I don’t know what I need if anything I just need to share my heartbreak.
My partner of 10 years tonight has told me she wants me to leave. She had an affair which has caused me mental health issues for the last 2 years, during this time, as I struggled, I found she had messaged men online with explicit content causing me to deteriorate further. I love her deeply and know what she had done was due to grooming when she was younger.
My only comfort from the panic attacks and anxiety was her presence, her touch, her voice. 2 nights ago I drove myself to hospital, I put my plan in motion, if it wasn’t for a close friend I’m unsure what would have happened but I’d said my goodbyes, I was so tired of existence with this over me.
But tonight she has told me she can’t help me anymore to cope with my mental health. She doesn’t want me anymore. In my current mental state I am terrified of being alone, I can’t be in the dark alone, it feels like doom. An empty room feels like a tomb, if I woke in the night and she was gone I would have terrible panic attacks. Now I am alone in a strange house, I am panicking about what my kids will be like when dads not there in the morning to dress them and make breakfast and pack lunches and take them to school, all the things I would do every day so their mum could have a career. I grieve that they bare the brunt of this decision that their lives will forever be changed, that every day forward is unknown territory for them. I am scared that I now have to exist with a hole beside me that only one person in the world could fill, but she doesn’t want me because of my mental state. I can’t breath, I can’t sleep, I’ve lost my home, I’ve lost my family.
