Going Through The Motions
Not sure how/if I should post this, but I can't do anything else right, so what the hell. Let's give it a shot.
Since I posted in November, things have just become steadily worse. Professional help has been next to useless. Advice given for my wife leaving was to join internet dating sites and some medication. Not what I was expecting. I've got no friends to talk to, family are on the other side of the country, and are so dysfunctional would not be of any assistance if they were local. Spent today working through my accounts and other administrative functions, and also started planning a pre-paid funeral. Making sure that which ever organisation that has to clean up the mess if I fall off the perch has an easy time of it.
I'm only now just starting to recognise some of my symptoms as anxiety, which I'd never thought I'd had. Thought I was more "socially awkward" than anxious, but looks like I was wrong - again. Still having quite dark thoughts, but they're so common I just laugh at them. Don't think that means I'm accepting them, and not planning on acting on them - unless estate planning counts?
Started exercising, but lost motivation quite quickly. Nothing really seems to have any meaning. Don't like meeting new people, and I can tell that those I do meet have no interest in forming any sort of relationship (as evidenced by the fact I generally don't have any further contact after initial meetings/coffee/whatever).
So, just going through the motions, and trying to find reasons to get out of bed. At the moment, pretty sure there aren't any.
dear Matt, thanks for coming back to us.
I am rather worried about your post, but from what I realise is that being "socially awkward" than anxious' is really on a par, because your socially awkward because you are anxious, however what does concern me is what you are actually doing at the moment.
I too wouldn't be too happy if my wife started using a dating service, as I would take this as an insult, and why so quickly.
Denial is a real problem, but I'm not too sure that you are still in it, maybe I'm wrong, but your comment 'unless estate planning counts', plus planning a pre-paid funeral, which then may throw it the other way, because you are laughing at the dark moments, however your lost interest in exercising and having trouble getting out of bed, so the final decision you are in depression.
I know that your professional help hasn't worked for you, but it takes a few times to find the one that you can connect with, so I do urge you to try again, and you can start by looking up 'get support' at the top of the page, and I am also concerned about any medication which you haven't mentioned.
Can I ask you how long you were married for, as I can see this to be a problem that you are trying to overcome. Geoff.
I'm not sure I was clear. My psych recommended that I start using an internet dating site. Makes it a little difficult to take anything else this person says seriously. I tried the medication that was prescribed, but the physical side effects were horrible, so I stopped taking them.
I've been experiencing depression for years, much longer than the problems in my relationship (13 years I was in it for).Just made an appointment to see a different professional, so we'll see if that makes any difference.
Denial? Don't know.
Matt, I can seriously relate to what you are saying. Going through the motions, wondering what the point of anything is, can't really "get" life, no enjoyment in anything anymore - yep, relate to it all.
Please believe that we care about you. I know that sounds kind of weird and hard to believe that a bunch of strangers on a web site could honestly care, but lots (most?) have in some way been where you are and know how dark it gets. We feel your pain with you and want it to stop.
I'm so glad you decided to try a different psych. I hope that this one is better, but if not don't despair - there are plenty of them out there and just keep trying till you find one you click with. I know that sounds like more effort than you think you could be bothered with, but this is your life, man - it's the only one you get, and even if it doesn't seem to have any value for you now that's because of your depression. Beat that and life will take on meaning again.
I'm really concerned for you Matt. The steps you are talking about - estate planning, funeral planning - are clear risk factors for suicide. You might not recognise where you are heading, but the sign posts are crystal clear. You need real help and you need it NOW. If you don't feel that your doctors are getting it right please ring BeyondBlue (the number's at the top of the screen) and they will help. I'm serious, you are in need of crisis care, even if you don't feel like it.
Please take care of yourself. There is only one of you in the world and we can't afford to lose the uniqueness that is you, for the sake of some lousy illness that is treatable.
I posted a longer reply but it's obviously ended up in the moderator's basket because of some of the words in it.
Basically, you're showing all the red flags that mean you need real help now. Right now. It seems that you aren't recognising them for yourself, and that's an understandable effect of the illness - but please, you need to keep yourself safe.
Please consider ringing Beyond Blue on the number at the top of the screen and letting someone there know where you are at. They can put you in touch with crisis resources in your local area. We all just want to be sure that you stay OK and safe.