Girlfriend cheated with best mate of 10yrs

[Ty95]

Hi guys I’m a 24 year old male.
ill keep this as short as possible.

I just found out couple days after New Years that my girlfriend cheated on me for my best friend on several occasions.

i can’t understand how people that are suppose to be your most loved and trusted ones can do that behind your back and still be so comfortable hanging out on the daily.

I am a nice guy and without sounding up myself decent looking. I went through serious depression over my ex who cheated on me years ago but this time I haven’t felt bad at all. Ive just felt a bit angry and betrayed but cutting my best mate out of my life who was like a brother to me for half my life has been so easy.

I don’t know if I’m just numb or if my brain is doing it’s thing to protect itself. After that bad depression a few years ago. I’m not sure if it’s healthy to not feel and I hope someone can relate or shed a bit of light for me.

Life can be so rough sometimes and bad things definitely happen to good people but don’t let that change you.

thanks guys.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there Ty95, welcome to the forums. We really appreciate you sharing this with all of us on the forums, it takes courage to tell your story and it is an amazing way to recieve support and connect with others. I am sure many users on here can connect with your words of encouragement.
  If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 
Additionally, MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/  Warm Regards,



 

[geoff]

Hello Ty95, I'm really sorry this has happened but horrified if this is the same 'ex' who has been doing this, in any case, I would definitely be showing her the door, but by the way, you are feeling, it's protecting you, however, it's one experience you have had to cope with this before and learnt how to block the effects.

I can't say for certain as I'm not a qualified doctor or psychologist, but if this did happen with me, my immediate response would be to end all relationship with your 'ex' and your mate, no friend you've known for years would ever contemplate doing this behind your back, unless he was brave enough to talk to you first, but even so, the friendship has to end.

You can still feel angry and betrayed, but since you've been down this road before with horrible consequences, hopefully, this time your reactions aren't quite as bad as they were before but this doesn't mean you shouldn't be talking with a counsellor.

There's an old saying, which I can totally relate to is 'once bitten twice shy', and it could have slightly different meanings, being afraid to repeat an uncomfortable or unpleasant experience or incident or to interact again with a person who has inflicted some type of pain on you when the trust has been broken.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[JackC94]

Hi Ty95,

I signed up for this to look for something completely different but I saw your post. I have had something similar happen to me before and I feel your pain. It sounds like your lack of emotion from cutting your best mate out could be because you were already subconsciously on your way to doing that.

As geoff mentioned above, I hope this isn't the same ex. From my past experience, I sat down with my partner at the time who cheated and it took a series of days to have multiple conversations which ultimately led to me believing how she was genuinely remorseful (she cheated on me with my brother). Sometimes people do lie because they want to avoid causing more hurt, which could be the reason why they were able to push past it and still be comfortable post incident. I think it is also important to take into account the environmental factors around her/him that may have led to this, what was involved, did she/he plan for it, what was the headspace for he/she.

It sounds like you have your mind made up regarding your mate and that is fair. If you are still confused about what to do with your partner, I suggest talking it out and seeing where that takes you.I am not sure how long you guys were together, but in my experience, we were only together for 7 months but i believed she did truly love me but was also dealing with her own broken self which caused her to hurt people along the way. She got help from a counselor, and over time I did forgive her. It has been 3 years now and we are happily engaged. Another piece of advice, if you do decide to work with her it is important to remember that once you've forgiven her, you both cant keep revisiting or holding that issue every argument you have as it will only set you both up for failure. It's been 3 years, and I still see my partner hating herself for it and it definitely changed who she was as a person; to me that has been punishment enough for her.

Wishing you all the best Ty95.

[OwenMac]

G'day Ty95,
It looks like you have gotten two very different opinions.
As strange as this sounds, i do think people can still love you yet do something like that. We don't know the full context of you and your ex, or your mate but from my experience people cheat when something is not okay either within themselves or the relationship as it was highlighted above.
I think from here on out, if you are still confused on how to proceed with either it is important to gage the emotional response coming from either of them, who is still trying with you?.
I am not proud of it but i have cheated on a relationship in the past. This shocked me that i was able to stoop that low, as i have been cheated on previously and still remember the pain from it. I think part of my brain was switched off when i did it, and the other part was trying to understand how my partner at the time could do it. After it happened, i realised it happened because i did not give myself enough time to workout my issues and did not want to give up this amazing girl i had just met. In hindsight, i should have asked her for some time and space before continuing on with the relationship but i knew that was not an option she was open too. She was able to forgive me and we proceeded to date for a whole year before calling it quits due to other issues.
I think you feeling numb may be your way of preventing yourself from actually feeling all your emotions. Whilst anger is an easier emotion to run with, empathy and understanding are a lot more complex. I don't know your ex or your mate, but i urge you to try and remember the people they were before this as this may help with your judgement on their characters - have they done this before or is this their first time and as the writer above said what were the environmental factors that contributed to the change in their characters?

I liked your closing statement about not letting bad things change good people. It might also be worth remembering that when someone does something wrong, don't forget all the things they did do right.

Owen.

[Ty95]

Wow guys thank you for the support and response I wasn’t expecting anything.

Sorry I should have been for specific. No I have been seeing this girl for 1 year now and I got messed up by a different girl when I was 18. Stayed single for 5 years because I had major trust issues. This was the first girl i let me guard down to since then and gave all my trust to. Worst possible outcome but allgood.

I should also add my mate confessed months ago he kissed her and he cried about it which I eventually forgave them both for it. A year down the track and they confess because they got caught red handed by my housemate while I was out the back having a beer. Pretty disturbing to say the least.

Thank you guys for your support it means a lot as I never talked on my last break up and it ate me alive. I’m forever trying to help other people going through the same thing because I know how dangerous depression can be. The nasty thing is you don’t realise you are depressed until you make it out the otherside and think holly crap it’s a new world. It feels like you can see colour again, you can look people in the eyes again, you want to be the best version of yourself.

I will seek help if I feel it’s really getting to me but I appreciate the comments and advice. And I’m here for anyone else who needs advice who are struggling too.

kind regards.