Forever Single

[RMIreland]

Hi everyone! Thank you for reading my post and supporting me in what feels like my life's eternal struggle.

I'm 35 and been single almost all of my adult life. There are a number of reasons to explain some of the time I was single - I had very low self-esteem in my early 20s and I moved around a lot in my mid - late 20s. I was always generally hoping and praying that I would meet someone during these times anyway due to a general lack of self-worth. 

I settled in one area at 29, and met someone at 31, but the relationship only lasted a year and a half because he didn't want kids or marriage, and wanted an open relationship. I was devastated because I loved him so much and it had taken so long to meet someone I clicked with.

Fast-forward 2 years and I am still really struggling with being single. Now I am over the 35 mark, it feels like the idea of having children is slowly falling away and I feel even more under pressure to meet someone than ever, but rarely make it to a second date with people. I am always open to getting to know people more, but they don't seem to be.

I only know a few other single people who seem to be meeting partners before me, in fact, it is a sad belief I have, 'Everyone I know meets someone before me.' And none of their relationships are ending, like my one did. I even have a younger friend who has met someone naturally (not on the apps) and now I am filled with the most painful envy every time I think about her getting what I want. It's not a nice way to feel.

I have achieved so much in my life - moved abroad by myself, built a life, bought a house, completed a Masters, but all of it feels worthless because I am still single. Even the use of the 'still' shows I feel like my life can't start until I meet someone. And I am doing a lot to open myself up. I am on the apps and go to in-person events. Sadly, most of my interests are more geared towards women and gay men, so that avenue is not as useful as it could be.

And now dating itself is causing huge anxiety because I obsess about whether the person will message me back or not, and go into complete spirals if I think they are going to ghost me, or if I notice any slight pattern change in our communication.

I'm exhausted by it all. I know I have so much to be thankful for, but feel like if I don't get this one thing, I can never truly be content in life. I go to a psychologist twice a week to help deal with these things too.

Thank you so much for listening to me.