Feeling unsupported by boyfriend of 3 years

Nautanki · ‎07-01-2023

My boyfriend (31m) and I (29f) live together. I'm Indian and he's American. We have an older neighbour lady in her 70s who is quite sweet for the most part. In September 2022, my boyfriend's mum was coming to visit us. She was going to stay with us for 5 days and I was super anxious (I hadn't met her before). The morning of her arrival, neighbour lady pulls me in to her house when I'm alone and tells me that no mother would ever want her son to be with a cheap sl** like me, and I should just stay quiet and stay out of their way so his mom doesn't see me as the cheap sl** in a bar. I was shook and ended up having a panic attack before they arrived. Later on, I told boyfriend about it. He said that she's just crazy sometimes and I shouldn't be too upset coz his mom is gonna love me. I was kind of reassured, but later that day he was talking to neighbour lady all friendly and hugged her as though nothing had happened. I felt upset and told him that I felt like he forgave her too easily for saying that stuff and dismissed the hurt she caused me. I also felt like he didn't have my back. Since then, we've been having issues because he'll keep trying to point out her goodness like as though I hate her (I don't), but doesn't understand that I feel betrayed by him not being upset with the person who called me a cheap sl**. How do we move on?

white knight · ‎07-01-2023

Hi, welcome

So, I assume your elderly neighbour is basing her attitude towards you in a racist manner? I'll assume that. It's totally unacceptable. There is a few issues to focus on here.

1/ As racism is not acceptable and your neighbour has not only had this attitude towards you and others, it is not unfair of you to "expect his back" when it comes to defending you and your hurt on such a serious matter. He already has accepted she is "just crazy" and he dismisses the neighbours attitude likely because his mothers attitude is so much more important. However when he hugged her you weren't present during their conversation so you dont know what they talked about. I wuld have probed into that fully... why did he hug her? If it was an apology then it should be directed to you not him.

2/ the other side is that even couples serve their relationship better with a degree of individualism, that they aren't "joined at the hip" in everything they do or say. This means to "have one's back" has limits and this should be discussed now to obtain an agreement that is permanent. Your question to him is how far can other people talk racist about you or talk ill of you before he will defend you? as an individual. In the end you should have an automatic expectation he will be your protector.

In summary you are hurt by the lack of support given by your partner on a topic of racism, a topic that all good anti racist people should stand up and protest against. Some topics are deal breakers regardless of your love for him. As he appears not to protect you, you need to sort that out now.

TonyWK

Nautanki · ‎07-01-2023

Your reply is quite insightful, thank you so much. I did probe into why he hugged her and apparently she had just wished him well on his travels with his mum. I'd be interested to know your perspective if we assumed that racism was not at play (I may have perceived this incident through the lens of a POC and so would like to know if I'm objectively in the wrong here).

white knight · ‎11-01-2023

Hi,

I couldnt judge is racism was the main theme. But what you posted in your first post your neighbours comments seem to strongly suggest her attitude is that.

I'm sad for you, but it appears your BF and you need a lot of work perhaps counselling in order to make you feel comfortable and clarify his commitment to you.

TonyWK