Fiancé with porn addiction

[Missy1964]

Discovered porn addiction 18 months ago and I am so confused . He had pictures of women we know amongst his thousands of porn folders . He told me he’d stop but this is still going on . Not the friends pics but all the porn and secrecy . I don’t know what to Do. I feel betrayed and I’ve called off the engagement. Do people get over porn addiction ? Am I overreacting ? Please help me . I’m lost and feel such about this . I thought after years of bad choices I had found the one . He’s 57 and I’m 56.

[Helarctus]

It is important to remember that both of you are in the relationship, if he habituates use of the pornography and you are uncomfortable with it you both need to ask some questions like;

• What is the need or desire he is addressing (beyond just the physical) when he uses the pornography,
• How do each of you feel about it when he is using, at the time 18 months ago, now, going forward,
• Is this something that you can accept if he can't/won't change his level of use and how much use would be acceptable?
• Is this something you could be comfortable participating in at some level?

These are questions that only you guys can answer. As an up side, in comparison to some addictions it generally has less direct harm on health or finances (alcoholism and gambling) and there are support groups you can talk to about sexual health issues and concerns both together and individually.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Missy1964,

His thousands of porn folders, plus pictures of woman you know, sounds like he's in deep.
I presume he will only be able to change this firstly if he wants to, and secondly with ongoing professional help.
Calling off the engagement could be a catalyst for change but/ and will it last?

His addiction is obviously very hurtful to you to do such a big thing in calling of the engagement. Has he mentioned anything about wanting to change his behaviours now?

[Missy1964]

He says he wants to change and the believe him but I have so many questions and so much hurt and betrayal . Some of the pictures were people we know . I am devastated and now it’s gone beyond that and family members know and don’t want anything to do with him .
I am completely lost . I love him but I’m not looking at him the same way . My granddaughters are not allowed near him and my daughters want nothing to do with him at the moment . It’s a complete mess

[Missy1964]

Thank you for your information.
I am not comfortable with the lying and secrecy or the pics of women we know .
may i ask what support groups are available ?

[Helarctus]

Hello Misy1964,

Depending on which state or territory there are different options available. It is important to remember if you choose to stay with him then some form of relationship counselling so you can better support each other through the process is probably a good idea as well. A quick google hit came up with the below which seem to have some good references;

SLAA Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous

https://www.slaa.org.au/

and

Sex Addiction and Sex Therapy Counselling | Sex Addiction Australia

https://www.sexaddictionaustralia.com.au/

Shame will not help the situation and is likely a significant driver behind his concealment of the activity in the first place. Unfortunately if the matter has reached the gossip-circle of family and friends that will make it more difficult to get the ball rolling on him changing and staying because it will likely drive him to isolate and seek comfort deeper in the addiction.

Patience, breathe and someone is almost always around or only a few clicks or a call away to talk to like the ppl on the Beyond Blue line, this may not be a specialty topic but they can talk to you and listen and may have a better list of links or references for you to follow up on.