Hello and Welcome to my Nightmare

[DamienD]

Hi.

im a very seriously disturbed dysfunctional person. On the outside I appear normal but Im not.

I have an extreme love addiction and sex addiction. I have anxiety, my doctor says depression too but I dont feel depressed. He says I have suicidal ideation but I think thats just me trying to find a way, any way, out of my mind. The thoughts do pop up but my mind is constantly in an automatic revolving pattern of seeking solutions, analysing them and dismissing them so Im not suicidal just desperate.

i pretty much crave intimacy with females, not necessarily love, faux love will do, physical intimacy works too but only if it might lead to the above.

Right now Im in hell, I have no family anymore, zero friends because I only have female friends for obvious reasons and I have either slept with them and ruined it or they got married / boyfriends, I dont even have a frenemy anymore. I literally have not spoken to anyone outside of work for months except random shop assistants and the guy at my local 7/11.

I dont want to be addicted to women anymore. I want to not care about them and grow vegies or something.

[Sophie_M]

Hi DamienD,

Welcome to the forums and I'm glad that you reach out to us today; I know that it must have taken a lot of strength, especially in having to talk about such personal things like this.

It sounds like that things are really hard for you at the moment and I can completely understand why you'd be struggling so much; as human beings we all want and need love and connection, but because of so many different factors it can be really hard for us to receive that love in a healthy and long-lasting way, and if you're finding that this craving for intimacy is negatively impacting other areas of your life then it creates a lot of other problems, too. 

I'm glad that you have been speaking to your doctor about this and trying to look for solutions. It sounds like that you have also put a lot of thought into what might be going on with you, but I do want to say that if you ever do have any suicidal thoughts, that it would be really important for you to reach out to people like our friends at Lifeline at 13 11 14, or to call 000 if you feel like that you're not able to keep yourself safe. I'm also not sure if you've ever tried them before, DamienD, but you might also find it helpful to look at the support Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous offers, or to see if they can suggest any more specialised help or support in this area.

I'll open this up for the rest of our community to chime in, but please know that we're here to support you in whatever ways we can, Damien.

[DamienD]

Hi Sophie thanks for the reply and advice. Yeah we all need love but I feel like I need it like a vampire needs blood - to survive. Id like it to be because I actually care about them like the love I have for my kids.

Just to add - I have not told my doctor about this because its extremely embarassing. I haven't told anyone in real life other than this forum now.

Thanks again

[Juliet_84]

Hi DamienD,

I’m so sorry to hear of your problems as I can hear they are causing you a lot of distress. I think that you are being a bit hard on yourself, you don’t sound like a seriously disturbed individual to me. I think like a lot of people (myself included) that you are lonely and crave connection, ideally an emotional connection but you will settle for a physical connection. My question to you is, when you have someone in your life that you connect with, like a girlfriend, do you find yourself satisfied with that or are you still craving it? Like an insatiable and relentless need?
like you, most of my friends for many years were of the opposite see. Something about the power dynamic made me feel more comfortable, you could flirt and it was a bit of a buzz knowing that someone was interested. But like you, I got sick of friends who weren’t really friends, who’d ditch you the second they got a girlfriend etc, so I have made more of an effort to cultivate new friendships with the same sex.

[DamienD]

Hi Juliet, thanks for your post.

I grew up in a bit of a matriarchal bubble somewhat removed from reality. My mother is / was extremely disturbed from sexual abuse at home as a kid and then institutional sexual and physical abuse after her dad died.

Unfortunately all the rage she held from that was directed towards her male children. Most of the physical abuse was directed at my oldest brother; I was lucky to be her favorite but there was a lot of psychological abuse in terms of making us believe that boys and men were predators, sexual deviants, inherently violent.

There were no males at all allowed to visit and because of that all my friends were females. Of course one had to be very careful around girls because my mum might interpret normal kid play as us being deviant.

Anyway I grew up abnormally I think you could say.

Weirdly women seem to like me a lot probably because I believe or was made to believe women are superior and Im extremely careful to not be sexual towards them at all. I remember I was dating this one girl for 3 weeks and she was at my work and she got on the two way frustrated and asked me if I was ever going to kiss her. She was cool but didnt work out either.

