Feeling lost.

[Hopeless_]

Hello,

I'm not sure where to start, but here goes. About a week ago, my three year relationship ended. It wasn't unexpected, as at the time, we were having some troubles but not to the extent I thought we were. We didn't leave it on the best of terms and it was already hard enough dealing with the end of it. A couple of days later he admitted to me that the real reason why he wanted out was because he was still in love with his Ex Partner and it tore me apart. It was hard to hear and it is really still hard to deal with. I can't wrap my head around any of it. I can't understand how this happened and how I got to this point. He refuses to talk to me and answer any questions I may have and he is treating me like this was all my fault, I feel like I'm being punished for it all. But at the same time, he tells me he still loves me and still wants a future with me but its unfair for us to be in a relationship together why he feels this way, which I understand. I'm just at a point where I feel hopeless and lost. I feel worthless and afraid. I'm furious and frustrated and I'm going through the motions as the days go by. I'm not sleeping, not eating and it's really making me feel disconnected from everything in my life, including my kids. I have generalized anxiety, so having to deal with all of this, is not really helping. I thought that maybe venting and getting things off my chest might help but as I write this, I don't feel any different. I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here but maybe someone can offer some advice as to how they've dealt with something similar.

[ecomama]

Hey HL, hope you don't mind me referring to you as HL? 

I can't refer to you as 'hopeless' because you seem to be hopeFUL and a Warrior at that. 

Dear HL, it's only been one week since he moved out. 
This isn't a long time in the road to recovering from heartbreak. 

It's really sad that he didn't realise his feelings for his ex before he moved in with you and the kids. 
But perhaps he really saw amazing things in you that he wanted to grab a hold of and keep. 
IDK. 

IDK the other things you're feeling, but I know 100% I'd feel betrayed. We're all different, so it may not be the case for you. 

You may have generalised anxiety but ALL the things you've expressed do seem par for the course in a deep felt heartbroken state. 

I think I lost 30kg in a very short time after discovering my H (now EX thank God) of over 20y had been having an affair with a much older person etc. Later I found out he had never ever ever been faithful. 
Tbh the first shock was the worst. The marriage was broken by my discovery then. The rest was "oh well throw it on the pile". 

The thing he also did, which seems to be what your ex is doing was "Blame shifting". 
Ah no. 
This stuff is NOT on you. 
It's ALL on him, but I will say, thank goodness he explained his deep feelings (finally!) to you. 
The truth came out, even if it was eventually and after 3y, most horribly for you. 

BE KIND to yourself. Treat yourself as a best friend would right now. Lots of support to yourself. Lots of understanding. 

Here for you
EMxxxx

[geoff]

Hello Hopeless, I'm not sure how you could be blamed for this when he is still in love with his ex, simply because of his attention wouldn't have been on your relationship, but thoughts about his previous g/friend, so then 100% wouldn't be dedicated in you.

It would not be advisable to stay friends with him because he may turn around and say exactly the same to his other friend and he has to realise that the problems these two had may not have been rectified, so he may want to join up with you again.

You can't be with someone who keeps changing their mind because you are unsure of what may happen next.

Can you also imagine how your kids are feeling, especially if they had a great r/lationship with him because they too would feel let down so it's affecting all of you, however please take some comfort knowing that it's happened now rather than much later on, and there could be a chance it was happening before you broke up and that's why problems started.

Relationships are lovely but if trust and openness fail, then it's sad this has to end, but fortunate that you now know.

That's easy to say but very difficult to cope with and as you think there could be many other questions you keep asking yourself, if you like, you could write these points down and discuss them with a psychologist because trying to fight them by yourself may lead to other concerns, which we don't want to happen for you or the kids.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Hopeless_,

You have already received some excellent advice from a couple of our wonderful community members. You are already starting to access your deep strength and courage through writing this post, and we are grateful that you've selected our wonderful forum as a place for support.

Unfortunately, we understand that you are trying to make sense of the behavior of a partner who may be living under a completely different set of rules, and we are so sorry if this is the case. It sounds to us as though your former partner lives in a world where he can have as many partners as he wants, whenever he feels like having them, and he can say whatever he needs to say to keep each partner compliant so everything remains pleasureable for him.

We would like to encourage you to call our wonderful mental health specialists at 1300 22 4636. The professional who answers should be able to help you locate local groups and organisations, in your area, that might be able to help you start working through this extremely painful process of grieving the loss of your former partner, and the betrayal of your trust.

Please remember, as EM said, this process may take quite a bit of time, but when you come through it, you should know that you deserve so much better in your life.

Please know that we are always here for you. We invite you to post whenever you wish.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.