Feeling so low after a horrible year
I'm really struggling, I feel so low, I have no motivation and I can't stop crying.
This year started with my husband telling me he wasn't sure he loved me anymore and moving into the spare room. This actually gave me the space and strength to start being open with him about the things that were wrong with our relationship. That being that I suspect he has paranoid personality disorder with occasional delusions. He agreed he has this problem but will not address it despite the effects it has on his ability to hold down a job, have friends and the effect on me.
For a couple of years now I've been accused of lying, colluding with others who are 'out to get him' and cheating on him. I finally told him I would no longer put up with this and our marriage was over. He accepted this but because of our financial situation we are stuck in the same house for the foreseeable future so I can't move on, there is space that is just mine.
Ending the relationship felt like a betrayal, like I failed as a wife and didn't uphold my oath of 'in sickness and in health'. I know that my happiness and safety are important but I can't get past this feeling of guilt and abandonment.
This time of year is always hard for me. We tried for years to have a baby but I am infertile. Every mothers day and fathers day I struggle with not being able to celebrate these days, and (again with the guilt) I feel the loss of my parents not being able to celebrate these days as grandparents.
Recently my mum was diagnosed with and beat cancer. I feel like I'm in shock or maybe having some form of PTSD around this. I can't quite comprehend the magnitude of this. I got some idea of this when my aunty died a couple of weeks ago, also from cancer.
The pressure of trying and failing to have a child put me in a deep depression. During this time I cut ties with all my friends and in dealing with my husband's illness I just never picked my friendships up again nor made any new friends so now I'm alone most of the time. I work and have 2 volunteer roles but I never seem to be able to make friends.
I just feel alone and lonely and can't see a way forward.
I don't really know how to help, but I just wanted you to know that someone has read your post and wishes they could do something. I'm a newby here so I'm not really sure what to say or where to direct you, but I know that part of my reason for coming to this forum was so that I wouldn't feel alone - so, just letting you know that you aren't alone either.
Hello, welcome to the forum!
I'm so sorry to hear about the hardships you're facing. You have tried to stay with your husband, but his refusal to accept help and the way he has distanced himself from you has hurt you psychologically. Keeping emotionally close to your parents at this time will help. Family support is so important when going through tough times. I am very glad your mother has battled through cancer and is now well again. I'm very sorry to hear about your Aunty. As the death is very recent, you will still be dealing with grief. I feel that you would hugely benefit from talking to a counsellor or psychologist. Bottling up intense emotions and internalising issues is distressing.
First off, please make an appointment with your doctor (GP). Tell them what you've told us about your situation: try to be as open as you can. You could print out the post you wrote here to help you. Your doctor may then refer you to another professional.
If you ever need to talk to someone understanding at any time of day or night, you can call beyondblue's helpline on 1300 22 4636.
It would be great to hear back from you 🙂