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Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light
Community Member
Not sure whether or not my daughter has taken drugs or still on drugs, but her personality and behaviour has dramactically changed. My husband and I have bent over backwards to encourage her, support her (especially financially wise the past year). She is 18, has just recently moved in with boyfriend whom we don't know very well at all. Tried to avoid the situation at all costs but unfortunately the law was outta our hands. One month ago after paying for and organising her 18 she suddenly has wiped me (mother), father and sister totally from her life. Does not want to see us, talk to us and has blocked my number. Leading up to this she has been saying things that were very paranoia in nature. I know for a fact that the students she hung around with were on drugs. She has portrayed some signs perhaps of either drug use (presumed no evidence) or mental health illness or both. Rumors in school grounds were circulated. For three months approx this year her skin on her face got really bad and nothing seemed to clear it. Eventually went on antibiotic/skin solution regime for approx 3 months. She always has bruising up both legs, and has distance herself from all of her friends. Didn't really seem to have many anyway. Now she says the most hurtful things without any remorse or reasoning. Is there any one out there that has any personal experience on the level whereby could shed some light. ? Ice- some of the traits kinda lead to this drug. Although was still maintaining studies at VCE level, and going to work. I'm beside myself as I think she is at risk- unfortunately nothing I can do over 18.
21 Replies 21

pipsy
Community Member

Dear glimmer of light.  I'm wondering if maybe her bf could be abusing her.  If she is using drugs, plus being abused, it's possible she's too embarrassed to admit she made a mistake.  At 18, she probably thought (as kids do), that she 'had all the answers'.  It could be, her bf is 'controlling' her.  You say you don't know him at all, if her behaviour is out of character, I'd be taking as close a look as possible at him.  I'm not saying he's totally to blame, but, as I said, at 18, she won't like admitting to a mistake.  See what you can find out about him.  Maybe talk to the school counsellor.  You can make discreet enquiries, even at 18, she still needs your permission if she decides to marry him.  If she tried to obtain court permission to marry, the court would want to know why she couldn't get your permission.  Do you know how old he is?  How did she meet him? 

Sorry I can't give you more help.

 

Thanks for replying pipsy. Trying to find out as much as possible about the boyfriend. No body seems to know him or anything about him. I too think he is controlling her, have spoken to school counsellor whom she had good repore with to express my concerns for her welfare. Unfortunately confidentiality prevents me from doing anything other than that. There seems to be a real gap in system, as l have also been to headspace expressing my concerns. It seems as though no authority can intervene until she basically crashes and burns-so to speak. 

Hi there, glimmer of light.  it seems weird (to say the least) no-one seems to know the bf or anything about him.  If he's at the same uni as your daughter, he must have school records.  As you say, they're confidential till, 'too late'.  What a shame there's no way of knowing if he has a 'record'.  If he is supplying to your daughter, he possibly could be known to the police - again, as you say, confidentiality means exactly that.  If she crashes/burns, unfortunately by then, it's quite often too late and you're trying to prevent that from happening.  If he is isolating her, her friends might open up a bit to you, but you would have to 'win' their confidence, (no mean feat today).  Is there a way you could talk to her friends on a casual basis.  With teens today, it's almost 'them versus us', so you'd have to tread very carefully.  Try, maybe getting in touch with her friends, ask if they've seen her, how she's doing.  You're her mum, you're trying to help.  I wouldn't say that last sentence to them, that was me understanding you.  Just maybe ask, casually, have you seen her, how's she doing.  Get their confidence by letting them know, what they tell you goes no further.  Don't let on you're worried, they'll 'clam up'.  Ask them how they're doing, if they're enjoying their studies.  Talk to them about them, don't mention daughter.  Once they relax (maybe after 2 or 3 meetings) then casually ask about daughter.  Keep it low key though.

Good luck.  I'm quite concerned about your daughter.  I don't know her, but at 18, with an unknown bf, it is a concern.

dear Glimmer of Light, this is something a parent dreads, our children taking to drugs and excessive alcohol use, which totally changes their entire life.

Unfortunately it's something which can be hidden behind our back, until there are signs which indicate skin, teeth problems and unusual or strange behaviour.

You are in such a difficult situation because she maybe under the control of her b/friend, where has to do what ever he wants her to do before she will get the drugs she is hooked on, this I am not sure of, nor will she tell you, so it's a catch 22 situation, and as much as you want to get her off the drugs and leave her b/friend, isn't going to be an easy job.

What does really concern me is that if she is put into rehab to stop the drugs, then that's great, but when she is released then there's a chance that she will meet up with her old friends, b/friend and be enticed into starting once again, but that's a hurdle that we can face later on.

I really don't want to have to say this, but it's very possible, but I hate having to do say it, and please I don't want to upset you by doing so, but any cash at your place should be hidden.

