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Feeling alone in the relationship.

CalculatedRisk
Community Member

Hello all, first post, long time lurker.  Brief introduction - 8 years ago diagnosed with anxiety (and depression as a symptom of the anxiety).  Went through therapy, all good now.  Still on mild medication and regular visits with my GP, but for all intents and purposes my life is good - good job, steady income, education coming along.  Personally I feel great.  Issue I am feeling is with my wife.  We have two lovely children, both work etc.  However just over 3 years ago I found she was having an emotional affair with an old friend (inter state).  Inappropriate pictures/texts being sent back and forth.  Long story short I force the couples counselling.  So she stopped going about 8 months ago, and went haphazardly prior to then, I was committed to every session and for many many sessions I was going alone to couples counselling (definition of irony).  

Now for a bit longer than 3 years we've had little way of interpersonal connection (intimacy, just plain talk, time together etc).  It has been a topic of contention that she can spent all evening chatting on facebook, but have no time to converse with me.  Success rate for intimacy is about 5% all initiated by me, and having had/have social anxiety the constant knock-back is really starting to feel personal, especially given her emotional affair.  Too much work, too tired, can't be bothered are common excuses given for any time together (including family time), but if a friend wants a visit....woooosh off she goes leaving me and the children.

I'm committed in this relationship, but it feels I have a flat mate whom we share custody of the children and the bills.  She is a person who I feel doesn't know the value of something until it is gone.  Now I'm not looking for answers, I am here seeking comments from people who have experienced similar.  How long does one usually work at a relationship problem before deciding enough is enough?  If/when it is time to move on, do you really have to think about it, or does one just know when it is the right time and they just make it happen?  I know it may seem harsh, but years of oodles of arguments, emails, reading, counselling.......there is only so much I see I can do to try and resolve things.  Unfortunately it doesn't just impact me, it will impact the children for the rest of their life what decision I make.  Relationships are a two way street requiring two people to commit, unfortunately I feel very alone with this.

Thanks for reading.

CalculatedRisk

24 Replies 24

Well pipsy, you haven't upset me. I'm probably not making a lot of sense. For a number of years she has been distant, at random times snapping at me and the kids. This in conjunction with her 'fling' and the constant running off to appease others is the concern. I for one do not want to be in a relationship where we're basically strangers who share the bills and the children. She claims to be happy and doesn't want more in the relationship. I know that it's an act. She isn't happy in her life in general - ie struggles to follow through with her own objectives (never try thus never fail), scared to do things she would once do without question, avoids group and family gatherings, dreads going to work etc. As of the weekend she has self-diagnosed herself with depression.

I don't use FB, but she will email me the next day after she has calmed down (we're both working so bit hard to talk during the day). I think she feels she can say what she wants to say without fear of me asking a question, or fear of being judged. I'm not too sure, but as I said earlier, take away all the noise and mixed excuses and she isn't happy. I know she had a hard time after the birth of our last several years ago, and I don't think she really recovered, or ignored the problem hoping it will go away.

AB, I have taken heed of your hints and bought the second book to read through and execute. And yes, at times she has gone psycho, still a couple of holes in the walls needing to be patched.

Hey CR

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I think the problem is, and my talk with Athol confirmed this - that you cannot reason with a person who is willing to trump an argument with violence. No matter what you do, if they are prepared to resort to violence then that's it. They are prepared to play real dirty to get what they want. You haven't gone into much detail about her behavior but it sounds like she has some borderline attributes. She sucked you in and now you get nothing. And when you bring it to her attention that you're not happy with the arrangement she is prepared to do what it takes to put you back in your box.

I know you have children and I know it is hard. Do you think she was mentally sound prior to kids? All I'm saying is that this might be the case and she is in need of professional help, which is of course easier said than done. Essentially as they say "the stay plan is the same as the go plan" - work on yourself and do it for yourself. Get some advice from the MMSL forum. You deserve to be happy

Hi C.R. I'm sorry your wife suffered pnd after the birth of your last child. If she also has BPD, that, coupled with the pnd, makes for a pretty explosive emotional state. The fact that perhaps she refuses to accept help for these conditions means it's an uphill battle for everyone associated with her. Until she is ready to admit she has problems and is willing to receive help there is not a lot you can do. Having to admit she has problems, may make her feel weak. When people display certain characteristics, such as always being on the defensive, often it's a cover-up to hide how vulnerable they're really feeling. These people often despise themselves for feeling less than capable, so they lash out or use other means i.e fb rather than face themselves. You said she self diagnosed at the weekend. Rather than even going to a Dr for help, it's easier - again, to make the excuse of general depression than asking for the help she needs. General depression (in her eyes) would cover everything she's feeling, displaying. The biggest judgement doesn't actually come from you, it comes from herself and her fear of not coping with everything that's happening. Lashing out on fb also means she doesn't have to face you, she feels safer. Facing you also means facing herself. Until she faces herself, she can't face anybody. AB is right when he says she needs professional help, unfortunately, till she asks or you can get her assessed, you have an uphill battle. Perhaps you could have a talk with your Dr, explain the situation with him, see if he can help.

Lynda.

Thanks for the response and words of advice and concern. Pipsy, you're right, self diagnosis is a real cop-out compared to facing facts. Seeing a DR for help does not mean one is weak, does not mean one is ill/sick. Just means someone needs a little help. We all ask for help all the time, all that differs is who we ask.

I have gone through some old communication from over the course of the last few years. What I have recognised is nothing has changed. An email from three years ago she said she was depressed and looking for strategies. Flash forward to now and the comment is the same. Three years to some may not seem like a long period of time, but it is when nothing is being done pro actively. Heck we've had four different Prime Ministers in that time!!!

Anyway I appreciate the feedback. I am concentrating on myself and the kids. In the process now of gathering all my documentation, sought records from our counselling sessions (I understand the privacy side, but at least I can get the notes on me). Basically dotting the i's and crossing the t's. Now doubt the low feelings will crop up sometime in the future, but right now I feel a little spark in myself having taken a big step.

Thanks again.

Hi C.R. I'm glad you're able to start concentrating on yourself and your kids. perhaps your wife may admit to needing help, perhaps not. With some people, as I said, depression can be seen as weak, rather than admitting it's a sickness. Narcissist's never admit to needing help of any sort. Not saying for one minute your wife has that disorder, but she is displaying similar behaviour in not wishing to admit to needing help. If she has been raised believing there is no such thing as not being able to help yourself, no matter what, asking for help would be alien to her. I am pleased you're starting to feel better in yourself. Accepting your wife is always going to behave this way, is hard, I know. Perhaps you could start exploring options for your own future. Whether with her or not. I can't make those decisions, whatever you decide, BB is here to listen, advise, guide.

Lynda.