Feeling Lost

[AmyFrank]

Recently my husband told me he wants us to split up. We fight a lot, but most of the time somehow I am to blame. For example, if I bring up the fact that he hasn't paid me any attention for a while and it would be nice if he just asked how my day was, this will produce a defensive reaction out of him (not my intention) and it ends up in a fight because I end up having to defend why I brought up something that is troubling me.

We have been together for almost 10 years, and the amount of times I have been there for him and stayed positive with his ups and downs, has shown nothing in terms of the way he treats me. I feel lonely around him, because I want him to care for me and show me some form affection, a smile, a hug, something... Despite all that, I keep fighting to make us better, I keep trying to help us, but I can't seem to get it through to him that it requires hard work from both sides.

When he told me he wants us to split up, it broke my heart. I let him be, I didn't react negatively. Somehow the situation has gotten worse, and to cut a long story short, he has recently told me that he hates me and for me to continue to stay out of his way. This came out of me simply trying to talk to him.

I'm finding it very difficult to cope at the moment. I guess part the reason is that other parts of life aren't going to plan either, but the biggest piece stressing me out and getting me down at the moment is this.

I suppose any bit of advice from anyone would be appreciated...

[Michelle2000]

I was made to feel the same as you, everhthing became my fault even when he did something wrong. Its so upsetting when you love someone so dang much but you know its not working.. honestly as hard as it is i truly believe we are probably both better off now. I miss him so much sometimes i get myself anxious an upset but when i really think about it, im upset over being alone , lonely, and feeling like all the years i put in trying to make things ok were a waste.. or i miss the person he was 'sometimes' that did make me laugh, but im just hoping that being on my own for a bit maybe a bit of the old happy me will come back, the me that didnt tip toe around someone out of fear of arguments..

Dont get ne wrong even typing positively is hard, im fresh out of a breakup to but i guess im still trying to convince myself things will be ok..

X

[Ellie05]

Hi AmyFrank,

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you are in. It must be heartbreaking given how long you've been with your husband.

Does he have any mental health issues that you know of? Depression can sometimes make us be unkind to our loved ones. Perhaps it would be worthwhile suggesting a shared counselling session?

I'm not sure if this will be helpful to you in this situation but I did a communications course a few years ago at work. One of the things that stood out was that if you need to bring up something about someone's behaviour that you're unhappy with then it's best to focus on the impact of the behaviour rather than the behaviour itself. For example, if someone is often late to meetings you could explain to them that this makes it hard for the other people there as they have to sit and wait when they could be doing something productive. This makes it easier for them to understand things from your point of view and they are less likely to feel it's just a personal attack. Perhaps you could use this approach when you talk to your husband? I.e. explain to him what you've told us - that his lack of affection makes you feel lonely and uncared for. Again this might not be the right advice for you given his temper and moods but I thought I'd put it out there just in case you find it useful.

Let us know how you go.