Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[emotionallydrained]

I don't even know where to start. I'm so low right now. I try and pick myself up but every time is getting harder and harder. I've mentioned before how lately I've been struggling with my business and working and keeping people happy. I failed yesterday and lost a customer and a lot of money just before Christmas. Money I couldn't afford to lose as a self employed person. Money for our family. The customer berated me first before saying how I'd let them down. I actually hadn't in this case and what they claimed was outside the scope of my services, but anyway, it's all mute now - not looking for business advice. My husband "helped" me with the situation as I spoke to him about it for advice as well as I guess seeking a little reassurance or just calming words as I was gutted, angry and disappointed. I was also upset because so much has been building and as you know, I've struggled a lot the last 18 months.

I got the help I needed on what to say to this person but I also got the don't cry it doesn't solve anything and it's not very adult. And I also got how I need to streamline processes more and not let this happen. Ok, that's all fine too - I know I need to do that. But what I didn't get was a hug, a comment to say it'll be ok or even a reassurance you're doing a great job don't let someone like this beat you down. Am I asking too much? Am I honestly being a sook or expecting too much? I know I was partly to blame, but I didn't need to be told that at that moment.

I read a post about the difference between feeling tired as a healthy person and feeling tired as a person with depression. I met all the tired as a depressed person. I sleep and it's never enough. I could sleep more. Everything is a struggle, a fog and I honestly don't remember the last time I had a clear mind or was able to function like I used to.

[emotionallydrained]

Is depression the same as being a toxic person? I was compared to a toxic person today because I'm never happy, I cause arguments and don't take feedback on board. In my mind there's only so much feedback you can take on board before you feel a little attacked and go into defence mode. I know I'm in defence mode and I know I'm probably showing the traits of a toxic person. How do you pick yourself up when you know there's no one close to you to give you a hug and tell you it'll be ok. I've said so many times I'm struggling, but nothing comes back except more things to do to "fix" my problems. I don't need more things to do, I need a break from life so I can get the energy and mindset to do said things. How do I do that?

[ecomama]

Yeah a difficult situation.

Here's the HUG and it will be okay.

No, you know you're not a toxic person. But you also know you're under alot of pressure to BE perfect (from H) - which is impossible. Also to not react as any human being would when losing a customer.

You ARE allowed to act normally.

H is abusive. You are defending yourself. That's all. As you should.

It's no wonder you're feeling depressed.

Are you seeing anyone for depression?
IE have you spoken with your GP?
Or a Counsellor?

EM

[815]

Hi emotionallydrained,

I just wanted to write here because you have provided me so much support on my situation.

I don't really have much advice, but I wanted to say that you should not doubt yourself.

Everyone deserves a hug, a kind and reassuring word - even if they are wrong.

I don't think it's too much to expect at all.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi EM,

Thank you for your continued support. I go on so many rollercoaster rides I have no idea what to think most times. Things will be ok and I think to myself I can do this. Then something will happen or we'll have a conversation that focuses all on his feelings and wants and nothing on mine. Sometimes I think how could he not know me after all these years and know what makes me tick and what makes me happy. In short, the things I enjoy are the things that challenges his issues the most, so I have to compromise on them.

In answer to your question, no I'm not seeing or speaking to anyone. I've called 1800respect once and BB once to talk over some things, but I'm too scared to initiate any counselling. I read the Mark247 thread and I'm even more scared to make anything official or public. I'm so non confrontational most of the time unless I've been triggered and I'm very private and stress about sharing too much with people. I speak to my best friend who is a great ear and good with advice and support. Part of me just thinks it'll be better if he's initiated a split because he's controlled the decision and I'll give no resistance this time. But I honestly don't know what to do.

I know there's a situation coming up in a few weeks that has the potential to flair things up which is stressing me. It's a situation I should be so happy about but it's being taken away from me again because of his need to control situations. All I want is to be able to be happy and be able to be me, but I don't think that can happen while we're together. It's just a matter of how much more I'm willing to compromise and whether I just let go of who I want to be and live with who I am.

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you 815 for your continued support as well. I appreciate it so much and love coming back to read these posts when I'm feeling most confused or down.

I've read your update and I'm so sorry for all you're going through as well. I hope that you can get to talk about your feelings in your sessions soon as I do think that H needs to hear that you are hurting more than maybe he realises.

