Feel Stuck In Relationship

[Taurus93]

Hey all, I'm a 25 year old woman who has been suffering from depression on and off for 10 years.

Last year I gave birth to my son, he is now 16 months and we live in a granny flat on my partner's parents property. I fell pregnant pretty quickly once me and my partner started dating. We both met online and played online games together. He didn't work and neither did I. I lived with my mum and he lived with his parents. Long story short we were both shut-ins basically.

I wanted that to change once baby was born. But nothing has really changed, other than the fact that I moved 2 hours away from my family to live with him and our son.
I thought he would at least get a job and stop playing video games so much. But he hasn't, he has also developed depression and started taking anti-depressants. He sometimes has mood swings where he will get really angry.

I've done everything around the house, beside taking out the trash on my own the past 11 months. It was a struggle to get him to help me with the baby at first. He wouldn't offer to help. I had to ask him, and if he was playing a game I'd have to wait till he was done or found a save point... We had a lot of arguments over this. I just started asking, nagging him to help me. He does help now when I ask but I wish he'd just do it without me having to ask sometimes.

We have argued about the house chores recently, since he doesn't work he should help too instead of playing games all day. He's not even looking for work. He's on centerlink payments and expects his job provider to find a job for him.

I've told him I'm unhappy, recently I told him I'm falling out of love with him. That cut him deep I think, he said he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I told him I have been thinking about leaving, about going back to live with my mum. He hugged me tight and started crying, saying please don't leave. I cried too, cause I don't like hurting him. I do love him as our child's father and I used to be in love with him.

I feel dumb for saying I'll stay. As he's still just playing games all day and helps at times.

I don't know if I should stay in this relationship or move on. I don't want to be with someone who just plays games all day everyday. I wanted us to be a family, not me being his maid and his mother...

A psychologist I spoke to last week told me I had two options, leave or learn to live with it. I think he's right.

What do you guys think?

(posted in Depression thread first. Sorry for double posting.)

[geoff]

Hi Taurus, I don't think your circumstances are the best for you or 16 month old child and one on the way, but I don't necessarily want you and your partner to split up, but he has to at least be interested in looking for work, because the government benefits aren't going to provide you with any real satisfaction for you or the children.

Rent, food, utilities, car etc have to be paid and everuyth

[geoff]

Hi Taurus, sorry the first reply went through before I could finish it and correct the spelling for 'everything'.

The trouble is you can tell him that you are leaving, then he may cry and beg you not to go and say he'll promise to change, so you decide to stay, but nothing happens so you're back to square one, that's not proving anything.

His job provider may find him a job, but different positions come in every day, sweeping the hardware store may lead to a full time job, working at the take away stores, become an apprentice, do a Tafe course, pick fruit there is an enormous amount of jobs he could apply for.

Can I ask if you are also taking any antidepressants (AD) and like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Taurus93]

Hi, Geoff. Thanks for responding.

Yes I am taking AD. I'm on medication and recently upped my dosage because I was feeling very depressed. My GP also referred me to a psychologist.

Also sorry I worded it wrong but I'm not pregnant. I only have the 16 month old and my partner is his father. We have been together over 2 years now.

I agree that government benefits aren't enough to live a satisfying life. That's why I want him to get a job. He's 21 and doesn't have much work experience. He's very lazy.

He doesn't drive. I got my P's this year so I'm the one that drives. He has no intention of ever driving.

I want to study childcare and get a job doing that once my son is older. I want to keep him home with me till he can talk cause I'd feel better leaving him at a day care then. He's too young now I think.

My partner doesn't think about the future. He just thinks about his games and what one he's gonna buy next.

I also agree on your point about him not changing. That's why I feel like an idiot. Lile he manipulated me into staying by crying and begging. I don't know how to deal with him when he's like that...

[Hang10]

Hello Taurus93,

Congratulations on beening a mum. You doing a great job and awesome to see that you got great goals for what you like to do in the future in terms on study childcare, this will help you reach for your dream.

Glad to hear that you got help more for your depression. And that you got your P plates that would have been a great day for you.

Your partner sounds like he not ready or not keen to face life. Video games can very much hid us away for the world locked in the room while the world turns without us knowing.

I hope that he step up for you or show more signs of loving care and help in your life. You sound like you know more of what you like to be and the baby has been such a blessing for you. It up to him to try and be the father the baby needs and to be the loving partner who tries to work for his family. You deserve all the care and love that you need for you and the baby.

All my best wishes take care.

Hang10.

[OLilium]

I am in a similar situation with my partner of three years so I understand the stress and anxiety it causes, especially when they seem to think there is nothing wrong with the relationship. I first spoke to my partner a year ago about my feelings and again several times this year but he has made no effort to change despite saying he would. It is especially stressful as we still have another six months left of our lease and since I am not currently working it will be hard to afford a place by myself. I have come to the realisation though that the best thing for my mental health will be to leave him. I wish I could do it sooner rather than later but can't because of the lease.

Although our partners might be good guys in other respects I believe that both you and I deserve better. A partner should care enough to consider how we feel and should have the motivation to make the best of a relationship. Especially in your situation with a child, I would want their father to be a good role model. I know what it's like growing up with parents who don't love each other and it just leaves a bad impression of how relationships should be. I think it has taken me too long to realise that my partner is holding me back from living the life I want and I don't want to be in a resentful and loveless relationship like my parents. I just hope I can end my relationship amicably as we have a dog. I hope you can do the same if that's the path you choose. Don't just be with him for the sake of it. Do what's best for you and your child even if it may seem selfish.

[Taurus93]

Thanks for your responses and kind words Hang10 and OLilium.

OLilium, I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I hope you are able to end the relationship on good terms when you're ready to do so. I know it isn't easy....

Hang10, I agree that my partner isn't ready to face the real world. I don't want to be held back by him anymore. It is especially upsetting since we have a child together and feels like he's not making an effort at all to help create a life for our family.
I think I'd be better off as a single mother in all honesty. Cause then I'd only have myself and my son to worry about. I feel like my partner wants me to manage and deal with everything on my own while he's just there for the ride stuck in his own little world. That's not what I want at all.

He said he'd try to help me more around the house with chores...but now he's refusing to do the dishes because he doesn't like doing them and it makes him sweaty... well it's the same for me! He's just an entitled brat... I don't think I can handle it anymore.

But I don't know how to break it off either.
Does anyone have any advice?

[Guest_7403]

Pack your stuff and leave to live with your mum like you said you would.

He won't change or respect you until your gone

[Taurus93]

Thank you, Theborderline. You're right. I already know what to do. I'm just afraid to do it.