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Had an argument

SeasonsoftheYear
Community Member

Normally I keep this to my thoughts, but I'm at the point I need to get this off my chest somewhere.

I had an argument with my Mum recently which is something I generally avoid most of the time because no one likes conflict. This time however, it happened and I'm here. I won't say what it was over because it was small, I was provoked and snapped at her. I said something incorrect and she called me stupid for it and I replied in a tone I can't remember; but it wasn't loud. She said the usual "don't snap at me", "you kids are acting against me" to which I said "that isn't true" consecutively and she just walked away. She also said "you think you’re better than me" which is something I would never think about anyone in a million years. Yes, I felt bad and yes, I overreacted by snapping over something so small, but here's the thing, she doesn't care about how she talks to me or anyone in my family; it's the 'say it like it is' personality which is a realist way of doing things, but it's something I disagree with. She also claimed that her reason for not caring how she spoke was because of where she is in her life; this is a lie, she has acted like this ever since I have known her. She's called me stupid and other worse names in the past and I wouldn't dare reply because of what was mentioned above or risk a far worse argument occurring (it's happened before). I have learnt not to reply and to just take it; why though?

I got bullied a lot at school and my mum was the one who taught me to stand up for myself, but I never took it on board because I was always worried, I would be acting just like the bullies. Also, I can't call mum out on anything. One reason being that in general I would never say rude things to or about my parents, that's a matter of principle to me, but my mum does it whenever someone in my family makes a mistake. Here are some things I have learnt over my experiences when getting lectured to and trying to argue my side to my mother.

She can resort to name calling over a small thing, but if I replied calmly or called her out, she cannot take it nor apologise for name calling.
She would think that the world is against her after an argument with one of us occurs, which is a complete exaggeration.

I am not saying my mum is a bully or claiming abuse; I love my mother deeply and am grateful for everything she has done for me. I don't like conflict or arguments. I'm just looking for a place to post my thoughts and see what anyone else thinks.


1 Reply 1

Leleina
Community Member
Hello SeasonsoftheYear

I understand where you are at because of my similar experience with my mum. Like yours, mine also says this is how she is-in justification of the way she speaks and acts. I won't go into details but since young, my mum has also negatively labelled me stupid amongst others. I was compared to my older sister a lot. My younger years-ive shut down to her. Even now. My view is that she will not change. So I have learnt (not quite there yet) to listen and 'go along' to avoid conflict as much as I can. I still snap at her when her words poke my buttons. She just fought off lymphoma and doctors have said she is too negative. Have you heard of childhood emotional abuse/neglect? I believe I have that and I haven't figured out how to cope with this anxiety yet. I guess I am saying is I don't have a good relationship with my mum but that doesn't mean I don't love her or care about her. However she has poisoned my thoughts and my being, caused my anxiety, scolded my kids unnecessarily... in the same negative labelling fashion... but because I live overseas I hardly see her so... in my situations I tolerate it. She can't change nor can I make her. I just live my life knowing she is not always right and try to filter out the toxic influences that trigger me.
Hope this helps. Leleina