Thanks so much again 🙂

[815]

Hi emotionallydrained,

I can see how hard this situation is on you. I have read your response to ecomama about seeking help for yourself. I would urge you just to consider even just speaking to your GP initially about your situation. I have a couple of trusted friends, my mum, and my SIL who all know the situation. And they are an amazing support to me.

I know how daunting that initial step is, of booking that appointment and actually going. I did it initially, to find ways to support my husband. But in the end, I've realised that I need support for myself (so that I can support my husband my kids through this). And I would not be able to have done any of the things that I've managed to do in the past couple of months had I not gone to that initial appointment with my GP.

Just something for you to think about.

And also, thanks again for your continued support and keeping up with my updates. It's nice to know that there are people out there who care enough to read what I'm going through.

[ecomama]

Hi emotionallydrained (and a wave to 815) - hugs all around.

I don't think your H will ever initiate a divorce. He enjoys the control too much and uses your child to control you even further.

You know there's only so much of this you can take, hence you feeling so emotionally drained all the time.

It's not a "compromise" of completely giving up who you are - it's total surrender.
Compromise would be in a healthy relationship.
Both people compromise.

I feel suffocated remembering my last marriage as he owned every part of me, my life, my earnings, my thoughts, he even belittled my facial expressions.
He criticised my dreams... I didn't share my REAL dreams, I mean my sleeping dreams where he heard me talking in my sleep.
Then criticised those words.

Now I can BREATHE.

But the battle took many years in Courts. During those years I can still say that he owned me via legal puppetry.

My situation even now is bec of his actions for many years.

But I have what I have and my kids and I are safe.
I am free to make my own decisions, seek counselling, use my accounts with little concern he can breach them now.

Though the experiences of all those years of abuse has changed me.

Regardless of this I would get him out of our lives in a heartbeat all over again if I had to.

I have NEVER, not for a nano second, regretted ending that "marriage".
It was the BEST decision I have ever made.

And I Pray for the strength for you to see a way to your own freedoms.

Lots of love to you both (all)
EM

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you EM and 815. I'm sorry I've been slow in replying - I just don't know what to say or even write or feel anymore.

I'm beginning to think it is me a bit. We had a nice Christmas just the 3 of us (border closures etc.) and some good home time. No real major incidents which is great and I am grateful for, but I'm still not happy because I feel I'm still being taken for granted and even if I say something I must never articulate it properly as it goes no where and nothing changes. I must just come across as a whinger or something.

I wake up some mornings and it's such a struggle to get out of bed. But I have to because they both need breakfast making. H never makes any of the meals or coffees - it's always me. It's these little things that drain me. The knowing that every day for the rest of my life I am the one who is going to have to be the coffee and dinner maker. I read 815 that your husband made you a coffee and brought you a donut to your study despite all your going through. That is so lovely and I honestly can't remember the last time I had that. But I try and say something or say I need a bit back and I get "you know why I don't do it" or "is it that big a deal" or just "why are you trying to make trouble". I know why he doesn't do it, but I NEED him to do it, especially when I'm now the one who needs some support back. I work from home and it's me myself and I. I have to self motivate everyday and I'm struggling.

As for the GP visit, I can't do that. I'd have to be near on dead to be able to physically visit a GP. His saying is "if there's nothing wrong why do you need to go" He's germophobic so GP's are the height of germs and most risky. Apparently that's reasonable. 😞 I can do an online I guess. I just keep hoping that I'll magically be happy again and back to my old self... but that old self was so long ago now. It's been 10 years of losing myself and I don't even know what would make me happy anymore. If you asked me what my interests were I don't think I could really answer it.

Sometimes I do think it's in my mind and mindset but there's not much feeling in my heart either and sometimes it's even numb if that makes any sense. I used to be pretty extrovert and quite a chatter box, but now I am introvert and find it hard to even start a conversation. I guess deep down I'm struggling to forgive the actions of the past. He's trying and no big incidents or anger outbursts prove that, but it's still not enough and I don't know what to do.

[815]

Hi ED,

Just saw your post here after asking on my thread how you're doing.

My husband and I seem very early on in the mental illness journey and it has already been very difficult for our family. I cannot even imagine the struggle of having to deal with this for as long as you have. So I admire your strength for putting up with it all.

I really don't know what advice I can give you. I guess it is a very difficult situation you are in. But your happiness, and that of your child is important - so I think your choices should be based on that.

Take care.