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Found husband talking to other women online

Timberheart
Community Member

I have suffered depression most of my life and am currently off medication since becoming pregnant. Things were looking up and as far as I knew I was in a very happy marriage with a baby on the way. My mental state the best it has ever been.

Then I found my husband has been talking to numerous random women online. As far as I can tell none of these are emotional relationships but they are highly sexual. He even contacted a prostitute at the start of last year and again January this year. Luckily he stopped before actually meeting her.

i have talked to him and he genuinely feels remorse. I still love him and am wanting to get pat this but I can't help but ask if that makes me a weak person?

I have 4 weeks until my due date and I don't really know what to do. I'm constantly crying and cannot fathom what has happened. I'm terrified of slipping back into depression especially after my daughter is born..

5 Replies 5

Nikkir
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Timberheart,

Thank you for reaching out, I really do feel for you and this must be a very stressful time for you emotionally, mentally and physically. What a distressing thought to think that your partner is contacting other women for sex or whatever, I don't agree with that at all I find it disrespectful. I think the main thing here is to look after yourself and your family. I will send a link for self care, do things for yourself have a bath, go for a walk, whatever it is you enjoying doing that makes you feel good. As you know you have alot of extra hormones at the moment so it could be adding to the already heightened emotional state. Is it worth talking to your partner about how this makes you feel ? We have so many resources on Beyond Blue so you can call our line on 1300224636 for resources or to chat or you could get a referral from your GP to talk to a professional. You are not alone and I am sure that you will find the strength and wisdom to get through this

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

Please keep in touch if that feels right for you and honour yourself and your family, set boundaries with your husband as to what you will and won't accept and give yourself space to deal with all of this, it is a life changing event having a baby in every level it is natural that you would be feeling emotional. I wish I could give you more resources for pregnancy and birth but I am sorry I don't have that information. You could always reach out to our DR Kim on Beyond Blue or like I said call our number, they are very helpful, I have rung it 🙂 Wishing you all the best. Nikkir x

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi timberheart

Great reply from Nikkir one of our community champions.

I'm concerned. I'm a 60yo male that has worked with men all my life. I've ended up not trusting any untithey prove trustworthy. Once that trust is bestrayed...its gone.

So you have a battle on your hands.What do you do?

This is the father of your baby. It isnt straight forward. Hence your post.I think, set clear boundaries.

For the next several weeks focus on your birth and well being. Settle at home. When you feel the time is right have a meeting. Have a short list of what constitutes stepping over the line. This is your list that YOU require. Exercise this basic right but...make sure you are fair...he can have his list.

Such lists and pledges should not be needed but put him on notice. Trust once gone is rarely returns.

So that is my suggestion. I hope you can focus on your baby's arrival and do some thing Nikkir suggested like relaxation.

Tony WK

MarkJT
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Timberheart, you ask if this makes you a weak person, I actually think that if you can move past it and move on with your life, I think that actually makes you incredibly strong.

Mark.

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Timberheart

Nikkir TonyWK and MarkJT have sound advice above

I dont condone what your husband has done at all. If I had a girlfriend and she did the same I would be hurt...big time

Please forgive me for being blunt but you are the one with the strength, not your husband.

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Neil_1
Community Member
Hi there Timberheart,

Some great responses and advice that you’ve received.

I just wanted to chip in and just agree with what White Knight (Tony) wrote with regard to setting some rules/guidelines; what’s ok, what’s not.

Now, you’ve still got 4 weeks to go with your pregnancy, and I’m not sure how often your husband has been doing this kind of thing; however you did say that he appears to show genuine remorse when you’ve approached him about it. Since that time, has he stopped or has he continued?

What I was alluding to with the 4 weeks, is that even though it’s not all that long, it could become even longer if things continue … and though your pregnancy should be your one and only focus at this time, I can’t but help think that you have this nagging worry also at the forefront of your mind.

I’m sorry, I waffle a lot … what I’m trying to say is: it might be better for you now to make that list and get things laid out on the table, and then once “hopefully” hubby agrees to what you’ve proposed, it could go a long way to easing your mind/concerns.

I hope all that makes sense.

Kind regards

Neil