shower at the gym, and this guy (I will call him Tony) followed him and came onto him by choking him and making sexual remarks. My boyfriend told him to get off, and pushed him out of the room. Eventually, Tony apologised as he hadn't realised my boyfriend was in a relationship. Along the coming months, the two of them developed a friendship. Tony owns a business, and my boyfriend is looking to start a business of his own, so Tony would give him advice on business ideas, etc. They would go for walks after class and discuss this.

One day, Tony admitted to my boyfriend that he had developed feelings for him. My boyfriend responded by confessing he had developed something for him, too. He describes it to me as solely an admiration for his motivation and drive rather than infatuation, falling in love or desire. He told Tony that it sucked this was how he felt, but he told him that in the end, he loves me and nothing would become of this mutual attraction. He has never thought of him in a sexual way, more so just attraction to a personality trait. A few hours after this ordeal, my boyfriend told me what had happened, crying. I consoled him, and we talked about it. He was remorseful, and acknowledges he made a mistake. That was two months ago, and I still can't get it out of my head. The trust has come back, but I still feel hurt. He has completely cut him off. I do not want to leave. I can’t think of how someone who says they are loyal can develop an attraction for someone else, and confess the way they feel to them. When I asked him why he confessed to Tony, he said that it just came out. He didn’t really think about it, and that it was a mistake. Advice?

10 Replies 10

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear kiwiboy0897~

I think you are lucky. You have found someone who works hard, loves you, and is honest and faithful. I don't really think you could ask for more.

OK so you have some lingering doubts that's just human, but they do not sound justified and hopefully will fade in time.

It is a fact of life one forms friendships, some platonic, some with a sexual attraction. It is human nature to be attracted to others, frankly it is what one does about it that shows a person's character and worth.

OK so you had liked Tony in the past. He made a pass at your boyfriend who told him he saw him as a friend but nothing else. Then your boyfriend went and explained it all to you. This shows he values you more than anything else -which is wonderful.

If he explained a a friendship had been developing to Tony it was no more than the truth -a platonic friendship.

My partner has lots of freinds, and I simply trust and feel secure in their love for me. We are both lucky.

Do you think the above is reasonable, or have I missed something?

Croix

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

HI, welcome

I think you have no reason to not trust your partner. I do think he wasn’t firm nor direct enough and that would have caused confusion to Tony.

I think you can move forward with your partner and put it behind you.

TonyWK

Hi Croix,

That does make sense and is very helpful. Thank you for providing me with insight.

I don’t think you missed anything, really. I think I should look at it simply as you have for me to understand it.

Sincerely,

kiwiboy0897

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear kiwiboy0897~

I'm glad it helped, I'm sure things will be OK.

The only other thing I'd like to mention is if it happens to you, that you feel an attraction for another. Just feeling that is no betrayal of your relationship, nothing to blame yourself for. It is only if you go further it is destructive.

You did the right thing in consoling your BF, he would have needed it and now you are both stronger, more understanding and experienced.

Croix

Hi,

Do you think him telling Tony was destructive?

Regards,

kiwiboy0897

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear kiwiboy0897~

No, first I meant if went further it would be destructive to your relationship, and secondly Tony is a human being and should have it explained to him -kindly if possible - that his feelings were not bring returned your your BF. All in all I think it went as well as could be expected all round.

I think all is good.

Croix

Hi,

Thank you for your posts. Much appreciated.

There is one thing I must correct from my original post.

My boyfriend had developed feelings for him. The best way I can describe it is a crush. An admiration crush, or rather a passing and platonic crush and basically admitted this to Tony.

Should I still put it behind us?

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Kiwiboy0897~

You asked "Should I still put it behind us?"

If it was me the answer would be "of course", partners are human

Croix

Hi,

He told me he said to him “I’m falling for you.” Which is difficult for me to accept. Any tips on how I can overcome this?