Help please with first date

[Elsam]

I met a wonderful guy and fell in love with him at first sight when I saw him on an online dating site, I am totally smitten with this man.

Our first date was a dinner date at a beautiful restaurant and after dinner he invited me back to his place.

He got the red wine out and then we became intimate and I spent the night with him.

He sent me a video during the week and we had a couple of messages between us, then stupid me sent this message this afternoon.

Hope you are well
and had a nice weekend...
I can’t help but feel you were trying to tell me something through the Swiss video?
I feel so disappointed, as we had so much in common and could have a great time together.
I think you were great, I respect you and wanted to get to know you as a friend...
Mary xx

I have been having huge anxiety attacks over this, he replied this evening:

Sorry been really busy, and wrapping up things before I leave. No, there wasn't a "hidden" message in the video, I wouldn't do that. Things went very fast during our first rendez-vous and thats unlike me tho!
Hope you had a nice weekend and no Monday Blues today!

How do I reply to this message from him without scaring him off, but at the same time I want to tell him I am attracted to him and would love to see him again.

This whole dating game is new to me as I was married for 25 years

Thank you in advance

[Juliet_84]

Dear Elsam,

I am worried that you are projecting onto this man because you want a relationship so badly. In reality it seems that he is giving you very little. The fact that he responds to your messages “24-48 hours later”, particularly when you have seen him online, is not a good sign. He is in hotel quarantine at the moment so he is literally being held captive and his messages are still erratic?? Do you have conversations on the phone each day? Or is it just the odd random photo? I don’t know, if it was me I would put a stop to this time wasting or you could find yourself 6 months down the track and still holding out for the odd random text. If a man wants to be in your life he will make an effort, he will see you (even if he is busy; obviously not now but he could have before he went away), he will call you each day and want to know how your day was, he will text you and be in constant contact, particularly in the early stages when he should be interested in finding out about you. You seem hopeful that he will change, so I think you know this is not enough also. But the reality is if someone can’t be on their best behaviour when you first meet them, then it doesn’t bode well for the future. I’m sorry as I know this must be upsetting for you, but I do hope that you invest more time in finding someone who will give you the relationship you crave

[Hanna3]

Hi Elsam,

You've mentioned you are divorced after quite a long marriage I think. I don't know what family you have or if you work or what friends you have.

Please forgive me if I am wrong, but I wonder if you are lonely and perhaps don't have much of a support network to help you? I know after a divorce many people find they lose some friends and it must be a huge adjustment anyway. I'm not sure how long you have been on your own?

It must be so difficult to put yourself out there and go onto dating sites and try to meet someone. And you've met someone you are smitten with and he isn't treating you as you had hoped and expected - and had the right to hope and expect.

I don't know if you've heard from him in the last couple of days since you posted but I think he has not behaved in the way you deserve.

You sound like a lovely caring person and you deserve someone who treats you well and values you and is kind and makes you happy, someone who gives you love and appreciation.

Please don't forget how worthwhile you are. Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you as you deserve to be treated! You shouldn't have to be wondering if he cares for you, you should know he does!

I agree with Juliet that this man doesn't seem to be treating you as a priority in his life. You deserve better.

Find someone who truly values you. There will be someone out there for you.

Hugs! 💖

[Hanna3]

Hi Elsam

I don't know if you come by here still but I wanted you to know that we're here if you want to talk at all. I hope you are OK. Best wishes. 🙂🌼🥀

[Elsam]

Hi @Hanna3

Thank you for the lovely message, really appreciate your kind thoughts.

To be honest the last couple of messages caused me a lot of anxiety when I already worry and have anxiety/panic attacks, it  didn’t help my situation at all but I am ok now.

Yes I left my husband of 25 yrs 12 months ago and am now divorced.

This amazing man that I am so smitten with is now back in Australia but is on hotel quarantine for another few days.

This whole lockdown is really getting to me as I am alone and working from home and cannot have visitors.

He has been in constant contact with me since he has returned which is great.
He still seems to be very interested which I am so so happy about.

He has been communicating a lot more and keeping in contact every day which is so exciting!

He has really come out of his shell and opened up a lot with his comments and feelings since he has come back and has been saying the most amazing things and giving me lovely compliments.

I am still trying to play it very cool with him as do not want to scare him off as he seems to be being a little cautious as he come out of a 20 year marriage as well.

