Am I being a fool?

[cleo1988]

I'll do my best to keep this short

I love my boyfriend, in many ways though I am isolated here.

He sent me a photo in a drunken stupor on the weekend that look like lines of powder. He has told me before he's never done that sort of thing, he's not interested etc. and told me the photo must have been lights or something?

He promised me this is what it was. And that his friends whom he was with weren't into it either

for the record I don't do that and I barely drink

I am unsure why but I still feel uneasy. My mum and brother particularly feel he's lying having seen the image

anyway, I am unsure what to do. As I don't want to be acquisitory

perhaps, time will tell but I am just uneasy. I feel unsure and not good

my family live on the other side of Australia, and at present I am toying with the notion of staying here permantly.

Please help, any advice would be great x

[insatiablemind]

Gee, I would be worried too, and I think that's quite a normal reaction. But I guess it's hard to tell without more context about your relationship. Is it the first time he's seemed a little off or not quite telling the whole story?

Maybe just try to be open to talking if he ever needs to, without being too confronting. He might be ashamed and not sure how to tackle it, especially if he's sending you photos while drinking. But photos and drinking can be quite ambiguous! If it's out of character for him to be dishonest, maybe don't show too much concern but do try to show you're there for him (and can help him find support) if he needs. It doesn't hurt to have at least a low-key radar when things look serious.

[Just Sara]

Hi Cleo;

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. What I've learned though, is arguing about a lie isn't productive; it's listening that enlightens.

My ex used to say things that didn't compute which sometimes ended up in horrible conflict. Eventually I stopped confronting him and began listening intently, then writing the confusing statements down in my journal. The penny dropped...

All those instinctive gut reactions I had finally made sense; I was being told a load of garbage to avoid a particular issue he didn't want to admit.

I walked away for my own peace of mind; not before my heart was broken though.

Lies can't be argued with or appeased. As love can skew the truth, or keep us 'wanting' it not to be true, we tell ourselves it's just 'me' being too judgemental or paranoid. That was my mistake which caused me more pain than he did with his lies.

Not accepting 'our' truth, keeps that individual empowered to continue living the lie as if it were the truth. If we go along with this we do ourselves an injustice.

Love 'can't' be blind; it has to include self respect, self protection and adhering to our values. Sure, we all tell furfies now and then, but when they're destructive to the values of a loving relationship, they become invasive causing a snowball effect. 5 yrs later we ask; "I saw the signs! I'm so stupid! Why didn't I do anything?"

The truth shall set you free!

Hope I've helped Cleo.

Kind thought;

Sez

[geoff]

hi Cleo, both good comments by Insatiablemind and Sez.

The only way you will know is to see if he suddenly changes or if he disappears for short periods frequently.

The truth will eventually come out if he is, by him telling you or any other way. Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Cleo,

Firstly, I don’t think you’re being a fool, you have a gut sense that something is amiss, and I don’t think we should ever ignore our instincts.

From your post, it’s not entirely clear to me what is making you feel this way. Are you upset because you feel that he’s lying? Do you have a poor opinion of people who use drugs? If he has used drugs, is that a relationship deal breaker for you? I think to really get to the bottom of this, you need to examine your feelings around this in more detail. I think your boyfriend may be hiding this from you because he’s feeling judged and afraid of the consequences. I think if you can sit down with him and talk about your reasons for why you feel the way you do and some clear boundaries in a non-judgmental way, that may help things.

[Emily_C]

Hi Cleo,

i don't think you are being a fool, if you suspect anything I think it's best you act. If you decide not to act fast it might get worse. If he has started lying then you need to act fast.

My last relationship ended cause my ex started lying about his whereabouts and being secretive with his phone. I had a feeling there was another girl in the picture but I didn't act quick. He started becoming more distant and very private, whenever I asked him he would find a way to change the topic.

i never had access to his phone, I complained to a friend of mine and she hooked me up with a hacker. I got access to his phone and saw all his chats and messages, nude pictures from another girl. I was very sad because I really loved him, but I was happy to know the truth and move on.

if you don't act fast Cleo you might lose him. The truth will eventually come out if he is, by him telling you or any other way....