Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[emotionallydrained]

I haven't been back in a while. I honestly don't know what to write or say. I've been trying to move on as it seems the abusive behaviour for the most part has stopped. He even went as far as to apologise and said what he did all those times was wrong because a chat with someone showed him that he'd been in the wrong. It took me by surprise as it was out of the blue. This is usually what every wife wants to hear, but for some reason I can't move on.

There's still the controlling behaviours there like limiting behaviours or actions or events that could put us at risk of getting sick - but that's justified under his MI condition. When I do try and bring up things that are still bothering me, I do get met with responses that somehow make me close up again. I don't feel I can have open communication most the time unless it's what he wants to hear. This could also just be my perception. I'm still protective and defensive of myself. I guess I'm still hurting.

I keep having thoughts of being alone and how much I just want to be alone so I can make my own decisions without having to worry about what it could mean. But every time I've been asked if I still love him or there's been a fight and he's threatened to leave, I've either said I do still love him or I've fought to stay. As soon as the carrot is there, I can't take it. Maybe deep down I don't want to? But looking into my heart, it doesn't feel anything. Will this return? Can I get back the initial love and move on or am I too scarred? Is it me now blocking having a happy family again? I feel like I'm now the one doing the hurting and I'm definitely the one causing the issues. I have forgiven but I still can't forget enough to move on.

What do I do? Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do? I'm just numb to it all now.

[815]

Hi ED,

I am glad to hear that the abusive behaviour has stopped for the most part. This is a big thing.

I am said to hear though, that this does not make you happy.

"I'm still protective and defensive of myself. I guess I'm still hurting."
This line - it pulls at my heartstrings so much ED. I know you have been following my updates and our progress. But I still feel this. However for me, as time goes on, I feel my defenses lowering, I feel the hurt starting to heal. But I am still cautious. So I understand a little of how you feel.

I don't know that there is much I can advise for you. But have you thought about speaking someone for yourself, to talk through your own issues? I know we have mentioned this before, but even a visit to your GP to start with? And maybe, I don't know if this is something you've already considered, but perhaps relationship counselling together? Just some thoughts from my own experience I guess.

Just know that we are all here for you in whatever way we can be on the forums. Please take care.

[ecomama]

Hey ED

It's totally understandable you feel this way.
It's like you've got your successful (to a point) protective mechanisms in place and bec his behaviours ARE still there, even though diminished somewhat, you're still protecting yourself.

You can only do this for X long until you need to become numb to it all.

Yes I've been in similar but found out some really heavy stuff and ended the marriage.
It was my "reasons for escape" and then I kept on finding out worse and more over time over how much he'd infiltrated my personal accounts etc.

For years I felt the "marriage" was in limbo.
Maybe well over a decade but thinking back it was ALWAYS like this.
He just used manipulation stuff to draw me back in.

But I never felt truly "connected" to him.
There was sex but zero intimacy.
I thought it would grow over the years.
But his MIs will always prevent this for him.

It's going to be difficult for you to feel you can trust him again.
I don't see the point either bec he keeps doing his things and simply doesn't see the point of changing his behaviours towards you.
He's using his MIs as an excuse, we both know that. He probably does too!

Another sad thing is to see your unhappiness still.

I feel that beautiful freedom now that the "marriage" is over and done with.
I'm still getting used to moving about the home without judgement or criticism, but I'm thinking of exHs words less and less, sometimes weeks between now, yay.

As your child becomes older... you may see a way to get out, even if you had marriage Counselling now, and H and you stayed with it for a long while, I'm still not sure if your feelings would return.
They might but if he won't come to the party with Counselling, well IDK.

Counselling doesn't guarantee a FIX in a damaged marriage anyway but it CAN help!

Bestest wishes
Love EM

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you 815 and EM.

Your support and always being there with a response means so much. I honestly feel I can't talk to anyone else.

I've spoken to the support lines a couple of times but only to get clarification on what was happening. I can't physically go to a Dr because of his issue with me putting myself at risk (of getting sick) when I don't need to. I could do online and then get a referral for an online person - but he's already said we don't have the $$. I manage the finances and we could make it work. I don't know if I can do it at no cost?

But a recent incident has shown me what he sees and how he truly believes I'm not really a victim and what he's done is "not as bad as other DV victims". We had another fight where I tried to take back a little bit of control over something pretty small. I've been reading a lot and it says how you need to set boundaries (I know you all know this lol) and create rules and instances where you don't back down so you can show that you have rights and boundaries too. I did this and was met with aggression (he did have a tough week at work and was stressed, so maybe I shouldn't have pushed the issue) to the point where he slammed the car door and stormed off toward the shops we were going to. He threatened to do something that would kill or severely injure himself! I was the one who then had to retreat and talk him back to the car. It took 30 minutes of talking and me trying to then explain myself but eventually backing down.
The part that really got to me was when I said about being a DV victim and being mentally and emotionally scarred still and trying to pick myself back up again ALONE because I had no one to talk to, I felt all he did was put it down and dismiss it. He has a big thing about people "playing the victim card" and victim mentality, so he assumes that I am in that crowd - when I'm not. I try to play it down if anything. I didn't even think of myself as a victim until I sought help. But physical, emotional and verbal abuse is DV. But because I have control over our finances and he lets me see my family, he's not like "all the others". I said there were varying levels and you don't have to tick every box for it to be DV.

But in short, I apparently need to forgive because I haven't moved on and gotten over it and still causing an issue from last year! I said I had forgiven because I was still here, but I am still hurt and emotionally and mentally affected...