I kind of still believe women are superior, its engrained, even though I know everyones an individual and sex doesnt determine if you're good or not, it became a core belief.

To answer your question when I have a girlfriend Im satisfied. My relationships never last though because after a while that feeling I get when just in a relationship fades and changes to something more like just friends and then I realise theyre just people so I lose interest.

Yeah I like the flirting aspect too, and really I just feel more comfortable with females, I can relax and talk properly. Men dont talk about the same things, at least not the men Im used to now. I have tried but I just cant stay interested with male friends.

/Ramble off

[therising]

Hi DamienD

It's definitely a challenge when we're trying so desperately to work our self out. I get the analytical side of things as I'm deeply analytical myself when it comes to human nature, my own nature included.

Wondering if you're addicted to physical emotion/feeling excitement throughout your body. The reason for me wondering is based on sex having the ability to lead us to feel incredible physical emotion. We can physically feel an internal course of energy make its way through our body, from the base right up and out the top of our head. Regarded as a spiritual experience in some practices; the excitement initially makes itself known when charging up through the base (that stirring in the loins), through the stomach region, through the solar plexus area, reaching the heart (which beats faster), making its way through to the throat area (changing breathing) and then BAMM, some will meet heaven on earth (actually proclaiming their meeting with the almighty, if you know what I mean). For some, it is pure emotion, where you feel and nothing else. In some practices, these feelings are prolonged throughout the course, with the belief that this makes the charge greater.

Is there a possibility that you are attracted to anyone who you believe holds the potential to 'charge you up', make you feel alive? Certain types of love have the potential to charge us too. A passionate love has the potential to emotionally connect us to life. If our partner is passionate about adventure for example, certain adventures can charge just about every cell in our body. Our partner can even, simply, charge us up through our senses, from the perfume/aftershave they wear through to the sight of their smile, the sound of their laugh or the touch of their skin. Such things can take our breath away or even make our heart skip a beat. On the other hand, such a person also holds the potential to relax us, creating much needed balance. If we're naturally a pretty hyperactive person, having someone close to help us manage our hyperactivity and nervous system is attractive in itself. It's like they know us, they know we tick and what we need. Unmanaged hyperactivity can feel pretty overwhelming.

If this does happen to be the way you tick, you absolutely love being in a state of charge (excitement), there are others out there who tick the same way. Once you do find your perfect match, you could always share active relaxation through planting a vegetable garden together.

🙂

[Axs]

Hi Damien

i know what your going through is very challenging, I've been through very similar problems for most of my life. Recently, i have also fallen out of contact with almost all my friends, but then i realised i should appreciate and cherish the times i had with them, rather than live in the past waiting to reconnect with them. As to your craving intimacy, this i believe is completely normal. All of us crave to make a real mental/emotional connection with someone special. Often we waltz into relationships with preconceived ideas and perhaps false hopes. Building a real connection with someone takes time. So my question is what do you want the basis of your relationship to be? Like if your relationship is built on intimacy, when both you and your partner are satisfied what is left there to keep your relationship going?

And in the statement about male friends not understanding and wanting to talk about the things which you are comfortable with, i totally get it. Male friends often like to just joke around and never are almost never emotionally connected. However, years ago when i had a problem with depression, they stood by and supported me for almost an entire year till i finally started to feel normal again. i know, its not the norm for male friend to talk or support their friends in this manner, but there are people out there who will accept you for the person you truly are.

i wish you all the best in finding all the answers to your issues.

🙂

[DamienD]

Hi Axs, sorry to hear you lost your friends too and you have had similiar problems.

Yeah I waltz right in to often and I often have a little voice in my head screaming no but I feel like its better to have my fix and pretend shes perfect than being alone I guess.

I like sex, Im hypersexual, but it has to be positive, fun and involve feelings, even if theyre pretend otherwise I feel a deep sense of dread and grief due a very early life event.

Affection and caring has to be the basis even if theyre not real feelings theyre better than none.

I have major issues hey. And yeah I have met men who are awesome but I still feel a bit uncomfortable. Luck to you too m8.