Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

[geoff]

We have many comments about being in love with someone but unable to achieve what we desire for many reasons.

Love is a beautiful word that can be expressed by just a small smile, a floating kiss or even a simple message that only has a word or two, such as I cherish you, I want you to be by my side or more adoring words, sometimes we are too afraid to show our love and causes problems that we were not expecting.

Why do we show our pets more love than we do with our partner/spouse?

All thoughts are welcome, both good and those that truly upset us.

Take care.

Geoff.

[jtjt_4862]

Heya RX,

Perhaps, you can take some time to feel and understand what it is that you're stressed about the possibility of your ex contacting you. Uncover the emotions from that stress, and see what can be done so that you can accept it and move on.

I know for certain I'm still not over my ex yet, especially since when I went for my vax shot at a vax hub located near a park that we used to walk a lot in. It was nice reminiscing the past, but I got anxious about what if I come across my ex at the vax hub. My eyes were just scanning around the people in the vax hub, almost as if my empath just went into overdrive. I think I even saw her sister and that triggered a whole bag of mixed thoughts of what ifs. It was stressful, and kinda put me in danger on the road cuz it was hard to focus driving while having all these thoughts in my head.

It's certainly hard to get over someone who we once loved, who currently cannot (or does not want) to reciprocate our love to them. We try our best to detach those feelings and emotions from the pain, but just a simple thought of "what if" can send us spiralling into our thoughts again. Even when we feel logically we're no longer thinking about them, but our emotions says otherwise. The healing journey is a long one, and there's no telling when we'll be out of it, or will we ever be. Some things will remain in us forever till our grave, and we'll just have to get used to it and keep moving forward. Also lockdown really limits us to our confined space... can't explore what other goodies are out there in this world :(.

Heya Em,

Sorry to hear about the MH Stress that's coming from your fiancee. I'm curious to know, what are your thoughts about him when he laughs at your explanation, other than "insulting"? My apologies as I do not have a background of your story, and am willing to listen and understand your point of view more.

Jt

[Guest_1584]

Hi jt .

Thanks mate. But no need l already know , and all of the above my friend , of course. l explained here l think it was, sorry if l didn't but l think it was here, what we were , and that stuff doesn't just go away.

But ahh man , of course your not over her , in just a few mths ? lf it was truly love man you may never be over her even when you've moved on as in a bit say with my situation now. But your doing well , soldier on man.

Hiya em, you've certainly got your hands full , so sorry it must all be pushing and stretching you past max and on top of everything else, many hugs .

And nah sorry, but Americans couldn't even comprehend Australian nannyism in all this. Last l spoke to my mate in Florida, in the middle of them getting 50,000 cases a day in Florida alone at the time, he's still working and living pretty well life as normal partying, clubs, his only worry was just trying to get to Arabia to see his gf. And even then getting out of the US wasn't the problem he could just jump on a plane and be off at that time. His gripe was he had to quarantine in Arabia 7days and pay for the hotel, he couldn't get his head around that one, he was trying to get his gf to pay for it. Saw a Florida report just this morning actually , only 15,000 cases a day now, only ! people everywhere , normal life.

Anyway , so sorry for your situation there , very very rough stuff. My best to you and the family for what it's worth.

rx

[WaterFront]

Hi All,

I have been reading a BB past thread about helpful and unhelpful thinking and have found it really useful. When an unwanted thought pops into my head, I ask - is it helpful to me, is it helping me feel the way I want to feel, is it helping me to stay in the present. If the answer is no, then I thank my mind for the thought and tell it to let the thought slide on by. I'm finding this is really working to help me not dwell on everything.

I am in the process of getting out of the business we shared and thank you all for the really good advice.

WaterFront

[geoff]

Hello WaterFront and everyone else with their comments because this thread was formed for those who wanted to express something a little deeper about love, which may not have been possible on other sections on this site.

With unwanted thoughts that dominate our mind, sometimes people are unable to push away these thoughts because a trigger is all it needs for them to occur and reoccur without much deliberation but they are always harmful to us.

