Friendship and Self-Sabotage...

[Tams20]

I’m in my early-mid 40s and have recently been ‘officially’ diagnosed with anxiety and depression (something I have lived with on and off since my teenage years). I’ve been taking medication for a couple of months now but I am engaging in some damaging behaviour that I feel is having an impact on its effectiveness and my recovery.

I’ve recently formed a new friendship with another woman and we have become quite close. We get on really well and are in almost daily communication (sometimes feels like we’re dating 😂!) which probably drives her nuts but helps me a lot in getting through my day, especially when I’m struggling. As well as having some awesome ‘midlife crisis’-style fun together, we’ve been supporting each other through some recent difficulties. I’ve actually opened up to her a bit, which is not something that I normally do - I am normally very guarded and (possibly because of this) I don’t have many close friends. I don’t even disclose much about myself to my husband or parents. She has been a revelation of sorts!

All sounds great so far, and it should be. But the trouble is, I’m messing it up. I can’t seem to strike a realistic balance in my mind - I seem to alternate between extremes of wanting to her to be my high school BFF and then wanting to push her away. My friendship with her seems to send me into highs and lows - she can make me feel wonderful one minute, then depressed the next. I have no idea what triggers the mood swings but it makes me tend towards feelings of self-sabotage. Mostly I can resist but on two separate occasions I have deliberately tried to end the friendship and push her away, and in doing so I have said some terrible things. Thankfully she has seen through it and hasn’t let me end it, despite having plenty of reasons to tell me where to go. We have somehow remained friends but I must be doing some damage. I feel terrible about it because she doesn’t deserve that behaviour from me, someone who is supposed to be her friend. I just want to enjoy the friendship but I’m having trouble keeping myself together.

I was wondering whether anyone else has experienced anything similar and what they did to get themselves out of it? Am going back to the doctor next week to discuss my medication, as I don’t think it’s working for me, but I also need to sort out my behaviour too. I’d be devastated to lose her friendship - and I think I must be on my last chance.

Thanks!

[Tams20]

Dear Croix,

In light of my recent issues I’ve been pondering your response regarding my comment as to whether the friendship is worth it or not... I’ve done some soul-searching and I don’t think this particular friendship is coming from a good place and I don’t think it is beneficial for me at all. Or for her.

I think I’d do better by focusing on improving the relationships with my other friends, where I don’t have the same complications. I need to pull right back on this one, it’s not healthy for me at all. If she really wants to be good friends with me I’ll leave it up to her to make the effort, as it’s primarily been the other way around - all me. And it’s exhausting.

Thanks,

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams20~

I was a bit stumped as to how to respond when you said conscience, as the very most I'd hope to be is a sounding board, I try to give my perspective at times, but it is purely mine, not the only one.

You are no doubt right, your other thread does show the pressure in your life in very real terms and your welfare is more important than anything else.Having the wisdom to know your limits is a pretty big asset, and it would be silly not to take note of your instincts.

Friendship does have to be two-way, and having a wider number of friends can only be good. Perhaps that is the good thing to come out of this.

Croix.

[Tams20]

Dear Croix,

Sorry for being back and forth on this issue, I am struggling at the moment. I’m having trouble trusting any of my friends, I’m bothered by the persistent that thought that none of them are interested anyway. I’ve spent so much time listening to their problems and I get very little support in return. It’s hard not to be disappointed in that.

I need to go into hiding before I ‘slash and burn’ my way through them and end up with no friends at all. That’s the sort of mood I’m in. Angry. Resentful.

Tams

[Guest_88458235]

Hi Trams,

your post really rang true with me. I have struggled with a VERY similar situation over the last 3 years. A new close friend quickly became a friend I couldn’t live without. I dont keep a lot of close people around me as I have trust issues and am very busy and generally don’t have time to spread my love. I also don’t have a lot of love to give. But when I truly feel it, I’m all in.

This friendship was different and I found myself even having strong feelings for a woman that I think are romantic. Which has never happened to me before. She is married and I think even if the feelings were reciprocated, she is too loyal to her husband. Which I appreciate.

She loves me very much as I do her, but I find my feelings for her so much sometimes that I just want to self sabotage and push her away.

I am not sure if it is me trying to test her and get a rise or if it’s me trying to see how much she would fight for me. This is terribly immature I think and I know it is wrong, but I can’t help but do it.

Unfortunately her husband got a big shot job interstate, and he pressured her to move interstate. She hates being there,  and I almost fell apart when she moved away as we were attached at the hip. It really truly feels like grief. We talk everyday and tell each other how much we love each other, but I just feel that a long distance relationship is unsustainable and doesn’t meet my expectations of what I desperately needed from her as a friend. So I find myself pushing her away again as it’s almost as though, if I can’t have her as I wanted, then it’s too painful and exhausting to bare, and so I threaten myself to cut her off completely….

i love this human so incredibly much. And would hate not having her in my life. Why would I want to engage in such destruction?????

Brains are so strange hey? I hope yours is going okay.