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Frantic with fear re abandonment/breakup

Depressionsucks
Community Member

Hi, I’m new here and I’m not sure where to start so I’ll just dive in:

I have a long history with depression and anxiety, but I think I do a pretty good job of managing it under normal circumstances. But life for the past 18 months has thrown me major blow after blow and my ‘reserves’ are well and truly used up.

I suspect that my boyfriend of 12 months is going to leave me, and my biggest trigger is abandonment... all common sense seems to go out the window and I get completely swamped with negative thoughts, self hatred, intense fear and anxiety, and getting through even five minutes feels unbearable.

If the breakup does happen I am terrified of the pain, mostly because my coping skills are already exhausted, but also because that abandonment trigger being pushed makes life unbearable.

Im on here looking to see if there are others like me that understand the intense agony of rejection and loss, the desperation of those first few weeks, and want/need to talk about it like I do so we can be a support for each other

I’m trying to be proactive as far as preparing myself for a situation that I very much feel will bury me, and I know from past experience that talking to others helps keep me sane and helps to keep those demon thoughts at bay.

Thanks for reading x

5 Replies 5

MissMySon
Community Member

Hi there,

I too have some very intense abandonment issues, so much so, that I've only had 1 5yr relationship in my 44 years alive. Sadly, we cant predict the future, but for some reason, we try to, to the point of creating so many scenarios in our head, that we believe one of them will come true.

Relationships come and go, and to truly make one last, requires a lot of effort from both, as well as commitment.

Do you communicate well with your partner? if yes, talk, as keeping silent resolves nothing.

If it does end,it wasn't meant to be, though no less painful.

I hope you work it out,

Cheers , Scotti.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi depressionsucks,

Like you, I have a fear of abandonment and find the first few weeks/months after a breakup intensely hard. It can be extremely painful to open yourself up, be vulnerable and let someone know everything about you, only to have them turn around and essentially say “no thanks”. It took me a year to leave my ex-partner because I didn’t feel strong enough, so in that time I slowly started to build myself back up. I didn’t engage in arguments, I started going to appointments by myself, getting used to doing things on my own, and being very gentle with myself.I think you should start doing a similar thing, do small things that nourish your soul and bring you happiness outside of your relationship, it may just be buying a magazine you like, going for walks, having breakfast in a cafe by yourself. If your relationship shall end, you will be prepared, and if it doesn’t, then your small positive changes won’t hurt. It may just be the space you need to get out of your head and revive it.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi depression sucks,

Welcome to the forum. This is a caring and friendly place.

I am sorry you are worried. Do you think it is anxiety or do you really think your boyfriend may leave you.

Have you talked to him. Sometimes talking cna make you see what is really happening in your reltaionship.

I think it is good you can write about how you feel.

Have you spoke to a counsellor?

Thanks so much for sharing your story.

Quirky

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Depressionsucks, can I welcome you to the forum.

I am sorry that you are feeling that this may happen, but at the moment he hasn't, it's your negative thoughts telling you this and it's a trigger that isn't easy to overcome because when love is broken there is nothing worse and it can still happen after 25 years of being married.

The most valuable thing you have is yourself, your goals, what you believe in, these will never disappear, and just because someone has left you, don't throw these away because somewhere down the line someone else is going to fall head over heels for what you believe in.

Don't believe that it's any form of rejection, it's certainly not, you still have yourself and that's what people love about you.

Sit down and talk with him, if you like, write down a list of what you want to discuss, including what you love about him.

Can I suggest you contact your doctor/psychologist. Geoff.

Depressionsucks
Community Member

Hi, thank you so much for the replies and the advice... kind words when you’re feeling so helpless and alone feel like treasures, thank you.

I’ve spent many years single, not wanting to risk being hurt again, and trusting/loving someone again has been both terrifying and wonderful.

He knows my history, knows how hard it was to ‘let him in’, but it’s looking like I’m in love with someone that doesn’t feel the same way. That’s life huh. Painful for anyone but not the end of the world... but for me it feels like it is.

My sane thoughts are that if he wants to go, let him, that if that’s who he is then he’s not who I want anyway. That if he doesn’t love and want me then he doesn’t deserve me. But my irrational rejected hurt thoughts are that I’m unloveable, that I mess everything up, that everyone leaves (they do and have) and that I don’t have any fight left in me to get through it.

This isn’t so much about ‘him’ leaving, it’s about being left AGAIN, rejected again, unwanted again, not good enough again, picking up the pieces again. Repeat endlessly.

Life is SO hard, I don’t want to live but I’m a sole parent. I’ve been battling these demons for so long. I’m on medication, have a (not so good) psychiatrist and have had an initial appointment with a psychologist last week and have another today.

Ive done this SO many times, I should be used to it by now but the intensity of the pain still shocks me. Talking about it is the only thing that helps or brings me any relief which is why I’m here.

Thank you again