If you can let them slide away and not irritate you, then half the battle has been won and would like to know the business you're getting out of, and please only share if that's what you want to do.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Hey jt and hi to others, hugs if wanted

Just reading back on this thread at dawn! What a beautiful sun rise, magical.

My very brief background, in the romance dept anyway lol, is that I've been married a few times. Last marriage was by far the very worst, horrendous abuse etc.
Was formally diagnosed with Complex PTSD last year but told this many years ago by a Psychologist. We kept it quiet during many years of Courts with demon.

Still recovering from those abusive r/ships, also childhood abuse and traumas.

Many things toxic or abusive ppl do is make their victims, via various means, rug sweep, smoke screen, blame shift, ignore, invalidate (etc) their own personal feelings.

It might take me 'a while' but when I realise I've shut my own feelings down (usually to please the other person), I deal with it up front with that person.

And I SHOULD.

I won't say a behaviour is ok when it's really NOT ok.

BF laughing at the sitch here was deeper than insulting. It was disgusting. Made me feel extremely uncared for in that moment and afterwards.
I told him so. He understood and apologised in a very caring and genuine way.

It's taken a long time for us to "get" to this point in our r/ship. We had major mental injuries to overcome from our past marriages.

IMPE healing BEGINS when we feel heard, validated and moreso if we feel we're being understood.

We're hard wired for connection. We need authentic connections with other ppl to heal, grow, move from survival mode to thrival mode lol.

I find the most powerful magical sentence to use in times of difficulty in r/ships when you've got your head around it, is to say "when you did x, y, z, the story I was telling myself was ..... (eg: you didn't care about me etc)". It's worked 100% of the time so far.

When we've been really hurt by a past r/ship ending, we know the depths of our vulnerability and boy it's SCARY.
To invest any parts of ourselves again seems like madness lol.
I felt DONE at the end of my last m. Over done lol!

But with BF I kept my distance lol, observed, had fun, kind of invested a bit here and there but the major investments came from him. We were friends, became best friends and much later we met.

It was so easy to love him when we met. He drives me nuts some times but he's an extremely patient, caring, loving soul and proves his love for me every day.

Hope that fills in a few blanks JT.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

WaterFront said:

Hi All,

I have been reading a BB past thread about helpful and unhelpful thinking and have found it really useful. When an unwanted thought pops into my head, I ask - is it helpful to me, is it helping me feel the way I want to feel, is it helping me to stay in the present. If the answer is no, then I thank my mind for the thought and tell it to let the thought slide on by. I'm finding this is really working to help me not dwell on everything.

I am in the process of getting out of the business we shared and thank you all for the really good advice.

WaterFront

Dear waterfront

It's probably best for your healing and moving on from this past GF that you get out of the business.

You already knew this.

In another way it can feel like the last nail in the coffin of any chances of retrieving your r/ship with her.
I think you're knowing enough to see this already.

You did the right thing, holding on as long as you could.
We do need to do this for x long, until we see without any doubts, the writing on the wall.

I truly feel that when we do this ie hold on for XXXXX long, then cut loose, we CAN more readily spring board outta there because we did so much grieving for that r/ship when there was still SOME of the r/ship left.

So here's CHEERS to you dear friend.
Onwards and UPwards as I say.

I hope the path you tread is smooth and the weather as fine as today (here).

"She" is waiting for you. She's out there some where, wishing and hoping to meet YOU too!
Keep the belief going and keep your standards high, matching you.

You need the very best type of lady and she needs you.

Hugs
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

randomx said:

..

Hiya em, you've certainly got your hands full , so sorry it must all be pushing and stretching you past max and on top of everything else, many hugs .

And nah sorry, but Americans couldn't even comprehend Australian nannyism in all this. Last l spoke to my mate in Florida, in the middle of them getting 50,000 cases a day in Florida alone at the time, he's still working and living pretty well life as normal partying, clubs, his only worry was just trying to get to Arabia to see his gf. And even then getting out of the US wasn't the problem he could just jump on a plane and be off at that time. His gripe was he had to quarantine in Arabia 7days and pay for the hotel, he couldn't get his head around that one, he was trying to get his gf to pay for it. Saw a Florida report just this morning actually , only 15,000 cases a day now, only ! people everywhere , normal life.