[Sophie_M]

Hi emotionallydrained,

It's great to see that you've made some valuable connections here in the community. We're so sorry that your partner has been so dismissive and aggressive. Please know that your experience is valid, you are not 'playing the victim card'. It makes perfect sense that you are still hurting and affected by trauma. Aggressive, manipulative behaviour is not healthy, and you deserve to be treated with care and respect.

We'd recommend that you get in touch with 1800RESPECT to talk this over. The counsellors are lovely and can give you some support and advice. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Please know you can reach out here anytime you feel up to it. 

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you Sophie. I will give them a call when I can because I do need to speak to someone about that incident and get some advice.

[Juliet_84]

Hi emotionallydrained,

As someone who was once in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship myself, I hear a lot of myself in you. Your husband seems very comfortable in using his illness as a means of controlling and keeping you in line, and the focus always seems to be on his needs. Can I ask, what is he actually doing about his illness? Is he seeing a specialist or receiving treatment with the view of taking meaningful steps at getting better? The reason that I ask is that most (almost all) people with an illness, be it physical or mental need to see a specialist, take medications and steps to manage their illness. Whereas I almost feel as if he is making it so you just need to accommodate his every request, and if you don’t then you are blamed for not being understanding of his illness while he does nothing about it. Another thing that I l noticed in you post is that seem to not trust yourself, as though you are seeking validation from him that this is abuse and that he will confirm your perception. In my experience, this is something that is unlikely to happen. Even when faced with irrefutable evidence, such as physical violence, my partner would deny and duck and weave and gaslight and minimize and question my recollection of events, as if we have some reason to distort the truth and aren’t devastated by it all. But it’s very common for domestic violence perpetrators to minimize, deny or explain away their behavior, which is why individual counseling is so ineffective and group counseling is preferred where other members challenge their behaviors. My point being, you don’t need to question yourself, listen to your gut, if it doesn’t feel right then it usually isn’t. You don’t need someone else to validate your experience for it to be real. I hope I haven’t overstepped the mark, but I can hear the uncertainty in your voice and I am hoping that I may at least be able to offer some clarity on some things based on my experience.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Juliet,

Thank you. You haven't overstepped at all and I didn't think of it like that and didn't realise they don't see it that way. I appreciate your comments and taking the time to speak to me.

I agree with the counselling and do think that a place where we can be challenged by a third party and he can hear it from someone else how I am feeling would be of benefit. I just don't think he will go. In fact, I know he won't. When I have tried to bring it up he says we don't need to, you just need to stop being nasty and looking for a fight all the time. He says he can't change the past but acknowledges it was wrong. I now he's just referring to the physical side of it and he doesn't believe he emotionally abuses me or restricts me.

He believes I just don't support his illness enough and try and belittle it or make fun of it when I try and question something or try and push the boundaries a little to where I think they should be. His fear is always an overriding factor and I know it's always worse when those fears are challenged or he's stressed. When he's comfortable, all is ok and he's a great guy.

He was seeking help, but he's had several people and been on medications before (for depression not the anxiety) and they've not helped he said. They've made him feel worse. He's a tough person and managed on his own. To his credit, he's done pretty well and no one really knows he has an issue outside of family, but that's because I do enable a lot of the things that could present an issue (like an event) and make them easier for him by either not going or by taking measures to make it safer.

You're right about the uncertainty, because when I try to talk about it, I'm met with it's my fault because I try and look for a fight and I'm using his illness against him.

[Guest_1643]

hey there 🙂

i relate to a lot of what ur going through

i wander if this is a common stance ppl take who don't want to take accountability for their behaviour - a real anger at those who they see as "playing the victim"

my family say that a lot - they don't like ppl who are victims and think everyone needs to pull their boot straps up or whatever and just get on with it and be tough

i wander if in ur case (and mine too) you aren't playing the victim and no one he's saying is doing that truly is, it's just a classic gas-light, to make u doubt if you're being oversensitive.
Having emotions is human. When told by someone else that yours are "too much" and "not warrented" it can be pretty harmful and damaging. Getting in touch with ur feelings may be helpful - it can be anger, sadness etc...
I sometimes allow time to cry in the shower. It was scary at first, but after a while it became a healthy way to feel.

I'm pro-feeling. Yes to feeling. Let the feelings out. And I think trying to stop someone from feeling or expressing any feelings can be very damaging.
I hope u are okay and am concerned for you. It doesn't sound like a very safe relationship.

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you 🙂 I'm sorry to hear you've had battles as well. xx

I too allow myself time to cry in the shower. It's a release and then I put my big girl pants on face the day. I have had a gift of being able to forgive and forget a lot of things easily and I've now taken to writing events down as they happen because I do forget them. It was a blessing at first because I was also able to move on quickly and not let myself be hurt. But then I realised I was allowing the cycle to continue and it was actually affecting me - taking a small piece each time. Now I'm more aware of it, I think that is what is causing the problems becuase I am more combative back and I am almost the non caring wife now because I've become so immune to it all.

He thinks because I'm not the scared wife that I'm not a victim. If I was truly scared I wouldn't fight back or "cause arguments". I'm not a confrontational person but I am someone who defends themselves - moreso now than I ever did because I've become conditioned to being attacked - whether deliberately or subconsciously. My reaction is to withdraw and I do. I am quiet a lot of the time and don't really initiate the conversation. It's lucky because most the time we talk about his work or events of the day.

I know I'm making him out a monster, and he's not most the time. His illness has allowed fear, anger and stress to manifest and it's controlling. He has dealt with a lot of people in his life who are genuinely playing a victim when they are infact the perpetrators, so I can see why he's jaded with that. But I know I'm not and that's what hurts too.