FIFO wife - he's not coming home
So I've repsonded a few times to posts and, if you're a FIFO wife, and like me searching for other FIFO wives, almost certainly seen my struggle.
He works 19/9 and has done for the 2 years we've been together. And 2 years prior to that.
It's hard, the emotional rollercoaster, the supporting him with his crazy roster, I mean we only really get 4 days of normal a month. I've done everything to sustain him and our relationship. I've tried to bury my struggle and support someone who does 12 hr days, 19 days straight. In fact, thats how we became friends.
I work high pressure job, full time, and a single parent 2/3 of the year. And she misses the only dad she's known so much. And we're trying for another but well timing is tricky and his mum said I have to do IVF so her son has no regrets. But I'll be parenting another solo.
He tells me he wants to come home. And after 1 year, 11 months together, applied for a much better job, local too! And for a major company in his field. Career wise this would set him up! I mean its a household name!
He got the phone screen.
He got offered a 2nd interview.
But you know, his current employer dropped the same "carrot" they do every 3 months... that they may or may not be moving people to head office, depending on contracts, maybe 6 months from now. So he might get the opportunity to do the same thing he does now, not grow or expand his career and not guaranteed to come home. It seriously happens every 3 months!
The new company pays well above industry standard. It offers growth in his career and expands his experience to a new industry, which is really hard in his role. Ive been on the job boards they're very specific.
He thinks it will be a difficult decision over whether to take a guaranteed job, that is much better for his career, or wait 6-7 months to find out if maybe he might be one of those selected to work from head office... a conversation we have every 3 months.
As someone accomplished in my field and has worked hard to be so im like, career wise this is a no brainer.
Makes the next bit harder...
Why doesn't he want me?
I have never been that person. Marriage was never on the cards for me. I am an accomplished, self made women without a family. Im scrappy damn it.
This hurts more than being alone.
Sometimes, i wish he'd just leave me. Coz then I could go back to the hard, don't need anyone type. Yeah it would hurt... a lot. But so does being with someone, and alone
This is a difficult situation to be in and having a partner that isn't fully aware or ignoring your desires doesn't help.
I'm going to suggest relationship counseling. You could organize this for when he has his 9 days off. When he arrives home I'd tell him then that you have an appointment and ask him to join you. If he doesn't then you are on your own with the issue and that means you use the therapy session to sort out your life alone.
You can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink, is the phrase. You cant make a partner act like a team. This results in using some leverage to begin the process of repair so it leave two options- he either considers you more or you go your separate ways.
It hard, I hope you are ok. Repost here if you want to include some developments.
Update... I spoke to him last night...he suggested we go to counselling.
He wasn't aware how much this was effecting me. You see this strong independent women, always so rational etc... well my solutions focused rational talk actually got in the way. I never wanted to be that "emotional woman" no offense to anyone who reads this.
Last night I was anything but rational. Now I wouldnt advise that under normal circumstances... but he saw that this was hurting me. And as someone who has been doing FIFO for 4 years, he's used to shutting down when he leaves. He has to as a survival mechanism.
He wasn't ever considering turning down the new job if it's offered, he really wants to come home and sent me job ads he found today to ask my thoughts on them. He was protecting himself from disappointment should it not come through.
And thats why there has been so much hesitation in trying to find a job at home. He wants it so bad that he didn't think he could handle getting his hopes up and it not happening. He was hoping his current employer would come through because the additional rollercoaster that comes with job hunting he thought might be more than he could handle.
He was like... seriously babe... if its a choice between being with you now, and waiting another 6-7 months thats a no brainer!
2 strong people shielding each other from how they feel. Dumb move. We will be getting counselling to get better at communicating, but I will also be getting solo counselling to work through the issues that make me fearful of being too much, or high maintenance, just by saying how i feel.
Side note- he wasnt aware of the breeding pressure coming from his mum. He has said if we decide to do IVF, it would be for medical reasons, not convenience, and a procedure like that would need him to be here to support me through it. And for the record, my mum is not invited into our bedroom, and does not have any say when it comes to your body.
He wasn't ignoring me, he was rationalising with the logical, low maintenance, don't become emotional me.
Step 1 in my healing... its ok to be sad