Anyway , so sorry for your situation there , very very rough stuff. My best to you and the family for what it's worth.
rx

Hey rx

It's worth a lot having your well wishes, thank you!

Hellish triggers from work this week, passed out instead of having the 'usual C-PTSD triggers' thank God.
My reactions are morphing which I'm grateful for.
Sleep is healing.

I'm hearing you about the LD sitch here.
My friend in Florida lost 2 family members to Covid (incl a cousin in his 20s).
He sold up, moved out country chock full of white ppl, so he stands out big time lol. He's a beautiful 6 foot 6, black American man. This move scared him at times but his neighbours are proving themselves lovely to him thank God.
He's been thru too much there for anything more to happen.

BF is freely flying all over the States for his work.
A Birthday Party this weekend! Ppl still have parties lol.

BF more than redeemed himself this week. Showed up during my worst of times as the valiant, brave, loving man he is. He comes from a family full of steely Engineers lol where emotions weren't attended to, not for the boys in the family. His mother was Italian descent. The girls were allowed to be wildly emotional. That gets me a long way lol!
But he's also been able to talk about his emotions for the first time in his life, which is a powerful bonding experience for us both.

He's very brave.

Love & hugs to you too
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Geoff, JT, rx and waterfront and all others reading

Just wanted to share a general strategy of what's worked for me in dealing with 'intrusive thoughts'.

Over time, using these strategies, I've been able to quieten and effectively "file" these memories where they don't become intrusive any more.

It takes a little while at first but saves my own mind space, over time.

They're strategies I made up from a mix of several Social Workers / Psychs; Brene Brown, Esther Eger & others + my own Trauma Psychs work with me last year incl Exposure Therapy she taught me to do on my own.
My own Counsellor now teaches these to her other clients with great success lol.

SIT with these memories.
Validate your own feelings of hurt, betrayal - whatever comes up.
Cry, scream when appropriate ie not scaring anyone else.
Having a Counsellor or Psych may help.
Talking with someone who has your back REALLY helps.

It may not help in the moment of a trigger or intrusive thought to talk, but a couple of days after can.

I personify each emotion as a big friendly monster like from Where the Wild Things Are story book for children.
So eg when Anxiety wakes up and is in my head, face, jumping up and down, I ATTEND to him. Ask what the problem is - there's always something!
I LISTEN to the anxiety monster telling me whatevs.

Then say THANK YOU.
Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I heard all you had to say, but guess what little monster?

I'm going to do it anyway.

Any internal emotion, even those of betrayal, anger, fury even lol - yeah I had FURY this week and rightly so too, can be attended to, acquiesced, and the memory can be filed.

I HUG that monster (which is similar to self - soothing) until it's asleep.
This is also a very integrating thought pattern. (Preventing splintering / dissociation to a point).

So instead of denying what happened in our past, where I've found those intrusive thoughts WILL come back to haunt me, I VALIDATE them, thank them and quieten them until they are merely a memory.
Not a bossy one, one that is now filed if I want to call upon it at a later time.

I have lots of kids, so choosing specific experiences in my own life, to validate THEIR emotions and experiences is a very powerful growth mindset move - btw they're all doing SO WELL I can barely understand it! I'm so grateful to see this.

Love and hugs to you all
EMxxxx

[geoff]

Hello EM, thanks very much for providing your feedback as I'm certainly unable to match what you've written.

There are various points I'd like to expand on that you've mentioned as they are very important and you've made some very good points.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[WaterFront]

Hi Geoff,

It's an online business and also conventions which we would do together. With covid, there has only been one convention since and she did it with her new person. That was difficult for me but I got passed it by pretty much ignoring it as much as I could. I thought it was very insensitive tbh. She and I both have other jobs also, so it was only a small, sideline business. I have totally disconnected from it and don't even look at sales, stock etc. anymore. The goal is to close the business.

I have come a long way in the last 15 months and it has been difficult. I know that and am grateful for the support I have received here.

WaterFront