At what stage does the system accept someone who has burnt out or in desperate need of help, and to those concerned there doesn't seem to be an answer, because as much as you would love to drag her away, it won't help her, because she will only dig her feet in and reject you.

I really want to help you, but I don't believe I have been successful.

There are charities which know all about children on drugs, and can I suggest that you contact Anglicare, but I would dearly love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

 

Dear Geoff, l have been to local headspace x 3 times, have spoken to someone expressing my concerns. Some of the paranoia things she has said- she supposedly carries a sharp object around with her at all times- just in case- took her bc around to fathers place- when she was talking to him- just in case he held her hostage- accused me of following her boyfriend around a store when l saw him one day in a party shop- threatened to place an intervention order on me- have no idea why. As far as money goes she doesn't have any access to our money. I was giving her some initially when she first moved out but not any more. And to Pipsy my daughter isn't at uni yet she and her boyfriend live approx 30 minute drive away fro me, they share unit together, and she has cut all her friends off from her life. She had told my other daughter when she was talking to her she hated me and hopes l end up in mental health where l belong as she new l had been crying over the whole thing. 

Dear Glimmer, 

I was the exact same description of you 18 year old daughter at the same age...and younger! To give you some hope I was never on drugs, but exhibited the same traits and behaviors as your daughter. I     

Dear Glimmer - Sorry not sure what happened with my half post there!

 

I was the exact same description of you 18 year old daughter at the same age...and younger! To give you some hope I was never on drugs, but exhibited the same traits and behaviors as your daughter. I moved out of my family home - which was seemingly normal - into my boyfriends house 30 mins up the road. I completely isolated myself from friends and family. I rarely attended school and only just managed to scrape through. I was suffering from an abusive and manipulating partner, which sounds more like what she might be experiencing at such a young age as opposed to drugs. He was the one who subtly closed me off from friends and family. This heighten my anxiety and depression and caused me to turned further in on myself.Checking in and calling police on the partner will only drive her away more - my mother did it and i completely shut her off afterwards. Though she was doing what was in my best interest and I WISH I had listened. What Geoff has said is 100 percent correct - dragging her away or investigating into her life heavily will drive her away.  I really hope that she grows out of it as I did, she will come round if you keep letting her know you love her and support her if anything goes wrong and let her know she can talk to you without judgement. They are the things I wish my mother had said and provided me with. She is very lucky to have such a caring mother. I can't imagine how it feels for you, what I put my parents through causes me the most incredible guilt. But I did get through it and we have the most incredible relationship now, there's hope for you :)xxx 

Dear glimmer of light.  I'm sorry we haven't been able to help you as much as what we hoped we would.  What Geoff and elizabeths90 has said, unfortunately is true.  Also at 18, in the eyes of the law, your daughter is considered old enough to 'know her own mind'.  She can vote, drive a car, drink, do all the things the law has said she can.  If she gets caught drink/driving or using or breaking the law in general (heaven forbid), she may call on you to 'bail her out'.  This is where it gets tough.  What I would suggest to you ( as I said, tough).   A little bit of 'tough love', wouldn't go astray.  If you are called on to 'bail her out', I would suggest firmly, yes I'll help you, but there are conditions.  Outline these conditions firmly, telling her why.  If she says 'no dice', as no doubt she will, walk away.  I know how hard this is, she is your daughter, you love her, but she needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable.  If you walk away, she's going to be hurt, throw a tantrum - let her.  If you help her without restricting her, she'll carry on exactly as before.  If you explain why the conditions, as I said, she will react, but walking away, will make her stop and think.   Tell her you love her, unconditionally, but, she needs to know she's hurt you.  If the above fails, I'm sorry, there's not much more I can suggest.  I suppose a lot depends on how much of a hold her bf has over her.  Quite often when a bf controls, as soon as he and gf get into trouble, the bf tends to walk away leaving gf to face the music alone.  If your daughter and her bf get into trouble, this could happen.  Hope not, but be ready in case it does. 

Hope I haven't distressed you in any way.  If I have, please accept my sincere apology.

Dear elizabeth's90's. Thankyou so much for your insight. I do think the boyfriend is controlling her. And l am guilty of fishing around a little, l rang a distant friend who doesn't really hang around with her or keep in touch, in a desperate attempt to shed some light. This has only made her more angry. I'm sorry l can see your side, but the trauma she is putting through is affecting not only my mental health but also my physical health. When a mother brings a child into this world, the love they have is unconditional. To have my daughter turn her back on me for no reason and say she hates me is the hardest word to hear. I just want a reason that's all. Everyone says just wait she'll come back to you. I spoke to someone the other day, it's been 5 years since her daughter hasn't spoken to her. I hope l don't have to wait that long as it will absolutely destroy me. Please keep in touch. I have found some reassurance in gaining some insight into your side of the story. Much thanks.