He is going to be released from quarantine and then we are both in lockdown and still will not be able to see each other.

He has kept in contact since April and while he was overseas for 6 weeks so I don’t see why he would drift away now just because we are in lockdown.

I dropped the hint while he was away “I can’t wait to see you again” just to let him know I am interested.

He even commented on one of my photos and said:

I love this!!

So I replied about one of his photos and said: I love this photo of you!

I am so excited, I am on cloud 9

There is such a spark and so much of an attraction between us, I can feel it and I think he can too but I think we are both being a little cautious and holding back for fear of getting hurt.

I don’t think he would go to all this effort if he was not going to see me again.

I would love to hear your opinions now!

Kind regards 😍

[Hanna3]

Hi Elsam

Well that's good. I hope he's talking with you and not just texting. Perhaps you can use the time in lock down to get to know each other better. You sound brighter. Good luck with everything!

[Elsam]

Hi Hannah3

Thank you, yes we are getting to know each other more and he is opening up and relaxing more everyday and making me laugh which is fun!

Now lockdown has been extended another 4 weeks that we are not able to meet up which is painful.

Kind regards

[Elsam]

Hi @Juliet_84

I did not say I wanted a relationship so badly, is it too much to ask after a 25 yr relationship/marriage of DV to be happy?

You say he is giving me very little, we only met at the beginning of May and are still getting to know each other as we have both come out of long marriages, it is unreasonable to ask for anymore from him at this stage while we are still getting to know each other.

He was responding 24-48 hours later because of the time difference and he was with his family so I was considering that.

I don’t understand your reasoning! He is still in hotel quarantine at the moment so he is literally being held captive and his messages have not been erratic at all since he had been back.

Who says he is wasting my time ? I have to be fair as we are still getting to know each other or is this not right in your world?

You say if a man wants to be in your life he will make an effort, he will see you (even if he is busy; obviously not now but he could have before he went away), he will call you each day and want to know how your day was, he will text you and be in constant contact, particularly in the early stages when he should be interested in finding out about you.

Who says he is not doing all of the above??

Your comments have been quite upsetting when I already suffer from anxiety!!!

You seem hopeful that he will change, so I think you know this is not enough also.

How can I expect him to change when this is only a new friendship/relationship???

I am very happy with the way things are going with him at the moment and I will not invest more time in finding someone who will give you the relationship I crave!!

Firstly, I do not want to rush into anything and I feel he doesn’t either which is to be expected in any new relationship

Why can’t I enjoy the fun and excitement of getting to know this man.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Elsam,

Please accept my apologies, I did not intend my message to be taken as an attack, which is how it seems to have been taken. I try and just give advice here that I would give to my friends and loved ones, where I try and be honest about my interpretation of a situation rather than just telling them what they want to hear, which may feel nice but ultimately doesn’t help the person in the long run.

As someone who was in a domestic violence relationship for over a decade, of course I want you to be happy after your previous marriage. But I just wanted you to make sure that you were investing your time in someone who would make you happy. From your response, you seem to be happy with the situation and I’m sorry that I got the impression that you weren’t from your previous messages, but that’s all I had to go to off. I wish you all the best with it.

[Hanna3]

Hi Elsam

You were sounding very distressed and worried when you posted earlier because you weren't hearing back from this man. Others here such as Juliet and myself and others were trying to support you.

We can only go on what we read here.

People who responded to you were trying their best to help you at the time.

I hope everything goes well for you. All the best.

[Guest_206]

Hi Elsam,

I've come upon your post and I have to admit I'm a bit concerned for your wellbeing too. I totally want for you to find happiness, and its good to hear you're enjoying the fun and excitement when it's there, but I think there are some things that maybe you aren't aware of about online dating? I'm starting to do online dating too and it is a whole other world and it is very easy to completely fall for someone before you really know them or their situation. This can leave us very vulnerable which can be detrimental for our mental health. It's a bit of an emotional roller coaster really!

I don't want to scare you or anything, but are you aware that in the early stages of dating it's normal for people to multi-date? So your guy could very well be speaking with other people too. Unless you've had the exclusivity conversation, you should presume people are multi-dating.

Again, I'm not saying this to make you anxious or upset, but to give you the information you should have about the platform you've engaged with to meet with him, so that you have the resources to guide your decisions.

I hope you're getting from him what you want and need at this stage, and remember, everyone wants the best outcome for you, even if it doesn't always feel like that.

Xg