Have I broken my husband?

[StressedMrs]

I feel i have broken my husband. In 2016 he found out I was having an online affair. I was talking to another man using fake pictures. I never physically cheated on him not that it makes what I did any less disgusting. We were going good and I slipped and starting talking to the same man again (i also again was pretending to be someone else). He once again found out and since that time he has been depressed, having anxiety attacks, raging out of control and most recently verbally abused his boss.

He says he doesnt trust me on the phone (which I can understand) and constantly says he is alone in the world, worthless and not important to anyone. He has been to counsellors along with couple counselling and been medicated but it hasn't stopped his rage outbursts.

My greatest fear is that he is only with me for the kids and that he isn't able to move past this and start healing together as a couple.

[Croix]

Dear StressedMrs~

I've been thinking what I'd feel like if my partner did something similar a couple of times. I expect I'd feel all the things you would expect, grief, betrayal, distrust and many more, plus maybe I'd feel inadequate and helpless.

I'm not surprised he has so many difficulties, the frustration alone could so easily lead to anger. While it would be very natural for you to think you are that one that should fix things, maybe he needs a path to fix things too.

OK, I'm guessing, however if it was me and I had a measure of control of the situation and could wean my partner away from fantasy back to myself then things might be more hopeful. You may well say - and mean- all the right things, but doing something oneself can perhaps help.

How that works in practical terms I don't know. Do you have any ideas?

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. Reading my post it occurs to me that you might think i mean negative things, like over-sighting your phone. I don't. I mean constructive things that build the relationship between you.
-C

[geoff]

Hello Mrs, thanks for sharing your comment with us, I know the situation you are in, and although it's something I would be upset with when you look at it from another angle there was a reason why this may have happened.

I also understand how he reacted ( and I would also be no different) but I have to look at this as another reply.

Although you were both good, there was something in your relationship you were missing, this is why you have done what you did, whether it was lack of attention when you needed it, or whether he was working strange hours, this is only something you can tell us, only if you want to.

Counselling together will help, but it's trust and confidence that you love him and won't ever do again.

A promise won't suffice at the moment it's constant trust, behaviour and keeping your guarantee of honesty, he needs assurances from you and if there is any reason why this happened then that needs urgent attention, probably with a counsellor.

I'd really like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[StressedMrs]

We have promised each other a date night at least once a week where we turn everything off and be together. He does work 12hr night shifts and loves gaming but i didn't do this because of attention. I believe i did this because i don't believe im lucky enough to have him and im sabotaging my relationship. I also have alot of body insecurities that have gotten worse since having 2 babies. I just want to help him

[Croix]

Dear StressedMrs~

That date every week sounds a pretty good idea, both of you trying. I'd also think your feelings of why you looked elsewhere are important. Can you share them with your partner? Maybe hard to do face to face, what do you feel?

In his shoes I'd never dream such actions could originate in insecurity and lack of self-worth, I'd just put them down to me being inadequate and you expecting better.

Croix

[StressedMrs]

My husband is the most loving, kind, compassionate person one would ever hope to meet. If i wanted the moon he would find a way to make that happen.

Before my kids i was a curvy girl with alot of self esteem and body imahe problems and since my kids i have put on 55kgs. I absolutely hate my body even though he tells me im beautiful and would love me no matter my weight. Ive never been classed as a pretty girl i was always the fat friend and i truly believe he could do alot better then me. Everyone i try so hard to be a perfect wife and when i go to bed at night i hate myself for forgetting to do something he asked or burning dinner or forgetting to get the clothes off the line.

I dont believe in my heart i did what i did as a result of lacking something in my relationship. Or not having enough attention as he is always affectionate and wanting to be with me.

[Croix]

Dear StressedMrs~

Thank you for coming back and explaining more, I can imagine setting it all down is hard. I'm glad your husband loves you as much as that.

Sometimes feeling that one is not beautiful enough, or efficient enough or any one of umpteen things seen as shortfalls can make for a great deal of pressure, and it keeps on going.That can make one try all sorts of things to stop it.

Fortunately it all turns into a sort of circle with this low self-esteem feeding on itself and lowering one's regard for oneself even further. You end up believing you are not a worthy partner - even if totally untrue.

Pushing someone away by whatever means can be a sort of unconscious test, "if I behave badly and my partner sticks with me then I'm loved" - that sort of thing. Unfortunately that feeling of security does not last. Do you think there might have been a bit of this why you had those online conversations as well as simply wanting to feel attractive?

Trying to be the perfect wife - or perfect anything - is never going to work. As someone with an anxiety condition among other things it is a trap I fall into. I'm better than I used to be, and that basically is due to ongoing therapy.

The best partner is one who is happy, not just one that remembers to peg out the washing -it's that simple

May I ask if you have ever been tested for an anxiety condition, or are yourself undergoing therapy?

Croix

[StressedMrs]

I personally havent gone to therapy for any reason. Not because it hasnt been offered but because something always comes up that is more important. I was taught to just keep going. Things have happened to me that have never been discussed even as a child.

Having 2 small kids and being anemic im constantly tired. My husband sleeps 11hrs a day at times and never gets up to the kids even though ive begged him too. He sees me asking for a sleep in (the last time i got more than 5hrs sleep a night was before my forst son was born 5 yrs ago) as not handling motherhood or im saying he isnt doing enough. Then its a fight and i just dont have the energy to fight him. Although he is loving and kind his aspergers and anxiety/depression can make him very selfish. Its always a figjt when i tell him my feelings but he needs me to help him. I feel like an empty well everyday.

[Croix]

Dear StressedMrs~

Lets put to one side the reason you first came here - pretending on the phone. I honestly do not think in itself it is that important. The reasons behind it are.

Instead lets look at what's happening. You have 2 kids, are anxious and feel you are not a 'good catch', yet you are the one that is exhausted by looking after the kids, trying to do everything perfectly and then looking after a husband who for whatever reason is not helping - and sees your being exhausted as some sort of failure.

True he may love you however this is not an equal relationship. If he has illnesses, depression and anxiety, then he, like everyone, has to do what he can to make himself better. I'm not suggesting this is an easy or quick path, but it is his responsibility in the same way it has been mine. None can do it for him. Is he currently under treatment?

Similarly can I suggest you see your GP, obtain treatment for you anemia and be tested for anxiety and depression and similar things? I simply kept on going downhill until I had proper competent medical support.

Helping others, shouldering all the responsibility is not something anyone can do for the rest of their lives. There comes a time when one is empty and becomes ill. Everyone needs help in return.

Do you have any family or friends to help with the house and kids from time to time?

You are sensitive and very caring person with a lot of love, and you are someone who sees the best in people. Try to see how good a person you are, and how you deserve a life in partnership with another, NOT a second rate anything!

Croix