Help! Cheated on by my husband

[Beck07]

I found out my husband of 3.5 years (been together for 10 years prior and have 3 children together) cheated on me a year and a half later after it had happened. I received a msg from the girl my husband had cheated on me with 4 days after giving birth to my daughter. I was devastated! Trying to deal with the birth of my daughter plus hearing about my husbands unfaithful ways. He said he did it because he was hanging around his mates who have been unfaithful with there partners and it starting rubbing off on him. It’s totally out of character for him to do this to me. The relations with the other girl was not an emotional relationship it was more of a physical relationship. He had no feelings for her. I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it when it had happened in which he replied he was scared to tell me as he feared I would leave. I feel his genuinely remorseful, genuinely sorry and genuinely hurt that he has hurt me so badly. He doesn’t want our marriage to end and me to take our kids an leave. But at the same time I just can’t get passed the fact that he has cheated on me and has broken everything we have built including my heart. Looking for any advice as I’m torn. I don’t know what to do?!?

[SaltySally]

My husband did the same we have 3 kids and slept with a girl from work it all started when my 3rd child was 3 weeks old. I found out over a year ago when my youngest was 2. I have stayed with him and it's very hard I'm now suffering with anxiety and know he is a good guy and made a mistake but not sure if I love him anymore. I'm not leaving due to the kids but it's a terrible situation. We get along most of the time and are both trying to make it work but I don't think I will ever get over it.

[quirkywords]

welcome Beck07 and SaltySally to the forum. This a friendly and supportive place.

Both of you are trying to cope with a huge shock that may have long term consequences.

Beck07

Do you need to ask questions of your husband that you may need answers to?

Can you talk about how you feel about the cheating to your husband as it can bring up many feelings, fears, and insecurities.

Have you explained to your husband how your heart is broken and how you feel he has broken everything you have built.?

Or do you find it hard to communicate your emotions?

If you can if you want to work towards forgiveness but you have to decide what you want.

Couples therapy will help you communicate with each other in a protective environment, where you can both be clear about your feelings and what may have caused this painful breaking of trust, so you can figure out together what to do next.

SaltySally

I am wondering if you have tried couples counselling or would you consider.

It is a very emotional topic and difficult when you feel confused about what to do when you are still hurting so much.Thank you both for writing your posts.

Take care

Quirky

[Mickeybelle]

Hi Beck,

I came here tonight looking for someone who understnads how I feel. I'm sorry I found you. I wish I could be the only one who felt this, like you do. Like I do.

I want to tell you it will be ok. You are strong and you will get through this. I hope you know that.

Admist my termoil and saddness, and me trying to seek help without actually telling people what happened (as I dont want to tarnish his good name) I was upset because Id missed a few days of work, due to not being able to pull myself together - therefore my colleagues were working like Trojans to do my share. A friend hugged me and said, "You're worth it"

So let me say to you, "You're worth it too" It wasnt really about my work colleagues covering for me. It was about me suddenly feeling worthless and the life I had build, felt worthless.

This is not the case. We are worth it. We are worth something. I can't be the pond scum I sometimes believe myself to be. I am a mother, sister, colleague and friend. And this can't and won't take that away from me.

I'm not sure I helped you. But you have helped me remember what a friend told me, as I cried. We are worth more than this. I am worth more than my saddness and so are you.

Take care.

Mickey

[Beck07]

How do married couples get through this? I’ve read that married couples can get through affairs and even come out stronger than what they were before. How does that happen? I don’t know if I will ever get to that point..

[Mel-ancholy]

Once a cheat always a cheat....

[Busymum]

I haven't had this experience but I know of quite a few friends who have been through it. One of my close friends is currently going through it and she suffers anxiety, the other friend who went through it recently is a "friend of a friend".

I was always a big believer in "leaving the relationship" and I've since seen a different side and realised that there is no "right or wrong decision". I absolute believe in faithfulness and don't condone it but I realised that people have a right to make their own choices and I actually am starting to understand the reason for staying.....to me that doesn't sound right (because of my beliefs) but I think I'm trying to educate myself to be more understanding of why people do what they do regardless of my beliefs.

The one who is staying is staying because she wants to exhaust all avenues of trying to make her marriage work. Her husband is very sorry, he is trying very hard to win her trust back, is attending counselling, she has full access to his phone etc. She picks up his phone/computer at any time and checks it and he is patient and understanding of this. He has said that until she trusts him again he knows that his communication with everyone will be an "open book". He wants to work on his marriage. It is not perfect, she feels "stupid" for staying and is so very hurt but is choosing to try, she also said she worries about what other people think of her for staying. It was then I realised that judging someone for making this decision is not helpful to anyone especially not them.

My other friend left, she is going through the ups and downs of the end of a relationship. She is sorry for ever "bringing it up" with him because she is devastated that the relationship ended so much so that she is blaming herself for even discussing it. He on the other hand doesn't care, he wants to leave the relationship.

I think everyone's choice is personal but if you decide to stay then you need to work on re-building the relationship and make sure that he's on the same page. Work out what you need to be able to trust him (phone access etc) and talk to him about it. If he truly wants to work on it then work out if that's what you want and move forward.

[Pineapple75]

I found out my partner of 10 years/2 kids had been cheating. I had a feeling I couldn't shake. When I questioned him he "confessed" what turned out to be minimised half-truths. Just a kiss, just once.
He was definitely not what I thought the cheating type would be...the complete opposite. I still felt something wasn't right (looking back it was his body language, tone etc when he was confessing). Found messages/photos on the computer confirming an affair over 4 years with another married mum from the time my youngest was newborn. Needless to say, I left..

Could your inability to get past this somehow be because you sense there is more to it that you havent uncovered? Do you need to ask more questions?