Help with physical/emotional abuse!

[Cheym]

Hi everyone, a few days ago my partner of 10 months hit me for the first time. I brought up something mundane about a girl (we had been drinking) and he lost it. I suffer pretty bad depression and anxiety alongside extreme self esteem issues. I do absolutely everything for him, we are normally pretty good this has never happened before. He started sending me unforgiving, personal and distressing words over text.

he also told me he cheated on me, when in fact he never did. But all these things he said were insecurities I had that I told him about. I suffer extreme low self esteem, depression and he knows nearly everything I’m insecure about and just threw it in my face. Then all he could say was he was so so sorry. He also physically hurt me in a public place and put me In a headlock and a witness called the police and now we have this unnecessary drama on top on the emotional implications. Now he’s extremely sorry about it, saying I didn’t deserve it and then everything has just gone back to normal. Which is loving and he tells me I’m his world. But he has no explanation as to why he said any of it?? My mental state is in extreme hurt and sadness and I don’t know to do because he’s blaming himself but not doing anything to actually make it better? How does it get better? I don’t know if it will happen again but why would I ever want to tell him anything ever if it’s going to be thrown in my face? Help please

[sister moon]

Hi Cheym,

I am sorry to hear you are in such a distressing situation.

I don't have time to write much but I think that talking to an advice line would be a really good step. 1800 respect are great, you do not have to give any details about who you are. You can talk things out with them. They understand the complexities of these situations.

Best of luck

sistermoon

[Summer Rose]

Hi Cheym

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story. I can't even imagine how hurt and distressed you must be feeling right now.

Your boyfriend certainly behaved very badly towards you. No one deserves to be treated the way he treated you. No one.

I believe he said those things specifically to hurt you. He knows your vulnerabilities and he purposely used them against you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I really am, but I suspect that somewhere deep down you know this too.

The fact that the physical assault took place in public is really concerning, and I worry what he might do in private behind closed doors. I am really concerned for your health, wellbeing and safety.

It is never ok for a man to hit a woman. Period. No excuses.

I would like to encourage you to visit your GP to discuss your mental health. It's really important that your mental health conditions don't spiral as a result of the violence and abuse. Your GP would also be an excellent person to discuss the entire matter with, as he/she can connect you with appropriate local support services.

I really encourage you to inform yourself about domestic violence and develop a plan to keep yourself safe.

Kind thoughts to you

[Evie82]

Hi I'm sorry that you have been treated so poorly... As you have already been advised this is not acceptable behaviour. Unfortunately my advice is directly coming from personal experience... This is how it starts, these are the red flags. There is NEVER an excuse to physically hurt someone. It has only been 10 months don't let this become the cycle you live. I would strongly suggest that you end your relationship. I know that will be hard to hear but make a stand. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. I agree that you should speak to your GP. Be kind to yourself and be safe xx

[Cheym]

Thanks for your reply Evie. I know I keep telling myself that but all he keeps saying is I love you/ that I’m so amazing and he thinks I’m incredible etc. but there’s no effort to show that? He’s words don’t mean anything. Am I just over reacting because it’s only happened once?? I feel insane. I went to gp and have a psych appointment too. Xx

[Evie82]

I'm so glad you have taken the first steps to speaking with your Dr and have the insight to see that you need support. You are definitely not insane I promise! It's really painful to face that someone you love can hurt you so much emotionally and physically. This is what makes Domestic violence such a complex issue. Your partner is not taking responsibility for his actions. His purely trying to manipulate you and he is acting out of his insecurities to reel you back in with all the I love yous etc. Don't let him minimise his actions. Be strong and listen to your gut. Could you take a break? Take some time to breathe... It might be helpful Xx

[geoff]

Hi Cheym, thanks for posting your comment.

Sometimes words don’t mean anything because he can say whatever he wants, but showing his love and appreciation means more than anything.

It's certainly a worry that this relationship has only been going for 10 months and violence has raised its head, this isn't acceptable and whether he has been diagnosed by a doctor would be a good idea.

Love can only be stretched so far, but what you don't need is to have a partner who is physically harmful, apologies but doesn't seem to be genuine.

Best wishes.

Geoff.