Help

[Missy580]

Hi guys,

I need some advice.
My ex and I were together for a year and a half and broke up 5 months ago. The connection we had together started to fade and I found that the person he was at the beginning of the relationship also started to fade. When the relationship came to a end we both accepted that the timing wasn’t right for us. In the last 5 months he has frequently contacted me with the “ I miss you” and “ can we talk”. Out of the numerous times, I have each time given him the chance to talk to me and meet up with him. Recently he asked to meet and we both decided to take things slow and see how it goes before getting back together. Then the next day he suddenly changed his mind saying his “confused”. I have been dealing with him coming in and out of my life and getting my hopes up each time. I know this isn’t good for me but why can’t I let go? how can his mind change so suddenly overnight?

[quirkywords]

Missyy580

I can understand how confusing your ex,s behaviour has been since you broke.

When people are unsure they give off mixed messages and they confuse other people.
I think he may of changed his mind overnight because he doesn’t now what he wants so he says let’s get back then later he says no way not now.

Maybe you need to think what you really want as it is very disruptive the way he is behaving.
Take care

[Missy580]

That’s the thing, I know what I want and how he is behaving doesn’t align with my wants. But I find myself holding onto the hope that he will change or become the person he use to be. It’s like I can’t get go of the hope because I still can see the good in him. He contacted me last night saying that his been struggling and his life was so much better when I was in it. I offered him support and then today he messages asking to hang out? Then suddenly tells me his not ready to go in public with me..? It just feels like a game I can’t solve

[geoff]

Hello Missy, being in a situation like this must be rather confusing, but actually, it could provide more clarity for you, because what he says is changed at a later date, so he is unsure what he wants to do and perhaps won't want to do or he doesn’t align with your wants.

Being married for a year and a half, but together for only one year still includes you both in the 'honeymoon' period which is full of romance and plenty of fun, so our natural personality isn't shown, that slowly begins to appear and could be what's happening with him.

This year has been an awkward and strange year for everyone and what's happened could be affecting him, in some way he hasn't discussed with anybody and perhaps some type of mental illness has transpired, so maybe you could ask him before making a decision.

If he declines to mention this, then you can't be promised one idea and then cancelled, but suggest he goes to visit his doctor.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Missy580]

How do I let him go completely without thinking I’m making a mistake?

[Sweesoft]

Hi Missy,
Hope you are well. I miss you sometimes means "I miss how you took care of me" or "I miss me when I was with you." I hope I make sense. Right now, he sounds really confused, and by the looks of it is really focused on himself. It may be hard to let go, but you can't just miss out a lot in life just because you are waiting for a person who isn't even sure what he wants. I say go and enjoy life. Stop thinking about him. Love yourself a bit more. If he really wants you back, it will happen.
Wish you well!

[Missy580]

I want to but in the back of my head I’m constantly thinking “what if”. I also find myself thinking I will never find someone like him or the connection we had in another person.
Each time I say goodbye to him he comes running back but can’t give me anything more than games and confusion

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Missy - relationships are difficult to navigate at times, so I hear you.

If I may share some advice I got from a professional after a break-up, it was to focus on my/yourself, not on the other person. So how did you feel in the relationship? Did it feel good? Did it feel settled? Did you you feel sure? So rather than focus on his qualities or what he's bringing, what do you want?

All the best. Not easy

[Missy580]

It was the best relationship I’ve been in for the first year of us being together. But suddenly this year there was some changes. The reason for breaking up was also blamed on me because in his head I expected him to speak to me all day, when in reality if I didn’t reply to his messages his the one who would send multiple messages and calls to me. I guess that’s all besides the point now. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going to upset me more his constant games and glimpses of hope his giving me or me blocking him and trying to move on. I feel as though when I finally am doing ok and happy within myself he pops back in and destroys my world again

[geoff]

Hello Missy, the amount of happiness depends on the freedom in your heart, and as soon as this happens it's destroyed by him making promises he can't keep or what else he's doing behind your back.

You can't wheel back in a relationship that has no substance, because being together and living happily is different than being apart making statements, that are often changed and then cancelled, won't allow him to catch you when you fall off the ladder, and you can't be afraid of hurting him because he's already made up his mind and having to live with this doesn't allow you to close the door on him.

How do I let him go completely without thinking I’m making a mistake, well your instincts, knowledge of knowing what's most likely going to happen aren't any mistake at all, and any hope gets you stuck in the past and from loving once again.

Now is your time to lose contact because if you don't he's only going to be tugging on that fishing line, trying to tempt you into believing you'll reel him in, don't be constantly caught into this trap, and if you need to change your sim card, address (which maybe more difficult), never the less, you want to love someone else and non of this is your fault.

Best wishes.

Geoff.